


Personal Traynor

by Sphere_DMarcandom



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Armageddon, Awkward Flirting, Banter, Bromance, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Character Death, Colonist (Mass Effect), Death, Dog Tags, Drunken Shenanigans, Estrangement, F/F, Falling In Love, Female Character In Command, Flirting, Geek Love, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Jokes, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Character of Color, Lesbian Sex, Lesbians in Space, Love, Marriage Proposal, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Mindoir, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Nerdiness, Normandy-SR2, Past Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Past Relationship(s), Past Shepard/Liara T'Soni, Personal Growth, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Reapers, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Robot/Human Relationships, Romance, Same-Sex Marriage, Science Fiction, Sex, Shooting, Shower Sex, Teasing, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-03-09 18:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 60,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18922429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sphere_DMarcandom/pseuds/Sphere_DMarcandom
Summary: Flirty, friendly and eager to please, Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor is slowly getting to know her co-workers, while entertaining herself as she works and trying to find her feet aboard the Normandy. Little does she know that she will find something more in none other than Commander Shepard herself. FEMSLASH (Eventual Shep romance)





	1. Chapter 1

_Retrofits...Retrofits..._ That seemed to be the only word in Samantha Traynor's vocabulary these days. Quite ironic too, seeing as the first word on everyone else's mind would most likely have been Reapers. Alas, holding the position of Comm Specialist rather than Soldier in this war, she didn't really see the point of preoccupying her mind with the actions of million year old machines when there were much more pressing concerns right here on the Normandy, closer at hand than the monstrosities currently ravaging the universe. It wouldn't help anyone if she burst into tears right here in the middle of the CIC, would it? Besides, it wasn't like Samantha would be shooting at the Reapers herself anytime soon.

_I think I'll just leave that to Commander Shepard. That woman loves a challenge. What a shame she's only into men..._

On the other hand, at least working on the Normandy was far more interesting than working in the lab. Despite the fact that there was less room to breathe on frontline duty, Specialist Traynor found that she rather enjoyed it on this first gen frigate. The Normandy was impressive! It was way more exciting than she ever could have imagined, and a great experience working up close and personal with both aliens and synthetics. If it hadn't of been for the whole 'end of the world Reaper invasion' thing, Samantha would have felt right at home. Well, if she could somehow get a decent bloody toothbrush from somewhere. But there were more imperative things to concern herself with at the minute.

_Like, for example, that sexy voice of the ship's VI._

Her lips curled into a wicked grin. Feeling rather mischievous all of a sudden, Samantha finished the work she was doing at her station, and pressed a nearby button to bring up EDI's holographic interface beside the Galaxy Map. A faint blue glow lit up the semi-darkness of the CIC, as the VI came to life.

"Specialist Traynor, how may I be of service?" came EDI's smooth, sensual voice.

_Oh Lord, I can feel myself getting all hot and bothered already._

"Hello, EDI," she greeted her, trying to control the growing smirk on her face. "I was...j-just wondering how the ships new repairs are coming along. We took quite a few hits leaving Earth's atmosphere. How are your retrofits-I mean, the ship's retrofits holding up?"

_That's right Samantha, play it cool. You're available, she's...well, a VI._

"The Normandy's retrofits are working as expected, Specialist Traynor. As a result of the numerous, high risk manoeuvres Flight-Lieutenant Mauraux had to take in order to avoid collision, the Normandy managed to avoid serious damage. The Mass Effect core is working at optimal speed in this moment."

_My Mass Effect core is working at optimal speed in this moment._

"That's great news, EDI," Samantha said, revelling in the VI's ambience, feeling that special tingle she got every time she heard the smooth, sensual cadences of EDI’s voice. Despite the lack of emotion, it was without doubt the sexiest she had heard in her life, and that included that of the Spanish _'señorita'_ she used to date back in college. _Hmm, let's not think about her right now._ "Thank you for the update," she finished. "And, may I say again just how...mm...attractive your voice is."

"Last transmission incomprehensible. Please adjust your request," came the dulcet VI’s tone. "If you would like assistance, my drop down menu is available on command."

"Oh EDI...How about you _drop down_ on my menu instead?" Traynor joked, giggling to herself.

"Last transmission incomprehensible. Please adjust your request. If you'd like, I can assist you with your choice."

"That sounds like fun. What did you have in mind?"

"I recommend pressing one of the buttons along my interface."

"EDI! You say such things," Samantha sniggered, fanning her face in mock flattery. "I'd definitely like to press your buttons...But only if you press mine in return." She reached over and did as EDI suggested, making a blind choice simply so as she could hear the VI's voice once more. The blue interface did a little flicker of approval.

"Access granted. I am at your disposal. Are there any further commands from this position, Specialist Traynor?"

Samantha giggled. "Oh, many come to mind, EDI. Many, _many_ commands...and positions."

"Please voice your preferences."

A cheeky twinkle appeared in Traynor's eye. She glanced around the CIC, checking to see if there was still no one around, then began to get a little naughty. "Well, I'd like to start by pressing your voice up against this Galaxy Map, and runing my tongue along your collarbone..."

A moment of silence passed. Then: "Please repeat transmission."

Samantha fell into a fit of silent giggles, feeling herself become aroused now. It had been a while since she'd had sex. Touring on the Normandy left little time for it. "Oh, you like that do you? You want some more?” She felt herself quiver. “I'd like to tug gently on your hair, while slowly beginning to nibble my way down your-"

"Traynor!"

Samantha jumped in surprise. Commander Shepard's voice sounded over her Omni-tool which was linked up to the ships comm system.

"Y-Yes Commander?" she stammered nervously, feeling herself fluster. She quickly flicked off EDI's interface and pulled herself together, straightening out her uniform and trying to act professional once more.

"Who were you talking to?" Shepard voice asked interestedly. She could hear a faint hint of a smile on the Commander's tone.

"Oh, uhm...N-no one, Commander," Samantha stuttered, feeling her face getting warm. _Did she hear me? Oh crap!_

A moment of silence passed between them that felt like a lifetime for Samantha. Then Shepard finally spoke, her voice sounding very close to laughter now.

"Your Omni-tool called me at the time we scheduled earlier. Though… I think you got the wrong idea when I gave you my frequency," Shepard teased. "I'm flattered, Traynor.”

Samantha's jaw dropped. _Oh crap! I forgot I had pre-programmed it to speak with her!_ She placed her head in her hand, and closed her eyes, silently berating herself for her stupidity.

"God! I am _so_ sorry, Commander. I-I didn't mean for you to hear that, I promise."

Shepard's laughter sounded over the Omni-tool in response, further increasing Samantha's embarrassment. She wished the ground would open up and swallow her.

"Don't worry, Specialist. I'm sure EDI appreciated it... Isn't that right, EDI?"

"I found Comm Specialist Traynor's words to be very pleasing, Shepard," EDI replied, making Samantha jump in shock. EDI's voice suddenly sounded more...lifelike! _How can that be!?_

"What the—Since when does a VI have feelings?" Samantha asked, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"EDI's an AI," Shepard informed her. "Fully self-aware."

For the second time in only a minute, Traynor's jaw dropped again. "Oh, I knew it! I _knew_ Joker was lying!"

Shepard's laughter echoed over the Omni-tool once more. "Welcome to the Normandy, Traynor. Never trust a word out of Joker's mouth."

"I'm going to murder him."

"My intention was not to deceive you, Samantha," EDI said smoothly. "Joker simply suggested pretending I was a simple VI in order to protect myself."

"Oh...That's alright, EDI," Traynor replied, cringing. "And, may I apologise for all those times I said just how attractive your voice sounded?"

An awkward pause between all three parties followed.

"Okay, back to reality, before this gets too weird even for me," Shepard said, saving EDI the need to reply. "I wanted you to call me for a reason, Traynor."

"Yes, Commander," Traynor replied, pulling herself together then and getting her business head on. "Sorry. What do you need?"

"An old friend of mine is coming aboard to discuss something when we reach the Citadel. She goes by the name Miranda Lawson."

"Would you like me to clear out a bunk for her?" Samantha asked, eager to end this conversation quickly so she could start to berate herself over and over for all eternity. Thank God Shepard hadn't been talking to her face to face. She was simply too mortified to look the woman in the eye now.

"No, Specialist, that won't be necessary," Shepard replied. "Miranda won't be staying. I'd just like you to be extra vigilant to what's going on over the Comm links, and notify me if anything seems amiss in reference to Cerberus. There's a good chance that she's being followed by them."

"Yes, Commander. Anything else?"

"I...Yes, actually. Liara is… _making_ me take a nap, so I may be asleep when we arrive at the Citadel. Please notify me when we have docked, and tell Miranda to come on up to my cabin."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am. Sweet dreams."

"I..." The Commander breathed a little uncomfortable laugh. "Thank you, Traynor. Shepard, out."

Samantha pressed the button on her Omni-tool to end transmission and continued with her work, setting up extra hack links into communications specifically involving Cerberus and their activity. As she worked through her embarrassment, her mind began to wander, focusing on what the Commander had mentioned just before she signed off.

_Liara's making her take a nap?_

Suddenly the deprived part of Samantha's mind (that EDI had recently felt the brunt of) went into overdrive. _Is the legendary Commander Shepard sleeping with the Asari?_ Traynor smiled to herself. Was it possible she hadn’t been the only one to feel embarrassed on that call? She knew Shepard and the blue woman were close. _But more than friends? That seems unlikely._ Perhaps the emotion she had heard on the Commander's voice was one of annoyance at being told to go and take a rest. Still, finding the idea of Shepard in bed with an Asari as a nice distraction from her work, since flirting with EDI was now no longer an option. Samantha decided to let her thoughts run wild for the next few hours before they reached the Citadel.

#

"Ms Lawson, I presume?"

"Keep your bloody voice down!" the extremely attractive woman scolded, glancing around her nervously, making sure no one in the Docking Bay overheard them. Her Australian accent was cold and harsh, much like the woman herself seemed to be. "Jesus Christ, is Shepard sending me rookies now?”

_What!_

"Actually, Ma'am, I'm Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor,” Samantha replied, in a tone that reflected her status. “The Commander instructed me to meet you here in Docking Bay D23, and to welcome you aboard the Normandy."

"Great, so you're the new Kelly Chambers," Miranda stated bluntly, crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently. "Though at least Chambers had tact. You could get me killed, you know that?"

 

"Beg your pardon, Ma'am?" Traynor replied, her brows narrowing. Judging by the way Lawson mentioned this Chambers woman, her position aboard the Normandy under Cerberus mustn't have been very respectable.

"Nothing," Miranda replied, sighing. "Look I haven't got all day, Specialist...Trainer was it? My father is out there somewhere, and I have to find my sister. I need to speak skip these pleasantries and talk to Commander Shepard immediately."

_Pleasantries? Christ, if this is her idea of pleasant..._

"Yes, Ma'am," Traynor replied firmly, "Right away. She’s is waiting for you in her cabin. Follow me."

Samantha turned on her heel and led the way back to the Normandy with Miranda following after her. _Well, that went well,_ Traynor couldn't help but think to herself. _Now I realise why the Commander didn't want to greet her personally._ Fuming at the woman's attitude and condescension towards her, Samantha punched the airlock with her Omni-tool. She and Miranda stood side by side, awkwardly waiting for decontamination to take place before they could enter the ship.

"How long have you worked for the Alliance? Three weeks?" Miranda mocked, as both women stared at the door, anticipating its opening.

Traynor bit her lip. _Professionalism Samantha, you can do this._

"Actually from I left Oxford University, Ma'am, where I was on full scholarship from the Alliance after they saw my aptitude scores," she replied matter-of-factly. "Quite some time ago now, although I’m sure you have a few more years of experience.”

"Impressive," Miranda replied sceptically, ignoring the jibe about her age. "Didn't they ever teach you about discretion in the military?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Thankfully I also learned some manners there as well, something which you should be cherishing this moment in time."

The door to the ship slid open before Miranda could reply in kind. She followed Specialist Traynor inside the Normandy, travelling past the cockpit and down into the CIC, getting numerous appraising looks from a few servicemen nearby. Samantha scoffed inwardly.

_The looks her father gifted her are surely good at attracting attention. Still though, I prefer my breasts natural rather than genetically modified, thank you!_

"I see you've done some redecorating," Lawson said, glancing at her surroundings with distaste, noticing the military regs now imposed on what was once an extremely beautiful ship. Flying Alliance colours again seemed to make it lose some of the flashiness that Cerberus had imposed when building her.

"You didn't expect us to still be flying the Cerberus flag, did you?" Samantha replied.

"No...No, I didn't," Miranda replied, a little solemnly.

"We go through here to get to Vid Comm," Traynor informed her, holding out her arm and gesturing to the manned checkpoint between the CIC and the War Room. Miranda instantly turned away from the elevator behind Samantha's post and approached the checkpoint.

"Name, please," one of the two servicewomen said, rather bored. Guarding a door 24/7 couldn't exactly be fun.

"Lawson," Miranda replied, "I'm a friend of Commander Shepard's."

"I have no Lawson here," the woman said, checking her list of visitors.

"The Commander is expecting me," Miranda replied, growing more and more impatient by the second. Time was wasting. "My name should be there."

"Well, it isn't," the woman replied bluntly, "And the Commander's in her quarters this moment in time. You'll have to rearrange for—"

"Oh! Wait! That's my fault, Sarah. I was supposed to notify you earlier that Ms Lawson would be passing through but I got caught up optimizing the drive core with EDI," Traynor said, remembering how flustered she had been. _Hadn't the Commander mentioned something about Miranda being permitted to use the ship's resources during her visit?_ "Sorry..."

"Oh, brilliant. I'll be sure to tell Shepard she's got a Yeoman almost as good as the last one," Miranda said spitefully, standing with folded arms and tapping her foot impatiently.

"Comm Specialist, _actually_ ," Samantha replied, finding she was liking this Lawson woman less and less the more time she spent with her. _What the hell is her problem?_

"Whatever," Miranda replied, "I could have found my father and killed him already with the length of time we've spent by this scanner. Can I go through now?"

"Please, step up to the scanner, Ma'am," Private Sarah said, rolling her eyes. "Specialist Traynor will give you a tour of the Normandy's retrofits, as per Commander Shepard’s instructions. You’ll then be free to visit her quarters."

Samantha watched Miranda's hour-glass figure sway as she walk up to the blue rays and stood in them to be scanned for security reasons. It was then she realised what a nice ass Miss Lawson seemed to have. _Hmm... wow!_ she thought to herself, unashamedly staring at it, her head tilted to one side to appreciate it more.

_Very nice! I bet she's as straight as a poker though. Oh, and not to mention a complete bitch. Call me crazy, but I like my asses with a bit more personality behind them. We're not that deprived, Samantha._

Miranda was finally able to walk through the scanner then. Without waiting further for Traynor she walked on through the ship.

"Hey! Wait!" Samantha called after her, "Oh balls, does she even know where she's going?"

Eagerly counting down the seconds, Traynor finally escaped from the security scanner and sprinted around the corner she had watched Miranda's ass disappear. She turned just in time to see a flash of the woman's skin tight suit lose itself in a crowd of busy servicemen and women. Cursing under her breath and rounding the holographic interface showing the crucible plans, Traynor exited through Sarah's checkpoint again and returned to the CIC, worried at how easy Miranda had shook her off and hoping the Commander had chosen her friends wisely. You could never fully trust Cerberus ops.

_Though considering she was one, Shepard would know that better than I would._

Suddenly, just as she was about to give up hope of finding Miranda, Samantha heard the elevator doors begin to close behind her and caught a glimpse of white clothing. As quick as she could, she rushed towards them and slid her arm in, taking advantage of the motion sensors on either side.

"Oh great, I've still got a tail," Miranda said dryly, rolling her eyes as she watched Samantha slip in to the elevator beside her. "Don't you have some emails to be forwarding or something? I'm perfectly capable of finding Shepard on my own."

"I'm sure," Traynor replied coldly, stepping inside the elevator nonetheless and allowing the doors to close behind her, "But orders are orders. No visitor is allowed to walk around this ship unattended, especially not ones with Cerberus tendencies...Oops, did that just slip out?"

"Oh-ho, you've been doing your homework," Miranda mocked, as the elevator began to ascend. "But just because you can hack your way through a bunch of encrypted files, don't make the mistake of thinking you can roll with the big dogs. The speed I lost you there was shocking."

"Yet here I am, right beside you. What does that say about your evasion skills? You have no idea what I'm capable of, Ma'am," Samantha replied, hating this woman more and more, despite the fact that on looks alone she probably would have bedded her in a heartbeat.

"I'll bet," Miranda replied, running a hand through her long dark hair. "Just stay out of my way, _Yeoman_ , and out of my business. Shepard's the only one I trust implicitly here."

"Comm Specialist," Traynor reminded her again, her jaw clenched in anger. "Would you like me to write it down for you? For all your genetic tailoring you seem to have a memory problem."

Miranda didn't reply but merely smirked as she faced the elevator door. After a few seconds the elevator pinged. The double doors slid apart, and two women's raised voices could be heard.

"...sleep when I'm dead, Liara."

"Not funny, Shepard! You are exhausted. If we lose you we will have no one capable of leading this war."

" I can't sleep, alright? I tried but it's impossible."

"I know, Shepard, but you have to try harder, you can't—"

"Oh! Pardon me, Commander, I... thought you were alone," Traynor said, saluting Shepard, breaking up the ongoing argument between her and Liara. "I have Miranda Lawson with me, like you requested."

"Hello, Shepard," Miranda said, stepping out of the elevator, a small smile on her face. "Doctor T’Soni." She tilted her head in the Asari's direction, receiving a nod in return.

"I'll leave you to it," Liara said, walking to the lift. "Think about what I said, Shepard."

Commander Shepard rolled her eyes behind the Asari's back. She smiled at Miranda and turned to Traynor. "Thank you, Specialist. I hope she wasn't too much trouble," Shepard joked, giving Miranda a wink, evidently knowing how she could be when first meeting people.

_Her coldness does her no credit._

"Oh, she was an absolute delight, Commander," Samantha replied, a heavy hint of sarcasm on her voice, "It was such a _pleasure_ to meet the infamous Ms Lawson.”

"And it was nice to meet the new Kelly Chambers, Shepard," Miranda said rather hurtfully. Shepard gave her a look.

"Come on, Miranda, Traynor's worth ten of her," she said defensively. "And Kelly was being used by The Illusive Man. You can't blame her for the position she was given."

_Wow, is the Commander standing up for me?_

"If you say so," Miranda said lightly, as though disregarding her comment as fact, "Anyone can clean a fish tank though. Hopefully this one can keep her clothes on while doing it."

Shepard chuckled, and ruffled her shoulder-length red hair coyly.

Samantha cleared her voice, reminding them that she was still here. _Woo, I'm sensing a story here!_

"Right!" she said loudly, pretending not to have heard Miranda's words, "If there's nothing else, Commander?"

"No, Specialist, that will be all," Shepard replied, rather apologetically. "Thank you for your assistance. Dismissed."

Samantha saluted the Commander then turned on her heel, catching Miranda Lawson's cold blue eyes glaring at her in return before the elevator doors closed. As soon as the lift began to descend, Samantha breathed a sigh of relief.

_Glad that's over with! What an ass...literally! Talk about giving a bad first impression._

She began to think back over all the condescending little comments that the ice queen had thrown at her. Samantha got the feeling that Miranda didn't care though. She was a typical Cerberus bitch, not giving a damn whoever she stepped on as long as she got her way.

 _At least I stayed professional, even if I did lose her for a spilt second. Not to mention wanting to give that ass of hers a good spanking. God, that_ was _a nice ass!_

Shaking the image from her head and reminding herself that Miranda Lawson was a stone cold ignoramus, Traynor exited the elevator and made her way back to towards the CIC, thinking to herself that this Kelly Chambers needed to be reviewed.

_I've never heard of her before, but I'm guessing being compared to her isn't exactly a good thing._

Feeling at ease once more, now that she was back at her station beside the Galaxy Map, Traynor searched through her extensive database for Kelly Chambers, dreading what she was going to find. When she began to read made her jaw drop, and she became deeply offended by the fore mentioned remarks from the Australian visitor. _Oh, she is_ such _an asshole..._ She scanned through the video footage that was at her disposal. _On second thought, maybe I should give this Kelly Chambers a call...She sure can dance!_


	2. Chapter 2

"Specialist Traynor?"

"Yes, Ma'am?" Samantha looked up from her station at the Galaxy Map to see Commander Shepard in her military regs, ready to disembark for another visit to Huerta Memorial to see Kaidan after his injuries on Mars. Wow, she sure can fill out that uniform! There was a smile on her scarred face as she realised Traynor trying desperately to disappear into thin air, as the others on the ship filed out around her.

"Aren't you going to take advantage of some much needed shore leave?" Shepard asked. "Who knows if or when we'll get another chance?"

Everyone else couldn't wait to get off the Normandy after the stress of the last few missions. Even EDI had snatched herself a body in the form of Dr Eva. Not even the ship wanted to be in the ship any longer. Granted Cortez did take a bit of persuasion, but he, it appeared wouldn't be the only one.

"Erm...I was going to try to optimise the drive core with EDI actually," Samantha replied evasively, trying not to look directly into Shepard's green eyes in case she noticed the lie. "What's left of her, I mean." The idea of touring the Citadel didn't exactly interest her. She's much rather be working in a lab somewhere.

Shepard chuckled. "Well, even EDI would like some downtime today it would seem. She's taking that new body of hers for a test run with Joker. Why don't you join them?"

Traynor chuckled and followed Shepard's gaze, seeing the synthetic figure exiting the airlock with an amused looking Joker in tow. Lucky bastard, she thought with a grin, I bet he's just loving this. Not that I blame him.

"It is a remarkable piece of machinery," Samantha said approvingly, a wicked glint in her eye. Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"That's one way to put it," she replied with a chuckle. "So how about it?"

"Um, I think this one's all on Joker," Traynor smiled. "I'd feel like a bit of a third wheel."

"I meant about leaving the Normandy," Shepard grinned. "Joker's got his hands full it's true, but there are plenty more of the crew who would enjoy your company. I hear Vega's hitting Purgatory. An invitation from an attractive woman such as yourself wouldn't be refused, I'm sure."

Samantha's eyes widened. She thinks I'm attractive? She pondered the idea of some shore leave then, trying to ignore that sinking feeling that Shepard thought she was straight. She didn't particularly fancy being Vega's arm candy for the night, but then again he was quite fun to be around. It wouldn't be so bad, once she made it clear that he was never going to get into her rather basic military briefs. But not many men take the hint when I tell them I'm only into women. For some it's only an invitation to try harder. Vega's ego probably couldn't handle it. On that note, Sam had seemingly made up her mind. She didn't much like the idea of rubbing her comrade up the wrong way...so to speak.

"I... think I'll just stay aboard the Normandy today, Commander. I have a lot of work to catch up on. Besides, I've never really enjoyed the many 'splendours' that the Citadel has to offer."

Shepard wasn't placated by her answer. She gave her a knowing smile. "Samantha..." Hearing the woman mention her first name so soothingly, Samantha felt a warm sensation overcome her. What? Am I attracted to my Commanding Officer now? Oh, no...I am, aren't I? "I'll order you dockside if I have to. I don't want you to burn yourself out. There's still a lot of this war left to fight yet."

"I..." Traynor tried desperately to think of a reason to escape, then sighed in defeat. It didn't help that Commander Shepard's concerned green eyes were making her quiver under their gaze.

"Well, are you coming?"

In a manner of speaking. "Err, alright then," Traynor relented. "I suppose the Citadel bar doesn't sound so bad. An apple martini or two wouldn't go amiss."

Shepard chuckled and patted her on the shoulder approvingly, feeling how tense she was. "Nice choice. I might see you there later if you're still around. I do like to get to know my crew a little better, and I'm aware I've been neglecting you somewhat compared to the rest."

"Well, I'm not exactly risking my life on the front line," Samantha replied understandingly, walking alongside Shepard towards the airlock. "But I wouldn't mind getting to know you better either. I've only heard the legends, Ma'am. I imagine the woman herself is quite different."

Christ, Samantha stop flirting with her!

Shepard laughed. "She is," she admitted, a little ruefully. They walked through security together, sidestepped many refugees and military personnel and entered the Citadel Elevator. "I'm afraid I don't play much by the rules, personally or professionally. I've made quite a few people unhappy in the last few years. Mainly myself with the some of the decisions I've made. One drink in and I'm sure you'll be wishing you'd never joined my crew at all, Traynor."

Surprised at the woman's brutal honesty, Samantha chuckled. "Well, it just so happens I'm a sucker for punishment so...in that case, I'll have a strong drink waiting with your name on it."

Shepard threw her a wicked smile.

You'll be the death of me I think," she joked.

Traynor laughed. "Haven't you already died?"

"Good point. Maybe I should enjoy this body even more than my previous one. I doubt I'm going to be wakened from the dead twice in a lifetime."

They both chuckled. Shepard bid Traynor goodbye as the elevator came to a stand-still at Huerta Memorial. Samantha watched her go with a smile on her face, glad to have finally survived a conversation with the infamous, highly-attractive woman that didn't see her coming off as a blubbering idiot. You go, girl! Now down to Purgatory to coax Vega into buying me a drink. As the elevator doors closed again, she pressed the correct button from the selection and waited patiently. It wasn't long before pulsing bass was vibrating through her feet, and the doors opened up to reveal Purgatory, one of the Citadel's many unregistered nightclubs. Taking a deep breath and steeling herself, Samantha stepped out, not knowing just how legendary this night was going to be.

#

"¡Ay, Dios mío! That's some good shit!"

Samantha grimaced as she swallowed her fifth shot of tequila with the massive wall of muscle that was James Vega. The Lieutenant howled in approval and slammed his glass back down on the counter, throwing his hands up in the air.

"You can certainly put it away, Vega," Samantha laughed. The last few hours with him had been more entertainment than she could handle.

"I could say the same for you, girl. You could give Esteban a run for his money," the Marine replied, patting her on the shoulder. "I take it you and me ain't going any further than friends though."

"Oh? And...what makes you say that?" Traynor asked interestedly.

"Por favor, chica. I've seen you check out more ladies in here than I have in the past hour," Vega said, barking with laughter. "You can't fool me. I got a sixth sense about these sort of things."

Traynor laughed and they both clinked their shot glasses together. "Well-spotted, Lieutenant. So... anyone in here catch your eye? I mean besides me of course."

"Ha! A couple here and there," he admitted. "Don't think I wanna go down that road again though, you know? In this line of work I only end up hurting people. Plus, I've got too much to focus on. Can't let any of these mujeres get inside my head."

"What about inside your bed?" Traynor shouted over the loud music. Vega threw back his head and barked with laughter.

"You're a bit of a bad girl, I'm sensing!" he teased, grinning. "I'm beginning to see through this lab-worker persona you're rocking. I bet you did your fair share of travelling in your Oxford days. Bed-jumping and the like, no?"

Traynor chuckled. "I may have visited the likes of Spain and Italy and bedded a few stunners in my time."

Vega laughed and knocked back another shot. "Nice! I'm still waiting on the details though," he joked. Traynor rolled her eyes. Typical man! "Ey, I'm kidding, Tray," Vega continued, putting his arm around her shoulder and giving her a squeeze. "You can tell me some other time." She punched him in the ribs, hearing him laugh. "Let's dance a little , huh? I'm in the mood to let the guns loose."

"Oh Lord, on that note I think I'll pass," Samantha laughed. "I'm not nearly drunk enough yet." Vega groaned.

"Argh, suit yourself, Specialist. I happen to be an excellent dancer. Mi abuelita taught me some moves, you know!"

Samantha giggled, and downed another shot, shaking her head at the Lieutenant's confidence as he strolled away and found himself a space on the dance floor. Well, one friendship made so far. Now I just have to be a bit bolder with the others, Liara in particular. Working in the lab for so long had made it rather difficult for Traynor to meet new people. She was sensing her luck was about to change being on board the Normandy, but it was still taking some getting used to.

"Hey, is this seat taken?"

Samantha jumped and turned to find Commander Shepard standing behind her. The full effect of the woman's green eyes hit her once more, and she took a second to compose herself.

"No, not at all, Ma'am!" she exclaimed, moving her legs, allowing Shepard to balance herself on the stool beside her.

"We're off duty, Traynor. There's no need to call me Ma'am," the Commander laughed.

"Very well. Are we on a first name basis or surname?" Traynor teased.

"Whatever tickles your fancy," Shepard shrugged.

Samantha smiled. "I thought you weren't coming."

"Kaidan's doing better," Shepard informed her, "He's bored out of his skull though, so I stayed a while longer than expected. Sorry, I'm late. He and I had quite a bit to talk about if I'm honest. It was as good time as any to get some of it out of the way."

"So...Were you and he...?" Samantha's voice trailed off, embarrassed. The tequila seemed to have given her a bit of balls. It was a bold question however and she immediately regretted asking it. She's my Commander! What was I thinking? "Sorry..."

Luckily, Shepard took it on the chin. "It's alright. I'm sure you'll find out my stories sooner or later. You don't have much privacy when you've been lying naked on a slab for two years."

Stop picturing it, Samantha! Stop picturing it! "I guess you're right," Traynor replied, pushing the image from her mind. Surely the real thing wasn't as sexual as her deprived brain had made out.

"Better they come from me I suppose," Shepard sighed. Traynor waited expectantly then. It was a few seconds before the Commander opened up. "Kaidan and I slept together a few times before the fight against Saren," Shepard admitted finally, helping herself to Vega's tequila, "Nothing serious, just burning off some stress...At least that's what it was for me. He always carried a bit of a torch for me though. I ended up hurting him in the end. Unintentionally of course."

"What happened?" Samantha asked interestedly, sipping her tequila.

"I...fell in love with someone else," Shepard admitted. "Someone we both knew."

"I'm so sorry," Traynor said again quickly, "It was rude of me to ask."

Shepard chuckled. "Well this drink was about getting to know each other better," she joked. "I didn't think we were jumping in right at the deep end, but I'll bite. So how about it, Traynor? Is there a Mr Comm Specialist rooting for you back home?"

"On the contrary, I've never really been a fan of the comm men specialize in when rooting for you."

"Wow-ho, nice word play!" Shepard laughed, throwing another shot of tequila back. "I'm late to this party it seems!" She poured another two shots and handed one to Traynor. "I'll have to remember that one... So I take it you're more accustomed with the female form then?"

"Quite," Traynor replied, a mischievous glint in her eyes. She's finally caught on. "Then again I seem to have hit a bit of a dry spell in recent years."

"Is that so?" Shepard asked, interested. "Any particular reason?"

"Oh, just a long term relationship that didn't end well," Traynor replied with a sigh, "We met in University during a research trip in Spain. I didn't feel much like dating after that went tits up."

Shepard whistled. "I'm sensing a story here," she teased.

Traynor laughed. "It'll take a lot more than just a few shots of tequila to get me talking about that one," she said, draining the last of her drink.

Shepard grinned. "Well, in that case, I'll have that apple martini you promised me earlier."

Surprised at the Commander's smoothness, Samantha chuckled and grabbed the bartender's attention, ordering two apple martinis. Ok, keep cool, girl. This seems to be going alright. God, Shepard's easier to get on with the expected! She's actually...There's really no other word for it: Cool!

She and the Commander both raised their cocktail glasses.

"To getting to know each other," Shepard said, her green eyes peering into Samantha's brown ones. They clinked glasses and took a sip.

"Not bad!" Traynor approved, smacking her lips together. "I used to make a mean one of these back on Earth."

"Maybe we should have cocktail night abroad the Normandy sometime," Shepard said, "God knows, we could all do with a break here and there. Shore leaves are just too few and far between. I’m not going to lie, it's starting to wear on me a little."

It was only than that Samantha noticed just how many scars the Commander was sporting on her face. Some even showed an orange hint of the synthetic implants under her skin in the pulsating lights of Purgatory. Mmm, synthetics...Traynor shook her head. Focus, Samantha! She reached out and placed a hand on Shepard's arm then.

"Are you alright, Commander?"

Shepard immediately pulled herself together. "Of course. I have to be," she said with a smile. "I don't get a choice in that matter."

"It's ok to need a bit of downtime on occasion though," Samantha offered kindly.

Having the entire galaxy relying on her must take its toll sometimes. I never really thought about it much before now. But looking at her up close she does look rather... exhausted.

"When I take downtime, all hell usually breaks loose," Shepard joked. "I'm half expecting Reapers to drop in for a drink any second now."

They both shuddered and looked around the nightclub, knowing that was a very severe possibility. Shepard cleared her throat then and ran a hand through her hair distractedly. Her usual chipper mood seemed to have soured after her most recent encounter with Kaidan. It mustn't have went well. Samantha observed her closely, gathering that Shepard was the heart-breaker there, rather than the opposite. I wonder what happened between them. I wonder who she fell in love with that hurt Kaidan so much?

"Sorry," Shepard said, staring down into the depths of her glass, swirling the green liquid around. "I came here to try and cheer us both up, not bring you down with me."

Traynor gave her a sympathetic smile and placed a hand on her forearm. "Don't worry," she soothed. "Vega kept me going for the past few hours. He's a nice guy under all those muscles. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to return to the Normandy soon though."

"Argh, no, forget that!" Shepard said, wearing a half-hearted smile and straightening up. "You wouldn't leave me to drink alone would you? Last time I did that I woke up on Aria's sofa with no clue how I got there."

Traynor laughed. "Have a thing for Asari do you?"

Shepard cringed. "God, don't talk to me about Asari. Liara and I aren't exactly on the best of terms these days."

"I'm sensing another story here," Samantha replied, using Shepard's earlier words.

The Commander chuckled. "That's not one I particularly want to go into," she said wryly, "It’s semi-related to the one I told you about Kaidan. The last few years have been a bit of a mess, Traynor, if I'm honest. Being dead really messes up your personal life."

Traynor laughed. "I'm sure. Two more martinis over here, please!"

The bartender shook up their cocktails and placed them on the counter. Shepard took hers and almost downed it in one. Traynor sipped at her own, lost in thoughts about the Commander's love life then. If I'm not mistaken, she thought, Liara and Shepard must be closer than I first thought. Judging by the look on Shepard's face in that moment, there was definitely something going on between her and the Asari that not everyone was privy to. Maybe she's not so straight after all. Or maybe it's wishful thinking on my part... Oh Lord, Samantha, we really do need to get ourselves laid, don't we?

"I must say, Traynor," Shepard began, turning to look at her, a hint of a joke in her tone. "I rather enjoy your company, though I've been trying to avoid you a little after that awkward Omni-tool conversation a few weeks ago."

Samantha instantly blushed. "Oh...sorry about that," she said, cringing, "I use EDI to entertain myself sometimes when the days drag in."

"Is that so?" Shepard teased, grinning wickedly.

Samantha's mouth fell open. "I didn't mean- Not like THAT!" she blurted out, humiliated. Shepard laughed loudly as Traynor brought a hand to her head and closed her eyes. "I...Oh, balls. Kill me now."

So close, Samantha... Damn, it seems it's only a matter of time before I embarrass myself in front of Shepard. Why does she have such an effect on me?

"I'm kidding," Shepard said, patting her shoulder as the woman doused in her embarrassment. "If anything your conversation amused me. You surely know how to sweet-talk a VI. What would you have said to EDI if you'd known she was an AI?"

"Not a word!" Samantha exclaimed. "Oh God, I should never be allowed to talk to people!"

Shepard chuckled. "On the contrary, I rather enjoy talking to you. You make a very nice distraction from military jargon. Listening to you was like something out of one of Joker's vids."

"Please, stop, Commander!" Samantha moaned, feeling her face burn once more. "I'm mortified!"

Shepard chuckled and patted Sam's head, seeing her lean over the counter to hide her face. "I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. You're cute when you're embarrassed. Here, let me buy you a shot of Krogan to make up for it."

"Ugh, I think that's me done," Traynor joked, straightening up. Shepard made a face. "Well, OK, one more."

As the Commander caught the attention of the bartender once more, Samantha's eyes caught a glimpse of someone she knew over the top of her shoulder.

"Here you are," Shepard said, sliding the steaming shot over. Traynor glanced down at it and back up at a familiar face across the bar. She immediately got a sinking feeling.

"Oh crap...Er, actually, I'll take a rain check. Cheers, Shep. This was fun. Should do it again sometime. See you on the ship!"

Before Shepard could respond, Samantha sprinted towards the exit as fast as she could, peeking over her shoulder worriedly as she weaved in and out of Purgatory's punters. Shepard was left looked rather confused and hung out to dry. Traynor cringed. She knew she would have to explain her abrupt exit to her later, but there was good reason for blowing her off. For if Samantha wasn't mistaken, there standing at the end of the bar, staring at her intently, had been none other than the aforementioned ex-girlfriend she had met all those years ago in Spain. Rather than risk a scene, she had fled. Shepard would understand, wouldn't she? This blasted war sure has a sense of humour alright. You have no future, but here's a bit of your past! Samantha thought angrily. Blast it! After this, I really can't wait to get back on the Normandy. Those retrofits are actually looking pretty damn appealing right about now.

She reached the elevator, jabbed the button to Bay D24 more than necessary. Samantha then sank to the floor as the doors closed tight, blocking out the thumping music of the club and putting another wall between her and an unforgettable piece of her past.


	3. Chapter 3

** Madrid, Spain: Alliance Headquarters, 2173C **

" _Hola_ , again," a smooth, heavily accented voice said, making Samantha jump in surprise. "We've got to stop meeting like this."

Traynor retracted her gaze from the magnificent night-time view of Spain's capital. She turned to find an extremely attractive, olive-skinned woman behind her, wearing a blood-red dress and holding two glasses of champagne. She was offering her one with a smile. They had met several times earlier that week in the blistering sun during conference walks through the city. Somehow Traynor knew that she would meet the high-ranking servicewoman for the Spanish Alliance again. Although they had spoken quite a bit that day, she had never actually gotten her name.

A smile crossed Samantha's lips before she could play it cool, and she accepted the thin glass of bubbly. "Hi!" she replied cheerfully, having had maybe a little too much to drink already.

_Or maybe it's just the effect this woman has on me. She's bloody gorgeous! They certainly don't make them like this back home._

Traynor had been thinking about her a lot since their first meeting. She just couldn't get her out of her head! Alliance cocktail parties were done differently in Spain. _I rather like this outdoorsy life if I'm honest,_ she thought to herself, thinking she could get used to fancy get-togethers and dressing up to the nines as though she owned a limitless credit chit. She tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear, and turned back to the scenery. "I was just admiring your city, Ma'am. It's simply breath-taking!"

The woman laughed musically, and flicked back her own long, wavy stygian hair, sliding in beside Traynor and leaning her arms on the balcony ledge too. They peered over the side together. Feeling her soft skin brush against hers, Samantha shivered, knowing it had nothing to do with the weather.

" _Sí_. I agree," the Spaniard replied, her warm chocolate eyes scanning the view, as mesmerized as Samantha. Even at this time of night it was warm. Neither of them were chilly in their formal wear, despite the light breeze that was circling the tall building they were on top of. "I almost wish it _was_ my city, like you say, Señorita."

"You're not from here?" Samantha asked, interestedly.

"I'm from _España_ , but not Madrid," she answered in her soft cadence, rolling her 'r's delicately. "I was raised in Murcia in the Southeast. I was relocated here by our branch of the Alliance when they realised my potential as a Biotic. That was a few years ago now. I tend to spend most of my shore leave here in the capital, however."

"Sorry, I just assumed," Traynor replied, embarrassed. "My knowledge of Spain is next to nothing, I'm afraid."

The woman chuckled. "Ay, don't worry, _guapa_ ," she said with a smile. "I assumed you were from England, before your friend told me that you grew up on Horizon, remember? I guess we can both be forgiven for our ignorance, no?"

Samantha grinned, thinking back to her geeky university colleague, Ed, the one who had travelled with her to Madrid for extra credit. _He still acting like he knows me best, the idiot._ Ed had never taken her rejection of him well, back in their first year at Oxford together. Too many shots of vodka had given him the courage plant a slobbery one on her one night, only for her to tell him that his lack of lady parts meant he wasn't exactly her 'type'. Samantha was sure he took this trip to try and gain her affections. _The poor bugger,_ she lamented. _He's fighting a losing battle there._

Both she and the Spaniard stared out at Madrid's splendours for several seconds before taking a momentary break from conversation. It was so peaceful here, listening to the classical music from the party drift out the open balcony doors.

"My name is Doctor Elena Torres Sanz," the woman offered then, with another dazzling smile, taking Samantha's breath away.

Traynor grinned. "Samantha Traynor," she replied confidently, shaking her hand.

" _Encantada,_ Samantha _,_ " Elena said smoothly. She leaned in and placed a light kiss on either of Traynor's cheeks, taking her by surprise. Samantha froze, feeling herself blush.

_Oh, God! She smells amazing!_

"Eh..." she breathed awkwardly. Elena chuckled, pulling away, her hand still resting on Samantha's arm. Clearly Traynor's reaction was one that she was used to after such an introduction.

"I'm apologise," Elena said. "It is normal here to greet a person this way. Foreigners tend to find it a little too, er... personal however. I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable."

"Oh, I don't mind!" Samantha replied quickly, waving her hand, feeling rather flustered. "I... rather liked it actually."

_What!? Oh Lord, no more champagne for you Samantha. What are you thinking?_

Elena laughed, and took another sip of her drink. Traynor silently berated herself for coming on too strong. She tended to do that quite a lot in these situations. Christ, she wasn't even sure if this woman swung the same way she did! _Maybe she's just being friendly,_ she thought. Samantha felt her head becoming rather cloudy from the alcohol then. Sometimes words slipped out of her mouth even when she as sober though, before her brain was able to process them. She severely hoped as she got a bit older that subtlety wouldn't still be such a lost art to her.

"So, you are on a scholarship from the Alliance, no?" Elena asked then, her soft brown eyes dancing in the vibrant lights of the bustling city below.

"Yes, I'm enlisting this year actually, provided my University results prove definitive. I'll be working in a lab though, nothing fancy like you. Ed told me you serve in the military branch?"

Elena nodded thoughtfully. "As a medic on board a frigate," she revealed. "I'm much like you in this case. I wasn't enlisted for my fighting techniques, although standard military training is included in the initiation process. You never know when you might find yourself in a situation to need them, especially in space."

"Wow, you must have seen a lot in your travels then!" Samantha said, impressed. _Now I know how she got that fine figure of hers._

"Ah, _un poquito_ ," Elena laughed. "Normally I don't leave the ship, though there was this one time when..." Samantha listened intently as Elena's accent stole her over, entrancing her with a story about an incredible adventure on a foreign planet. As she watched her hands fly animatedly, Traynor lost herself in the woman's swimming eyes, seeing the passion burn deep within them, hypnotising her beyond belief. Her mouth began to water then as she glanced down at Elena's full, red lips, longing to cover them with her own.

_God, how I'd love to run my tongue along her body._

Feeling rather bold (not to mention slightly drunk) she leaned in instinctively, closing the small distance between them to lay a delicate kiss on her mid-sentence. Elena gasped in surprise, eyes wide. She broke from the kiss and stared at Samantha with wide eyes.

Traynor cringed. "Oh-crap-sorry," she began, shocked at herself more than anything, "God, I'm such a tit! I-I've had a bit too much to drink and—I thought-Oh!" Before she could stammer any more of an apology, Elena's lips crashed down upon her like a wave. The world swayed, and she kissed her back passionately, taking her breath away, and igniting fireworks in her body.

_Or maybe that's the champagne..._

Samantha quivered excitedly, feeling Elena’s hands slide along her waist, caressing the tight, navy dress she was wearing and pulling her closer. She stroked Elena's cheek, massaging her tongue with her own, wondering when that last time was she had been kissed this way, or if she ever had at all.

_Christ..._

It was several seconds before Elena recomposed herself. Her face hovered inches from Traynor's as their lips parted. Both of them stood in the other's embrace, trying to comprehend such a random, spur-of-the-moment incident. Samantha ran her hand along the Elena's face, brushing away a strand of hair that had come loose and tucking it behind her ear.

Elena smiled, her eyes twinkling. " _Dios mío_ ," she breathed. "I've been wondering when you were going to do that."

Samantha chuckled. "So sorry to have kept you waiting, Ma’am," she whispered jokingly. "You could have just asked, you know."

Elena giggled shyly. "I didn't think you were _lesbiana_ ," she admitted. "I thought maybe you and Ed were..."

"Together?" At this, Samantha laughed. "Ed's just a friend. My best friend, although he still thinks he's more than that. I'm afraid I've ran out of ways to tell him that it's never going to happen."

They both laughed. "Well," Elena breathed, her warm breath tickling Samantha's face. "Maybe I can give him another one." She pressed her lips against Traynor's gently, entwining her fingers in hers and pulling her back towards the party. Traynor heard her giggle and felt her heart leap with excitement, allowing the woman steer her through the crowds of people and into the elevator on the other side of the giant ballroom.

As soon as the doors pinged shut, and they began the long descent to the bottom, Elena pressed Samantha against the wall, kissing her once more, pinning her hands above her head and getting a soft, moan of approval in response.

"Stay with me tonight," Samantha breathed, feeling Elena's adventurous tongue travel along her collarbone. _My, she's good at that!_

Elena smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."

When the lift reached the ground floor, Traynor took her by the hand and dashed across the busy street to the adjacent building, where the Alliance had provided a temporary apartment for her. They barely made it inside before they were upon each other once more, tearing each other's clothes off carelessly, blindly exploring the contours of the other's body in the dim lighting of the living room. As Samantha fulfilled her earlier wish and made her way down along the woman's writhing, naked body, leaving a wet trail of kisses in her wake, she knew this night would definitely be one to remember.

#

** Present Day **

It was off duty hours for most of the Normandy crew, a chance for them to get some shut-eye after the hectic battles of late. The Reapers were quickly bringing the systems under their control, and the chaos of Earth was now unleashed on every race, opening theatres of war on all fronts. Unable to sleep, bogged down by memories of her past, Samantha grew hungry and decided to give up on a much needed rest. She walked through the Crew's Quarters, going for a pee in the bathroom, washing her hands then throwing water over her face, before making her way to the Normandy's kitchen.

The ship was unusually quiet, with nothing but a skeleton crew keeping an eye on things, making sure they weren't caught unawares in case any Armageddon machines decided to pop in for a chat. What remained on duty were up in the CIC, leaving this floor devoid of any race, human or otherwise, something which Samantha greatly appreciated this moment in time. _Hmm, reminds me of working in the lab,_ she lamented, feeling rather contented despite lack of a decent sleep. _Sometimes I miss the quiet my work brought back on Earth._

Then she remembered it hadn't all been fun and games. _Elena,_ she thought sadly. _How could she do that to me? In my own lab of all places!_ Remembering her ex-girlfriend's face once more, she sighed, thinking back to the day things had taken a turn for the worse in their relationship. As she began buttering the bread for her sandwich, Traynor began to hear voices nearby.

_Is that...Liara? Yelling?_

Curious, Specialist Traynor leaned closer to the wall facing her, listening for sounds on the other side where Liara's quarters were based. Two voices were suddenly getting louder. It was then Traynor recognised the second.

"...can't do this anymore, Liara," Shepard was saying, her voice heavily strained. Samantha had never heard her sound so emotional. Normally her tone was full of mischief and light-hearted vibes. There was a certain edge to her now, a severity that she had kept well-hidden from the outside world.

"Shepard, please!" Liara begged, sound equally as tense. "It doesn't have to mean anything. I know the Meld is the only thing that helps you sleep. You need res—"

"No!" Shepard interrupted, so harshly that Samantha recoiled a little herself. She heard Shepard exhale, exasperated. "I can't... Every time we try, I- All I can feel is the pain I've caused you. That and my own."

"Hayley, please," Liara sighed.

 _They must have been even closer than I imagined,_ Samantha thought to herself. Few dared use Shepard’s first name.

"No!" Shepard replied firmly again, her voice sounding further away as though she was pacing the room. There was a loud bang, as though someone had slammed her fist against the wall, making Samantha flinch again. She strained her ears for the rest of Shepard’s words. "...fuck's sake, Liara, why couldn't things have been different between us? I didn't ever think they'd turn out this way."

"Neither did I,” Liara replied. It was a while before anyone spoke. "I am sorry," the Asari replied finally, sounding close to tears. "But you were _gone_ , Shepard. For two years! Goddess, I thought you were dead! What was I supposed to do?”

"I don't blame you for moving on," Shepard replied, her voice coming back into focus for Samantha, who was still listening intently. She had stopped buttering her bread now, the knife resting in her hand. She was too curious to fear being caught eavesdropping on something this personal. "You thought I was dead, I know. But I came back! For you!”

"I just couldn't pick up where we left off. It hurt too much."

"You were so cold when we met on Illium. Do you have any idea how that felt when you brushed me off like that?" Shepard asked. "You had two years to get over me. Two years! But I'd woken up as though no time at all had passed to find my closest friends had all forgotten me. No one gave a second thought to how bizarre it must have been. You were all too wrapped up in your own shit to even care. Well, apart from Garrus and Tali... I always thought I could have counted on you to be there as well."

"Hayley, I wanted to be. I was the one who gave your body to Cerberus! Don’t think for a second that I ever stopped loving you." Liara appeared to be crying openly now. "It just became too difficult to cling to false hope any longer. It tore me apart. Loving you tore me apart.”

"All I know is, if the tables were turned, I would never have given up on you. Not for one second.”

A brief silence fell between the two women then. Samantha realised her mouth was agape. _Wow, Shepard really laid it all out for you there, Dr T'Soni._ She tried to process all she had learned. _So, let me get this straight. Shepard left Kaidan for Liara, and Liara...what? Doesn't love her anymore? Slept with someone else? What?_ Samantha raised her eyebrows, confused. _Christ, and I thought my love-life was messy._ Eager to hear the rest, she strained her ears, hoping to catch more of the ongoing conversation.

"...hardest two years of my life," Liara was saying softly. "I still love you. Goddess, is it so wrong of me to want something more between us once again? I have missed you, Shepard."

"Yeah, well, unlike you, _I_ can't turn my feelings on and off when it suits," Shepard replied bitterly. "You made me run pointless errands for you on Illium, manipulated me into fighting the Shadow Broker, and then left me to face the damn Collectors on my own. You did everything but tell me we were finished, Liara. I'm still trying to get over you."

"That's not fair. I was _not_ the only one who didn't return to your side!" Liara protested.

"No... But you were the only one that really mattered," Shepard sighed. "I could deal with Kaidan turning his back on me and branding me a traitor to the Alliance. But you broke my heart so soon after showing me I still had one. Calling me down here tonight hoping for a reunion like this wasn't fair, not after everything that's happened between us. You can't just pick me up and leave me when you feel like it."

"Yet you can do so with Kaidan?" Liara countered.

"That was different!" Shepard retorted angrily. "Kaidan knew we were casual. Is it my fault if he fell in love with me? I didn't mean to hurt him. We were good friends, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let him take his pain out on me. I just don't think he liked the idea of losing me to another woman. I don't know, male ego or something... I guess the joke was on me all along though, right? I mean look at us now."

"I didn’t want—"

"There's nothing you can say, Liara," Shepard interrupted sadly. Traynor heard footsteps on the other side of the wall, then Commander Shepard's voice once more, closer this time. "I don't want to fight anymore."

"Me either. Can't we at least be friends?" Liara asked, sounding as though she wanted nothing more. A tense silence passed between them.

"Of course," Shepard answered finally. "But I just... need some time." Unfortunately time was something they were running short on.

"I will be here for, as long as you need me," Liara said. "Hopefully fighting the Reapers by your side will make up for not helping with the Collectors."

"It will," Shepard reassured her. "I'm glad you're here, Liara, really. Just promise me you won't kiss me like that again. It hurts too much to think about what might have been. I can’t go down that road again.”

"I am sorry.”

“I know.” Shepard sighed. "I should...go," she said then, her voice sounding further away. "Get some sleep. It won't be long before we're at Grissom Academy, and I have a feeling we're not going to like what I find there."

"Yes, Commander... Goodnight."

There was a swishing sound as the room to Liara's quarters swung open. Samantha quickly busied herself with her sandwich as Commander Shepard rounded the corner. She recoiled in surprise, having not expected anyone else to be there.

"Well, well, well, look who it is,” Shepard teased with a grin, seeing Specialist Traynor in the Normandy's kitchen looking as tired as she felt. “Should I pour you a drink, or are you going to leave me hanging again like back on the Citadel?"Her tone had changed instantly from the angry, hurt woman she had been moments before.

_She's gotten pretty good at hiding her emotions by now, I'm sure._

Traynor cringed. "Sorry about that,” She avoided the Commander's stare, afraid she would find out she was listening in on her and Liara's extremely private conversation. "I guess I owe you a drink, don't I?"

"If I accept," Shepard joked. "I may refuse after being jilted the first time."

Traynor chuckled. "In that case, I'll just have to insist, Ma'am," she replied with a grin.

Shepard laughed. "Looking forward to it.” She slid past Samantha in going to the fridge. Feeling the woman brush up against her momentarily, Traynor quivered. She seemed to be more sensitive to the Commander's touch than anyone else's these days. _Oh come on, girl. Control yourself. Aren't there rules about this sort of thing?_

"If you're looking for the Krogan spirits, I saw Vega finish the last of them earlier during a rather entertaining competition with Garrus," she informed the Commander.

Shepard groaned. "Ah, damn. I could really use something strong right now. Hey, how about one of those apple martini's you boasted about on the Citadel?"

Samantha turned to look at her, seeing Shepard's green eyes glint mischievously. _God, she's such a chancer!_ She laughed inwardly. A part of her admired the Commander's cockiness though. Clearly she didn't get rejected much. _Well, by anyone but Liara it seems._

"Oh, alright," Samantha said. She was unable to resist Shepard’s alluring gaze. "I guess I _do_ owe you. Watch and learn, Commander. This is how we mixed them back at Oxford!"

Shepard chuckled, squeezed her shoulder in thanks and quickly got the ingredients she needed.

"So," Shepard began conversationally, watching Specialist Traynor slide her unmade sandwich to the side to make room for the drinks. "Are you going to tell me what actually happened back in Purgatory? One minute we were getting along fine, and I seem to remember having fun...weird enough in itself, but there you have it. Then BOOM! You ran off like a shot. And I ended up drunk on Aria's sofa again."

"I..." Traynor hesitated, sniggering a little at the idea of Aria having to deal with a drunk Shepard repeat. _God, how do I tell her? Should I explain?_ Lying to your Commanding Officer was never a good way to install confidence, especially not in the middle of a universe-shattering war. She figured a little of the truth couldn't hurt. "Do you remember the ex-girlfriend I told you about that night?" Shepard nodded. "Well...I sort of... thought I saw her there."

Shepard gave a low whistled, seating herself on one of the nearby stools and leaning back against the kitchen counter. She watched as Traynor measured the mixer and began to flail.

"And your first instinct was to...run?" she teased.

Samantha felt humiliated. "Well, yes!" she replied, defensively. "It was either that or stay there and watch her slide in between us, spreading her poison and sowing seeds of destruction."

Shepard laughed. "Well, we couldn't have that now, could we?" she teased. "Though you _were_ sitting with the first human Spectre, Specialist. All you had to do was say the word and I'd kick her ass for you. There _are_ benefits to being part of the Normandy's crew, you know."

Traynor chuckled. "I didn't realise that was an option," she replied with a grin. "Actually, remind me of that next time I see her."

"Next time?" Shepard echoed. "You think you'll bump into her again?"

"I'm sure of it," Samantha groaned. "She's with the Spanish Alliance. Works as medic and biotic, and this war surely needs as many of both as it gets. I guarantee I'll run into her on the Citadel again before long."

"Shit," Shepard sympathised. "What happened between you two, if you don't mind me asking?"

At this Traynor instantly clammed up. "I...I’d prefer not to talk about it, Ma'am," she replied carefully, picturing the events which led to her break up. "Maybe some other time."

"Of course. I didn't mean to pry. I'll save that conversation for when you're drunk."

"It's fine," Traynor replied with a giggle, pulling herself together. She turned to Shepard with the martinis and held out a glass to her, holding up her own. "Well, here goes nothing!"

Shepard grinned, taking the glass from her and getting to her feet, joining in the toast. "Bottoms up, soldier!"

The two women clinked glasses and proceeded to try the cocktail. As the cold green liquid assault the back of her throat, Samantha gagged, feeling her stomach heave. She made a face, seeing Shepard make the same one and cover her mouth. The Commander had downed the whole glass.

"Ugh! God, that's foul!" Samantha exclaimed.

The Commander sniggered. "Shit, are you trying to poison me, Traynor? You could have told me you spiked it with Turian supplements. "

Traynor blanched. "What?" she gasped, "But I—" She turned around to check the universal ingredients, frantically searching for her mistake. It was then she noticed. "Oh, balls! I mixed up the bloody bottles. We should really label these vials! The liquids are all the same colour."

Commander Shepard laughed loudly, seeing Samantha go red in the face. "Aw, don't worry, no harm done. Oxford needs to work on its cocktail classes though. I know I'm in dire need of a stiff drink, but that wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

"I'll make another batch if you like?" Traynor asked, eager to make up for her mistake. _Christ, she must think I'm an invalid! Why do I always seem so clumsy around her?_

Shepard smiled and patted her arm. "Its fine, Traynor, really. I think I'll just try and get some sleep. You should do the same. We have a big day tomorrow. Grissom Academy's going to be packed with Cerberus troops. Great spot by the way. I'm glad I have you here. Good to know that you're on top of things."

_I'd like to be on top of you._

"I...Thank you, Commander," Samantha replied. She felt warmth build inside her as a result of the woman's compliments, and quickly pushing her rather more risqué thoughts to the back of her mind. "I think I'll have my sandwich before I return to my quarters. I'm a bit peckish."

"Fine by me," Shepard grinned, "Just watch what you're putting in it. Garrus will be pissed if he wakes up to find more of his food is gone."

Traynor giggled. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Goodnight, Specialist."

"Goodnight, Ma'am. Sweet dreams."

Much like the first time she had said it, Shepard laughed. She returned Samantha's salute and made her way around to the elevator, head dropping. Traynor watched her go, her eyes falling to Shepard's backside before she could stop them. _Oh Lord, what I wouldn't give to be joining her in her quarters._ Something about the woman had her hooked. Was it Shepard's bright green eyes? The punkish red hair? The part-synthetic hour-glass figure?

_Balls...It's all of it I think._

Samantha sighed, turning her attentions back to her sandwich, knowing it was never going to happen. She decided to bury her attraction. Surely someone as intimidating as the infamous Commander Shepard would never be interested in an Oxford-educated girl like her...Right?


	4. Chapter 4

"Is she alright?"

Jack reached over and checked Commander Shepard's pulse. "Yeah, she's just out-cold. It was a fuc-freaking flesh wound, Joker, chill out!"

"'F-freak... Freaking!? Bahahaha!" Joker's amusement was apparent to all over the Normandy's comm system, raising eyebrows and few giggles from the crew here and there. Samantha didn't have a clue what was so funny. Her mind was frantic. _Shepard got hurt! Why are they laughing?_ She had closely followed the ongoing conversation aboard the shuttle, as it made its way back to the Normandy from Grissom Academy, waiting to hear word of Shepard's injuries. Yet all she could hear now was Joker's hysterical laughter, echoing all over the CIC as though he could care less. _Aren't they concerned? Balls, it's all my fault if she's hurt. I was the one who suggested the bloody rescue in the first place!_

Samantha watched a half-bald, heavily tattooed woman scowl on the monitor in front of her, showing the shuttle's vid comm. Had she said something funny? Out of the ordinary? She didn't look happy with Joker's continued hysterics. _Christ, Shepard, where do you find these people? I'm having such a hard job keeping track. Me! Of all people...and I know the damn periodic table like the back of my hand._

"Jack's trying to watch her language around the kids," the Alliance’s Kaley Sanders informed Joker, when he had finally recomposed himself.

"What has she got, a swear jar or something? Shit, I bet you could build a new Normandy with that thing."

Jack's students all looked to her, to see how she would respond. She smiled. "Cover your ears kids...Hey, Joker..."

Samantha's eyes widened as a burst of profanity blasted over the comms. Despite her fretting over the Commander, she managed a little giggle herself this time. _Wow, kitty's got claws alright!_ Glad to hear someone giving Joker a taste of his own medicine for once, Samantha listened closer for any more word on Shepard's condition when this Jack woman was finished with her insults, but no one mentioned it.

_Damn it, why aren't they more worried? I'm going out of my mind here!_

As she watched outlines of the shuttle's passengers disembark in the Normandy's bay and take the elevator up to the Crew Deck, she contemplated rushing down to Dr Chakwas' office right away to lend a hand. _No, I can't do that. I'll look like a complete idiot, won't I?_ Wondering what the protocol was when your Commanding Officer was injured aboard a frigate, Traynor grabbed either end of her workstation tightly, her brow furrowed. _Don't we get to crowd around her sick-bed? Fuss over her like she'd do with anyone of us? Like she did for Kaidan?_

Hearing the elevator open behind her after a few minutes of indecision, Samantha spun around, seeing Sanders, Jack, Garrus and Vega emerge, laughing quietly still.

"...Hell, you'd think she'd be used to taking in the ass by now," Jack was saying. Sanders rolled her eyes as the others chuckled. Garrus gave Traynor a friendly pat on shoulder as he passed, leading the other two woman up towards the cockpit. Before Vega could follow, Sam grabbed his arm and dragged him to the side.

"Hey, what happened down there? Is Commander Shepard alright?"

To her surprise, the Lieutenant sniggered. "She's fine, Traynor. Don't worry about it. It's nothing serious."

"What happened?" Samantha asked, her eyes wide with concern. "Do you think Dr Chakwas needs any help? Maybe I should go down and see her. Oh, balls this is all my fault, Vega. It was my Intel she was using."

"Hey, hey, relax," James soothed, rubbing her arms. "This is war, Specialist. People get injured. There's nothing you can do. You did your job perfectly. We had a head-start on Cerberus for the most part thanks to you, and the mission was a success. That's the most important thing."

"Crap, I know I'm just...not used to all this," Samantha admitted. "I used to work in a lab, for Christ’s sake. And here I've been, worrying about a bloody toothbrush all day."

Vega smiled. "I know. You're a nerd, I get it."

Traynor punched the Marine in the ribs. She sucked her knuckles, knowing it hurt her more than him. "Bastard, I bet _you_ were one of the cool kids."

Vega laughed. "What do you mean 'were'? I've still got it, chica. Check. Me. Out!"

Samantha rolled her eyes as he flexed his impressive muscles in her face. "Yes, yes, you've still got it," she mocked, wrinkling her nose at the smell of his pits. "You’re bloody stinking though. You need a shower. Anyway, Shep's alright? You're sure?"

"Positive," Vega smiled, sniffing his own pits and seeing her point. "It's not that we're not concerned, it's just...the location of the injury warranted some laughs. She was even joking about it herself before she passed out."

Traynor frowned. "What do you mean?"

Vega chuckled once more. "Go see for yourself if you really want. Liara's down in the Med-bay with her now, but the Commander doesn't seem too happy about it."

“She’s awake?”

“She was for a while. I doubt she will be now with those two injecting her.”

"Oh..." Traynor replied, taken aback a little. _Liara?_ _I thought Shepard and Dr T'Soni were keeping their distance from one another after last night._ "I...I'll maybe go a bit later then, leave them to it."

Vega gave her a look, clearly oblivious to any goings on between the Asari and their Commander. "Alright, have it your way. Catch you later, man."

Samantha smiled as he winked at her and walked off to join the others at the front of the ship. Soothed a little by his reassurance, Traynor turned back to her work and tried to busy herself again, keeping thoughts of Shepard to the back of her mind. _Vega's right. This is war. People get hurt. Oh Lord, I didn't think it would be this difficult to sit on the ship as everyone else runs off into danger though, upon my Intel of all things_

Her thought's then fell on Liara, wondering why the Asari had chosen to stay with Shepard, despite her protests. _Hadn't she asked her for some time apart only last night?_ A slithering feeling of jealousy erupted inside Samantha then, one that she had never felt before. She had never been the jealous type. Her geekiness tended to take over, and anytime she felt anything of the sort, she would bury herself in a book. _Besides, I have no right to be jealous. Liara and Shepard clearly have a history together. Painful or not, it's none of my business._ Pulling herself together, Samantha opened a file on Quantum Mechanics and began to read, hoping it would distract her as much as it had done in the past.

#

Nervous, though wondering why exactly, Specialist Traynor knocked on the door to Dr Chakwas' Med-bay a few hours later. Hearing no response, she walked inside uninvited. Commander Shepard was lying on a bed in the corner, sound asleep by the looks of things. Samantha smiled. She had never seen the woman look so peaceful. Shepard looked ten years younger, as though the events of last night were just a horrible dream. _Maybe she really did just need a good night's kip,_ Traynor thought to herself, remembering Shepard's face after her and Liara's argument the night before.

Taking a deep breath, Samantha walked over to the Commander's bed and placed a vial of water down on the table beside it, along with some food from the Normandy's kitchen. Trying not to wake her, she then turned and began to make her way towards the door.

"Traynor?"

Samantha spun around. She smiled before she could stop herself. "Commander," she said, saluting her. "You're awake?"

Shepard smiled back, still rather drowsy. "I am now," she joked.

Traynor cringed. "Oh...Sorry, I-I just thought you might need some company." Shepard laughed quietly and tried to straighten up to greet her properly. "Oh, don't! Please, let me!" Samantha said worriedly, speeding back to her and coming to her aid. The Commander grimaced and allowed Traynor to ease her back against the medical bed's holdings, watching as she settled into a sitting position. She exhaled with ragged breath, holding the right side of her ribcage and then finally opened her eyes as the pain evened itself out. Samantha's face was lined with concern. "Are you alright, Ma'am?"

"I'm great," she joked, "Didn't you hear I took one in the ass?"

"I...What!?" Traynor blurted out. Shepard chuckled as best she could against the strain in her chest.

"You mean no one told you?" she asked in disbelief. "I got shot in the butt, Traynor. I also got one in the side but for some reason everyone chose to focus on my ass."

Samantha laughed. "Can't say I blame them," she replied, before she could stop herself.

_Oh my God, did I really just say that!?_

To her immense relief, Commander Shepard smiled. _"_ Specialist Traynor," she said seductively, eyeing her thoughtfully."Are you flirting with me?"

Samantha was mortified. "I-No! A-absolutely not, no! I..." Hearing her stumble over her words, Commander Shepard started laughing. Sam sighed, bring a hand to her face. _Christ Almighty, am I ever going to realise when she's winding me up?_ "Sorry," she mumbled, feeling her face burn. "That was a joke."

"Don't worry about it. Take a seat," Shepard replied kindly. "What's up?"

"I guess I just thought I'd check up on you," Traynor replied, turning businesslike all of a sudden. "It was my Intel you based this mission on after all. I just...God, I just feel so guilty seeing you like this."

"Hey," Shepard soothed, her tone changing instantly. She patted Samantha on the arm, staring deep into her eyes. Samantha's head dropped. "You did great, Traynor. Don't start second guessing yourself now. We need you at your best. You're our first line of offence. Trust your skills and initial instincts, and then the only thing you can blame is bad luck."

"I...suppose you're right," Traynor replied, pulling herself together. "I suppose it was bad luck that got you shot in the behind then?"

Shepard chuckled, glad to see she was making jokes. "Uh, not really. That was totally my fault. I was getting a bit too cocky. Did a forward roll and a bullet skimmed my ass cheek. You should see the wound though, it's great! Looks like a Goddamn smiley face," she said excitedly, her eyes lighting up.

Samantha had to laugh. _Christ, she's like a kid on Christmas!_ _Only someone as insane as Commander Shepard would be excited about adding to her scar collection._ "Well, I'll leave you be to recover. You should be resting. I don't want to intrude."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Shit, you sound like Chakwas," she groaned. "She pestered me with sleeping pills but they still have no effect on my system. I eventually gave into Liara and allowed her to..." Shepard's voice trailed off immediately, as though she realised she didn't want to talk about that particular subject with anyone.

Samantha sat down on the stool beside her bed finally, knowing what the Commander had been about to say. _So Liara Melded with her again to help her sleep._ For some reason this bothered Samantha a little more than it should have. Even if she hadn't heard the argument between the Asari and Shepard last night, the look on the Commander's face proved that Melding with her ex was a very painful thing to do. Samantha couldn't help but feel a little sympathy for her. _I don't think I would like to expose every pick of my being to Elena after everything we've been through together, just to fall asleep alone._

"Would you...like me to leave?" Traynor asked then, feeling rather awkward all of a sudden. Shepard's face changed instantly, much like it had last night when she noticed Traynor in the kitchen.

"No, please don't," she replied, almost sounding like she was begging. "I'm bored shitless in here. Do you think you could rustle me up a drink instead? Minus the Turian poison this time?"

Samantha laughed. "Sorry," she replied, getting to her feet and checking the bleeping monitor that was attached to the Commander's chest. "Chakwas would have my head. Besides I don't think alcohol would be a good shout when you're already high on a cocktail of dihydrocodeine, tranexamic acid and Medi-gel."

"Dihydrocodeine?" Shepard repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Fuck me, what happened to good old-fashioned codeine?"

"Well, my guess is Dr Chakwas chose it as it's part-synthetic, just like you are," Traynor informed her, wearing her concentration face as she began checking the Doctor's notes in another tab on the monitor. "It's perfect for your...uh...condition. The codeine however will thin your blood too much, relieving you of great amounts of pain, but not allowing your bullet wounds to clot, even with Medi-gel. My guess is that's why she's administered the tranexamic acid to counteract it. That's what I'd do." Feeling the Commander's eyes on her then, Samantha looked up. Shepard was watching her closely, a slight smirk on her face. "What?" Traynor asked gently, feeling rather self-conscious. Her cheeks burned under Shepard's gaze.

_I'm blushing? God, I'm actually blushing._

"Nothing," Shepard replied, shaking her head, "You're... such a geek."

"Hey!" Traynor replied, slightly-offended. Shepard chuckled then.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, shaking her head once more. "I meant that in a good way. It's cute...Ugh, sorry. I think the medication is making me babble."

Samantha's expression relaxed then. She was rather flattered. _Cute?_ "Uhm, thanks. I suppose."

Shepard grinned. "Anytime," she said, winking. "So, Doctor Traynor, any chance you can examine my wounds?"

Traynor laughed. "I'm not a Doctor. I just know quite a bit about chemicals...but I can play Doctor if you wish?"

The Commander laughed, seemingly enjoying the playful responses she was getting. "I'm actually being serious," she grunted then, grimacing slightly. "I'm burning up." Her face turned paler than usual and all of a sudden the monitors on the screen started to protest, bleeping loudly.

"OH, bollocks!" Traynor replied, feeling embarrassed at having joked. _I thought she was bloody kidding!_ Commander Shepard slumped forwards in the bed, her eyes fluttering. "Oh come on, Shep. Stay with me...What do I do?"

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the monitor before her and began to scan Dr Chakwas' notes, seeing what would be the best course of action. Shepard's synthetic heart-rate was climbing.

Dr Chakwas came bustling into the infirmary. "What happened?" she demanded.

"I...I don't rightly know! She just fell unconscious!" Traynor replied, frantically. She watched the old woman lean over Shepard and slip her hands under her N7 shirt, feeling around for the wound.

"Specialist, can you get me some more Medi-gel from the cabinet above you?" Dr Chakwas asked, her tone calm and businesslike.

"Yes, Ma'am. Right away."

Traynor rushed back with it, holding the Medi-gel out with shaking hands. She held back Shepard's shirt as the Doctor ordered, allowing her to administer it to the raging burn-like mark on the Commander's left-side.

"There," Dr Chakwas breathed, relaxing then as Shepard's monitors began to return to normal after a few lengthy seconds. "Both bullets only grazed her. The one on her buttocks is healing fine, though I should have doubled the dosage earlier for this one. She wouldn't let me when Dr T'Soni was there, stubborn as she is."

"Is she going to be alright?" Samantha asked, her face lined with worry. Dr Chakwas chuckled.

"You're definitely showing your newness to the Normandy team, Traynor" she said, smiling kindly. "Commander Shepard spends most of her time here in the med-bay after particularly stressing missions. Her body just doesn't heal naturally as much as it used to. She _was_ dead after all. It's amazing she's even here with us... But the Lazarus Project came at a price."

Traynor sighed then. "Right..." _So that's why no one's making a big deal over her injuries. They must have seen this a thousand times over by now. Great, now I feel like a complete and utter idiot. Vega's never going to let me live this down._

Dr Chakwas reached out and placed a hand on Samantha's shoulder. "Don't worry, dear. I'm sure she appreciates the concern. If it were anyone else they wouldn't even be in my care now. It's just that Shepard's implants need constant attention. Her body is rejecting them you see, as a result of her actions."

"Rejecting them?" Traynor asked, her inner geek taking over. She looked to where Dr Chakwas was pointing around the Commander's abdominal wound and saw the tiny cracks of glowing orange spreading from it, revealing the synthetic skeleton underneath. "Wow," she breathed, having never seen anything like it before. "Do you think it's painful?"

Dr Chakwas tittered quietly. "You can ask her when she comes around, but I doubt she'll give you a straight answer. Hayley's a tough girl. She's had a hard life."

"Hayley?" Samantha scoffed, unable to stop herself. "Quite a girly name for one so hard."

Dr Chakwas smiled. "Tell her that when she comes to. I bet she'd rip off my monitors and walk out that door with her implants hanging out just to prove a point."

They both laughed.

"You're damn right I will." Shepard had finally re-opened her eyes. The hazy, emerald orbs stared up at both Chakwas and Traynor, then that same cheeky grin spread across her face. Both women came to either side of her immediately and helped her up into a more comfortable position.

"Commander,” Samantha exhaled, glad to see she was alright.

"Sorry for giving you a heart-attack, Traynor," Shepard joked. "I'm fine now. Are you sticking around?"

"I..." Traynor looked to Dr Chakwas for permission.

"Stay if you want," she replied kindly. "Just don't let her talk you into cracking opening my Serrice Ice Brandy. She can be very charming when she wants to be."

Samantha giggled. "Yes, Ma'am. You have my word." Dr Chakwas bid them goodnight and exited the Med-bay, the door swishing closed behind her. Traynor turned back to Shepard then, taking a seat beside her once more."So," she began awkwardly, grasping for a topic.

_God, Samantha, think of something! You're normally better at this._

Shepard snorted. "Your bedtime manner is a little rusty, Traynor. Did you even bring me gift?"

Samantha chuckled. "I brought you some water," she replied lamely.

"Wait, real water? Like, from a bottle? Oh, Specialist you shouldn't have!" Shepard joked, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

"God, you're so witty, Commander."

Shepard winked at her. "I try."

"There's food as well if you're hungry," Traynor replied, rolling her eyes. Shepard grinned and reached over, opening the glass vial and tipping its contents into her mouth. Seeing a thin drip of water stream down her chin and along her throat, Samantha swallowed hard. _Oh, wow. Something about that was incredibly sexy._ It was a while before she realised Shepard was staring at her.

"Is there...something wrong?" Shepard asked lightly, eyebrows raised as she followed Samantha's gaze to her own neckline.

"N-no," Samantha stammered, composing herself. _Stop staring at her breasts!_ "I was just..." She cleared her throat. "You spilled a little... down your shirt."

Shepard looked down again, a hint of cleavage peeking out over the v-necked shirt she was wearing. It was shining with moisture. She wiped it away without another thought, not knowing Samantha was trying very hard to wrestling down her growing feelings towards her. The Commander then began to check the food Traynor had brought.

"Want some?" she asked, offering out a curried dish to her. Traynor cringed and backed away.

"No thanks, I'm allergic."

"To curry?" Shepard asked surprised. "I love curry."

"To a lot of things actually. Curry, dust...cats."

"Hey, relax, I wasn't asking you to eat pussy," Shepard blurted out.

Seeing the Commander cringe at herself, Samantha burst out laughing. "Well, I'm glad to see it's not just me who can't keep my foot out of my mouth," she teased.

Shepard chuckled. "Apparently not. I'm worse, believe me...Anyway, what brings you down here to see me?" she asked interestedly, looking back up at Traynor again, trying to shift topics quickly, "Everyone else usually just takes bets on how long I'll last before I try to escape with the monitors still attached."

“I'd pay to see that," she teased. "I don't know, I guess I just wanted to see what a real bullet wound looked like. I hear you have a lot of them, trouble-magnet that you are."

Shepard laughed. "You've got a lot of balls, back-cheeking your Commanding Officer, Specialist."

Samantha backtracked at once. "Oh- I-Excuse me, Ma'am I—" Shepard's laughter interrupted her once more and she giggled a little herself then. _God, she is so annoying._ "You know, one of these days, I'm going to get your sense of humour."

Shepard reached out and placed a heavily scarred hand over hers then. Traynor froze, surprised at the softness of her skin, despite its apparent roughness. _What's happening here?_ Her breath caught in her throat.

"Sorry," the Commander said, stroking her hand comfortingly. Her eyes were warm, inviting almost. Samantha felt herself quiver. "I just can't resist teasing you. You're too easy."

_I'm a different kind of easy right now._

She glanced down at Shepard's full, red lips, feeling her mouth water. Knowing she had to get out of there before she did something stupid, Samantha leapt to her feet like she'd been shocked, letting the Commander's hand fall. "I-I have to go. I forgot I was supposed to update the Drive Core with EDI," she lied, improvising a reason to escape. Shepard looked confused, and a little hurt too.

_Balls, I'm walking out on her again, aren't I?_

"Oh," the Commander replied, taken aback by the abruptness of this announcement. "Er, will you come by later? I could sure use some company, and it's only you and Liara off-duty."

"I...Maybe," Samantha replied, feeling some kind of tension between them. _Is it sexual tension?_ She slowly backed away from Shepard's bed then, accidentally knocking over a platter of medical tools behind her. "Crap!" she squeaked, hearing them clatter to the floor noisily.

As quickly as she could she bent over to pick them up, then turned back to Shepard, her face burning again. The Commander was smiling once more, looking amused as she so often did by the awkwardness of Samantha's demeanour around her. She seemed to enjoy seeing her flustered. "I'll hopefully see you later then, Specialist."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am...I'll...see you..."

Hoping to get out of the room before she made any more blunders, Samantha fought the urge to run, feeling Shepard's eyes on her. When the door to the infirmary closed, she lay back against it and exhaled, feeling her heart thump wildly in her chest. _Oh God..._ All of a sudden her Omni-tool reactivated the door and it reopened. Traynor let out a little yelp as fell backwards into the Med-bay, landing on the ground rather ungraciously. Commander Shepard burst out laughing at once, as Samantha sprung to her feet, fixing her dishevelled clothes.

"Ma'am!" she breathed, her eyes wide with surprise at what had just happened.

"Are you alright?" Shepard asked sympathetically, trying to hold back her laughter.

"Fine!" Samantha replied in a high-pitched voice. "Faulty door...Mechanism's gone...See you, Shep."

She rushed out as fast as she could, hearing Shepard's continued laughter follow her all the way to the elevator. When she had rounded the corner and was sure she was out of the Commander's view, Traynor sunk on to the wall and covered her face in her hands. She punched the elevator button with her hands and waited for it to arrive, silently berating herself over and over for yet again, making a fool out of herself in front of someone she had a crush on.

_Falling on my ass? Check! Flirting with a VI? Check! Standing her up? Check! Almost poisoning her? Good Lord, I. Am. Hopeless._

As the elevator _binged_ beside her, Samantha crawled inside, pressing the button to the Shuttle Bay and figuring she might as well pay James a visit. He was very good with distractions, and after that last embarrassing scene with Commander Shepard, a distraction was exactly just what she needed to regain a bit of her dignity.


	5. Chapter 5

"Get the fuck off me, you Batarian bastard!"

"Shepard, no!" Lieutenant Vega jumped from his chair and shoved Samantha aside. Before she could ask what the hell he was doing, James had flung himself across the makeshift poker table in Dock D24, sending the chips flying. He rushed to the corner of the hall through a small crowd of refugees, to break up a scuffle between Commander Shepard and a wanted Batarian fugitive. Seeing the action, Traynor followed suit. _Oh God, is that Shepard? He's going to kill her!_

"Die, human scum!"

"You first, you fucking wank-stain!" Shepard growled back, struggling against the man's fingers around her throat. He had her pressed to the ground. "I had... no choice but to blow up your system. The Reapers would have gotten here sooner!"

"ARRRGGHGH!"

"Get off her!" Vega yelled, grabbing the crazed Batarian in a bear hug, lifting him off his feet. He kicked and screamed in protest. Even amidst the chaos, Traynor had to take a second to admire Vega's strength. _Good Lord, he's a beast!_

Commander Shepard got up off the ground, breathing heavily. She dusted herself down, and snorted with laughter, picking up the Batarian's gun which seconds before had been pointed directly at her face. Before Vega could do much more than shout in protest, Shepard aimed it at the alien in his clutches and pulled the trigger. Vega was showered in its guts, along with a few bewildered, innocent bystanders.

Samantha recoiled, stunned, wiping the speckles of blood off her own cheek. _Did she...? Holy crap!_ A few of the crowd began to scream and back away. Just then, a C-Sec agent who Shepard had been taking directions from burst onto the scene.

"Commander, are you alright?" she asked, coming to her aid.

"I am now," Shepard replied coldly. A satisfied grin was etched on her face as she stared down at the bodily remains. "One less Batarian cunt to worry about. He was the one responsible for all the weird shit going on. That crashed shuttle full of Alliance personnel was his doing too."

"What?" James looked down at the dead Batarian. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Apologies for putting you in danger like that, Commander," the C-Sec agent said. "Thank you for your assistance in this matter. I'll radio for help and get this mess cleaned up." She turned to the crowd of refugees, all of whom looked like they'd seen enough fighting to last a lifetime. "Clear out people. Nothing to see here!"

Samantha unfroze, as members of each race pushed past her to escape. She realised she had been staring at Commander Shepard the whole time, mouth agape, wondering to herself if she knew the woman at all. _I mean...Did she really just...Kill him?_ She knew the Commander was a born destroyer. Some had said mercilessly so, but a part of her had always thought Shepard only killed when she had to, when there was something or someone to be saved. _But James had the Batarian under control, right? He was restrained! She didn't need to kill him at all, he was clearly just distressed at the loss of his people._ Lieutenant Vega seemed to be thinking along the same lines. He was arguing with Shepard, holding out his arms, drenched in what was left of the fugitive. When her ears had stopped ringing after the surprising gunshot, Traynor caught wind of what he was saying.

"...had him under control, Commander," James yelled angrily. "You didn't have to fucking execute him!"

"Do you always question your Commanding Officers, Vega?" Shepard replied coldly.

James exhaled. "No, Ma'am... I guess I'd just like a bit of warning next time before a bullet comes flying past my head," he replied smartly.

"I had it," Shepard replied, ironing out a crick in her neck, a pained expression on her face. "You didn't have to intervene."

"Actually I did," Vega replied. "I got your back, Shepard. That's what I'm here for."

Shepard stared at him. A moment passed between the two, full of unspoken mutual respect. "Good," she replied finally, giving him a curt nod. "I appreciate it, James. I guess Batarians still get to me after all these years. I… may have over reacted."

Vega nodded, understanding. "I know, Commander. I'd have pulled the trigger myself, had you asked."

"Well, I didn't!" Shepard replied, her voice turning cold once again. She brought a hand to her head, closing her eyes and massaging her temples. Traynor had never seen her this way before. She seemed unstable. It was unsettling to say the least. "What difference does it make which one of us killed him? He's dead, right? I just wish I'd gotten him sooner, before all those humans were murdered!"

"I hear you," Vega said softly. "Shit. I'd better go get cleaned up." He held out his hand. Shepard grasped it tightly, staring him dead in the eye.

"Good work, Lieutenant. I owe you a beer."

"Commander." He saluted her and walked away. His blood-soaked face still looked stony. As he passed Traynor he noticed her distress, patting her on the shoulder before departing. Now it was just her and Commander Shepard standing beside a big pile of Batarian goo. Samantha desperately wanted to flee seeing Shepard was agitated, but a part of her was too terrified to move. She didn't even know if she could. Thankfully, the Commander acknowledged her first.

"Are you alright?" Shepard asked concerned. Her voice sounded closer to normal now. Her expression became softer as she saw the terror in Samantha's wide, brown eyes. Samantha exhaled. _Am I...? No, I'm not bloody alright. You just killed that Batarian in cold blood!_ Seeing the answer etched all over her face, Shepard seemed to guess what she was thinking. She took a few steps towards the Comm Specialist, slowly, cautiously, as though trying not to startle her. "Hey...You're alright. It's over. Come on. Let's go for a walk."

Still unable to speak, Samantha simply nodded, allowing the Commander to take her by the hand and lead her away from watching eyes. _Where are we going?_ _She looked_ at the back of Shepard's head. _I think I'm in some kind of shock._ Shepard didn't say a word until they were alone in the Citadel elevator. With her free hand, she pressed the button to the Presidium Commons, squeezing Samantha’s clammy hand in hers.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Shepard said gently, both of them staring at the door as the lift ascended, determinedly not looking at each other. It was a few seconds before Traynor found her voice.

"Why-” She swallowed over the dryness in her throat. "Why did you kill him, Ma'am?" She couldn't get the image out of her mind. _His head just exploded! It was like a bloody lab experiment gone wrong!_

Shepard sighed. "It's what I do."

Traynor turned to look at her. She didn't seem at all like the woman a few days previous who had joked and laughed on her hospital bed, winding Samantha up despite having two bullet wounds and a heart monitor strapped to her chest. The Commander in front of her now was cold and calculated, severe to the point of criminal. The crease between Samantha’s brow deepened.

The elevator doors swung open, revealing the beautiful, peaceful Presidium. Shepard threw Samantha a fleeting, painful glance, obviously not oblivious to her silent scrutiny. They both began to walk, strolling down the numerous marble steps together until they could go no further. Commander Shepard leaned on the railings overlooking the elegant gardens, and stared up at the exquisite scenery. Traynor mirrored her. _Christ, it is gorgeous here,_ she thought, feeling herself become calmer. _I can't believe I've never seen this part of the Citadel before._ An image of the Batarian's head exploding flashed across her mind again. She winced, closing her eyes, before finally finding the courage to speak.

"You could have let him go."

Traynor felt Shepard's eyes on her as she craned her neck to watch the multi-coloured sky-cars fly overhead. The Commander turned away, sensing that Samantha was trying not to make eye contact with her for fear of what she would find. Her head dropped, and she leaned over the rail of the Presidium. She took a few seconds to reply.

"Actually, I couldn't," she said finally, through gritted teeth.

Traynor stared, surprised at her answer. "Why?" she whimpered.

She watched Shepard struggle with some inner demons. She couldn't see Shepard's face as it was currently buried in her hands, but Samantha wasn't sure she wanted to in that moment. _God, she's actually in pieces._ Finally the Commander straightened up. She turned to Samantha, who saw another flicker of angry orange behind the bloodshot, emerald eyes. It was a startling sight.

"Because I promised myself the day those _fucking_ slavers slaughtered my family and friends that I'd kill every last one of them that got in my way," Shepard replied harshly, a fire burning in the depths of her soul.

Samantha swallowed hard, finally understanding where all this unexpected rage had come from. _Oh no._ "You're from Mindoir," she whispered, the realisation hitting her her at last.

Shepard nodded. Samantha sighed. _God, help her. I thought what happened back on Horizon was bad._

A muscle tensed in Commander Shepard's jaw, and a deep gash split along the side of her face, as though sliced by an invisible blade. "ARGHH!" She covered it with her hand.

"Ma'am!?" Samantha rubbed her back, seeing Shepard double over the railing again. After a minute or so, the Commander retracted the hand from her face, seeing blood smudged along her fingers.

"Shit," she gasped, beginning to tremble. It was then Samantha noticed a bright orange glow under the slice on Shepard's cheek, where blood had spilled only moments before. It wasn't so different from the colour shining behind her pupils. _So this is what Dr Chakwas was talking about,_ she thought worriedly, _Shepard's body is rejecting the implants every time she's put under strain. The strain seems to be a mental issue though, as though the stress levels in the brainwaves are sending messages to the rest of the synthetic frame, pushing it out through her skin!_

"Are you alright, Ma'am?" Traynor said, feeling rather stupid for even asking the question. _Her face just split in open! Of course she's not alright, idiot!_

Shepard gave her a half-hearted smile. "Sure, I'm just a little early for Halloween," she teased, sounding like her normal self. "Didn't I tell you? I'm going as my alter ego."

Traynor smiled against her will. _That wicked sense of humour will be the death of her._ "Do you fancy a drink?" she asked softly. A moment passed between them, where neither spoke. Then the Commander nodded.

"Like you wouldn't believe." She allowed Samantha to help her over to the nearest table and gestured to the waitress. A grim looking Asari approached their table.

"What'll it be, kids?"

"I'll have a whiskey," Shepard said, without reading the menu. "The Irish kind if you've got it."

"We don't," the waitress replied in a rather bored voice. "We have the Scottish kind, whatever that is."

"It’ll do.”

"And for you?" the Asari asked, turning to Traynor. Samantha hesitated.

"Um, same, please."

"Coming right up." The waitress snatched the menus from them and strolled back to the counter. Samantha waited until she was sure they were out of earshot before speaking.

"So," she began awkwardly, staring across the table at her Commander. She was eager to delve a little deeper than Shepard had let her so far. "Mindoir, huh?"

Shepard sighed, that dark look shadowing her eyes again. "Yeah."

Samantha watched her rub her hands together, seemingly looking for something to do that didn't involve staring directly at her. _It's as though she's afraid of letting me see past this mask she wears every day. Not that I blame her. The Galaxy hasn't exactly been kind to her over the years. And the press have been even worse!_

"Sorry," Samantha said softly, having never seen Shepard look so uncomfortable. "If I'd have known, I'd..."

"What? _Not_ been afraid of me?" Shepard threw her a wry smile. "You're not a soldier, Traynor. It's alright for you to be afraid by what you saw. I'm sorry to say something like that's all in a day's work for me though."

"I just-" Samantha sighed, shaking her head. She didn't know what she was trying to say. She began fidgeting too. "Forgive me, Ma'am, but... Do you really think killing every Batarian you see is going to bring back those you lost?"

Shepard's laugh sounded hollow, as though she was forcing it. "Hell, it's worth a shot," she joked.

Hearing her bitterness, Samantha was glad when the waitress finally delivered their drinks to save her from responding. Shepard's scotch barely touched the table before it was tipped down her throat. Traynor watched her closely, noticing the numerous scars criss-crossing along the pale skin that stretched along Shepard's neck. _I never saw those before._ She wasn't sure she particularly liked seeing this side of her. It was as though watching her kill that Batarian had cracked the illusion she'd cooked up in her head about the woman she was falling for. Or had that image been cooked up by Alliance propaganda, portraying Shepard as some kind of hero when she was clearly something else entirely? Samantha could never have imagined the woman to be so heartless.

"I know what you're thinking," Shepard said, all trace of humour gone now. She placed her half-empty glass back down on the round white table, keeping her hand wrapped around it as though it was a lifeline.

Samantha reluctantly met her gaze. "You do?" She hoping to God she didn't. _I _t's too damn cruel to even say out loud.__

The Commander nodded, running a hand over the glowing cut on her cheek once more. "Believe me, I tell myself that exact same thing, every time I look in the mirror." She glanced down, seeing more blood on her fingers and rubbed it on her N7 jacket.

Traynor felt guilty then. _She thinks I'm judging her...And I totally am, but do I have any right to? None of us would be here right now if it wasn't for her._ "Is it unfair of me to think you heartless?" she asked timidly, hoping not to offend.

Shepard's green/orange eyes cut through her. "You think _I'm_ heartless?" she asked coldly, her temper flaring. "Let me tell you a little story, Specialist, and then you can decide on how best to answer that one."

Samantha gulped. _Crap, I think I touched a nerve!_ Shepard took another sip of her whiskey then exhaled, before delving deep into some rather unpleasant memories that she clearly would prefer to leave well alone.

"I was sixteen when the Batarians arrived on Mindoir," she began hoarsely, staring down into the depths of her glass, swirling its contents. "My father was hanging clean clothes in the garden, laughing as he watched me imitate the neighbours. My mother was long gone by that stage. Bitch didn't stick around much after giving birth to me. Broke my father's heart and headed back to Earth. I heard she started to run with pirate clans a few years after. I have no idea what happened to her. I couldn't give a flying fuck anymore... But my father and I?" Shepard smiled fondly, reminiscing. "We were the _best_ of friends. I used to curl up beside him on the chair to watch Biotiball when I was really young. This day in particular was supposed to be no different, just me and him as usual. Dinner was on the stove. The game was about to begin. But then they came... The wretched slaver-ships; and my entire world was set ablaze in the blink of an eye.”

Shepard’s grip on her glass tightened as she paused, finding the strength to continue. “I woke up on my back some hours later having been knocked out cold. My eyes were stinging as though they’d been doused in mace; lungs clogged up with soot. I couldn't breathe. I remember looking around me, screaming for my dad. The only thing I can really recall from the fires that day was his response. Screaming… Screaming like I’d never heard any man scream before. He was _burning_ to death in front of me, _yelling_ for me to help him!” Her eyes had filled with tears, as they stared into Traynor. “And I tried, Samantha...I tried with all my fucking might but I just..." Shepard slammed her fist down on the table hard, making Samantha jump.

"Commander," she breathed, feeling extremely guilty now for what she'd said. Her brown eyes had filled with tears too, without her realising. For the first time, Traynor noticed burn marks on the side of Shepard's left hand, spiraling up her wrist like a flame.

"No," Shepard said angrily, shaking her head. "You see, if I _'m_ the one without a heart, then it's only because those Batarian bastards ripped it out of me."

Traynor instantly regretted her accusation seeing the harshness of it now. _Oh Lord, why did I even say it? I should have kept my mouth shut!_ "What did you do after?" she asked in a whisper, curious but not wanting to upset Shepard further. This was clearly a distressing topic for her.

"An Alliance patrol picked me up not long after," Shepard revealed, her voice returning to its previous hoarseness once more. "They brought me back to Earth but before I could enlist in the military I ran away. Lived on the streets for a bit, before running into Admiral Anderson again." She smiled then. "That man saved my life countless times over after that... But it still didn't make up for the father I'd lost."

Samantha quickly hid a tear that had escaped out of the corner of her eye before Shepard could see. Without knowing what else to do, she picked up her full glass of whiskey and held it high. "To your father," she said softly, giving Shepard a small smile. "I do apologise for what I said, Ma'am. I don't know a damn thing about your life. It was wrong of me to even think for a moment that I did."

Shepard's distraught expression lessened at her words. She managed to mirror Traynor's smile, clinking her glass against hers before downing the dregs in the bottom. Samantha breathed a sigh of relief. She tossed her own whiskey back too then, forgetting that it was raw. Feeling the warm liquid hit the back of her throat, she began to choke.

"Oh... _Christ!"_

Despite her sombre mood, Shepard couldn't help but snigger. She reached over and smacked Traynor's back a few times, helping her get it all up as whiskey began to pour from both her nostrils.

"Not much of a scotch drinker, are you?" the Commander teased, laughing.

Eyes watering, Samantha shook her head. "You got me," she croaked, sliding her glass across the table towards Shepard and clearing her throat once more. Shepard was still chuckling when she had finally composed herself. Traynor brought both hands to her cheeks, knowing she was blushing.

_Absolutely. Mortified._

"I gotta say, Samantha," Shepard began, eyeing the woman fondly. "It's been really great having you aboard the Normandy. Today especially."

"Oh...I- Thanks," Sam replied, feeling her heart flutter at the compliment. "I mean, who else would fall backwards through a closed door and land on their ass in the Med Bay?"

At her words, both of them fell into giggles. The tension of the last few minutes seemed to drown in their laughter. It was almost as though none of it had happened. They were just two women, sitting together at a cafe on the Presidium, enjoying a much needed drink.

"Good point," Shepard teased. "How _is_ your backside after that? Or your dignity, should I say?"

"Both heavily bruised," Traynor replied, ducking coyly. "How's your own backside, if I may be so bold?"

"You may," Shepard said with a cheeky wink. "It's pretty peachy, actually. I don't do much sitting around, but sometimes my armour rubs against it like a mother-fu… Sorry."

Traynor chuckled. "What? Don't like to curse in front of your subordinates?" she teased.

"Ah, it's not that, I just think I've scarred you enough for one day," Shepard joked. There was a certain truth to her words, despite the humour she hid behind. She took a sip of Samantha's whiskey then, watching it swirl around the glass. "I _am_ sorry about earlier, Traynor. God, you looked so terrified. You were staring at me like I was a monster."

"I... was a bit, wasn't I?" Samantha cringed, her tone apologetic. She felt terrible for how she had reacted. "I've just never really seen you in action before, Ma'am. The legends, they speak of countless battles, painting you as this... _Goddess,_ or something. I just never thought you'd be so..." Her voice trailed off, embarrassed to say it, trying not to be as judgemental as she had been a few minutes before.

"Ruthless?" Shepard offered, grimacing.

Samantha swallowed hard, then gave a reluctant nod. "Sorry..."

Shepard took a deep breath, and knocked back another mouthful of whiskey to sedate her. "I wasn't always like this, you know…” She stared out at the Presidium once more.

 _There's that pain etched across her face again,_ Samantha thought sadly, wishing there was something she could do. After a second of hesitation, she finally bit the bullet and reached across the table, covering the Commander's scarred hand with her own. Shepard's eyes met hers, surprised, but warm. Samantha's breath caught. In that moment, as she stared into the swimming orange hue, she saw that as intimidating and fearsome as Commander Shepard was, she was also just human like the rest of them. She glanced down at the Commander's lips, just like she had done days ago in the Med-bay, anticipating their touch, their taste. _Oh Lord…_

"Shepard..."

Shepard's eyes danced between either of Samantha’s, taking them in fully for the first time, soaking up whatever seemed to be spilling out of them despite the Comm Specialist's best attempts to keep her feelings in check.

"Liara..."

 _Wait, what?_ "Eh, it's Samantha actually," she corrected.

"No. _Liara!_ " Shepard said pointedly, breaking from their gaze. She pulled her hand out from under Samantha's, and spang to her feet. Suddenly the Asari in question appeared over Traynor's right shoulder. Samantha looked up in surprise and saw Dr T'Soni staring down at her with a smile.

"Specialist Traynor," she greeted her kindly. "Nice to see you off the Normandy."

"N-nice to see you out of your room, too," Traynor replied, trying to compose herself. "I... guess neither of us gets much downtime, these days." She gave a nervous giggle and got to her feet, sliding out from behind the chair.

"Lieutenant Vega told me about the Batarian," Liara said worriedly, turning to the Commander. "Shepard, what were you thinking? Goddess, look at you face! Let me see!"

Samantha lingered awkwardly, watching Liara take Shepard's face in her hands, examining the deep, glowing cut that had appeared moments earlier.

“It’s nothing,” Shepard said, allowing her examine it.

Liara’s concern was apparent as she stared into her eyes, and Samantha got the impression she was intruding. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, and cleared her throat. "I'll...just be going then. You seem to be in good hands, Commander."

Shepard broke from Liara’s gaze. "Samantha, wait, I—"

"See you on the ship, Shep!" Samantha rushed off, feeling a warm blush rise in her cheeks. _Good Lord!_ The elevator opened its doors to reveal the Normandy's docking bay and before Samantha knew it she was aboard the ship itself, wondering how she got there so quickly, even though she had practically almost ran the entire distance.

She rushed down to the Crew's Quarters and entered the girl's bathroom, turning on the crappy facets and tossing cold water over her face. _God, that was intense. What was I thinking?_ She stared in the mirror, watching droplets of water stream from the ends of her hair. Thinking back to the smouldering green depths of Commander Shepard's eyes, she felt herself go weak in the knees. _Stop this!_ She begged silently, closing her own eyes and trying to block out the feelings of attraction that were spreading from every inch of her body. _Oh Lord, I can't do this any longer. I'm going to have to do a better job of controlling my emotions around her._

Thinking of what might have happened had Liara not interrupted, Samantha grasped the edges of the sink, her heart threatening to burst from her chest. She closed her eyes, pushing the notion to the back of her mind. _This is ridiculous. We're here to do a job, Samantha, that's all. You go down this route, girl, and it'll only end in tears...Just like what happened with Elena._

Commander Shepard's face was replaced with her ex-girlfriends then. Traynor was finally able to pull herself together. She took a deep breath, drying her face off on the end of a clean towel and exiting the bathroom. She made her way back up the CIC in the Normandy's elevator. As the doors swung open, she walked over to her terminal and busied herself, checking her emails and forwarding any correspondence on that demanded Shepard's attention. As she neared the bottom of the list of incoming communications, a familiar name caught her eye. She froze.

 **_Sender:_ ** _Doctor Elena Torres Sanz, Spanish Alliance_

 **_Recipient:_ ** _Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor, Alliance Normandy SR2_

Samantha's jaw dropped. Her hand hovered over the delete button momentarily, wondering if she should read it or not. _What would she be writing to me for? I think I made it clear where I stood last time we talked._ To Samantha's dismay, her gluttonous curiosity and obvious desire for punishing herself got the better of her. Cursing her lack of self-control, and cursing Elena even more, she reluctantly touched the terminal to open the email.


	6. Chapter 6

"Checkmate! Pay up, Stevie boy!"

Samantha got to her feet and did a little victory jig. Cortez and Vega both leaned over, wrecking their brains, staring intently at the holographic chess board balancing on a crate in front of the Normandy's shuttle pilot, wondering how the hell he had lost.

_And the crowd goes wild!_

Vega laughed, patting Steve on the shoulder in consolation. "Hard luck, Esteban. She played you like a fiddle!"

Cortez sighed, shaking his head at the board. He looked up at Samantha with a grin, reluctantly reaching into his pocket, handing her one hundred credits.

"Well played, Ma'am. I still have no idea what just happened," he lamented, glancing down at the game's finished product.

"You got outplayed. Simple as that!" Samantha said,wearing a playful smirk. "I'm something of a chess master, you know."

"Yeah, only when you're playing against us!" James said, folding his arms and staring down at her. "We _suck!_ Have Commander Shepard a game sometime. She'll put you down HARD!"

Traynor paused. _Hard?_ A smile crossed her lips. _Shepard plays chess? Interesting..._

Shepard hadn’t spoken to Traynor about much more than business in the last few weeks, despite the deep conversation they had shared back on the Presidium. A part of Samantha still couldn't help but think about what might have happened, had it not been for the untimely interruption from Liara. Occasionally as she stood at her terminal in the CIC, she would chance a quick glance in Shepard's direction, as the Commander examined the Galaxy Map, her face contorted in concentration. She looked a little less stressful as of late, having finally gotten the Turians and Krogan to bury the hatchet for the sake of the Reapers, bartering an uneasy alliance between them. Yet there was always work to be done, and as usual it was all up to her to do it.

"Anyway," Samantha continued. "Thanks for the creds, Cortez. I'll be putting these to good use."

"On your date?" James teased.

Samantha blushed. "It's not a date! I'm just...meeting up with my ex to talk. Nothing more."

"Ah, stop ruining my fantasies, Specialist," Vega joked, casting a faraway look. "It's bad for my morale. Please tell me you're going to do a bit more than talk?"

Traynor sniggered and shoved him playfully. "It is _not_ a date," she insisted.

"That's not what Joker said," Cortez informed her.

"Christ, how does Joker know? Who else bloody knows about this? I haven't told a soul."

Vega exchanged a shifty look with Steve. "Uh, let's see..." He began to count them up in his head. "Joker, Liara, Garrus, Chakwas, Allers, Jack, Kaidan, Sarah, Wrex, Tali...that Turian Primarch. Heck, I bet even Shepard knows!" he laughed.

Traynor's sighed, shaking her head. "EDI," she rued. _Shepard knows? Ugh, for an AI, EDI sure can gossip. I must remember to update the encryption key on my private emails again._

"So, what are you going to wear?" Cortez asked.

"I was wondering that myself actually."

The three of them spun around. Shepard was there, leaning on one of the crates that was shielding them from view of the rest of the shuttle bay. She had a teasing grin on her face, with eyes for no one but Samantha. Traynor's heart swelled with desire as the green eyes of her Commanding Officer delved deep into hers. Her mouth fell open, as she contemplated her words. C _rap, what_ am _I going to wear?_

"Oh, bollocks, don't know. I-I hadn't given it much thought,” Traynor stammered. “All my clothes are back on Earth.” She clutched her head. “Oh, why didn't anyone say anything!? I'm meeting her in two bloody hours! I can’t go in my military regs!"

Shepard laughed musically, as Traynor began to freak out. She eased past Vega and Cortez, who were trying not to snigger. "Alright, Specialist, you're coming with me."

Before Samantha could ask where, the Commander grabbed her hand and pulled her out from behind the shuttle where they were playing chess. She led her towards the elevator.

"See ya, Nerd! I want details when you get back!" Vega called after her. He and Cortez laughed. Samantha blushed. She was so worked up that she was out of breath by the time they reached the elevator. She took her inhaler out of pocket and squirted it into her mouth, breathing in sharply.

"So," Shepard began, as the lift closed its doors and began to bring them up to her private quarters. "Nervous?"

"It's NOT a date!" Traynor said, for what seemed like the millionth time today _._ She ran her hands through her chestnut hair, succumbing to stress.

"Hey, I didn't say it was," Shepard chuckled, holding her hands up in surrender. "My question still stands though. You look like you need a shot of bourbon...or six."

Traynor exhaled. "Sorry," she apologised. "I suppose I am a little nervous. I have no idea what to expect."

"Well, there's only one thing _to_ expect when an ex invites you out to dinner." Shepard threw her a cheeky wink.

"There is?" _No one told me this._

The Commander rolled her eyes. "Shit, you really are a geek," she teased. "Come on. Shep to the rescue. As usual."

As the elevator doors opened, Shepard took her by the hand again and led her into her quarters. She let her go, leaving her standing in the middle of the giant room as she rummaged in the silver wardrobe beside her bed. Samantha had only been here once before with Shepard present, on the very day she met her when she gave her a virtual tour of the Normandy's new features. Apart from that and helping out with the retrofits back on Earth, she had only seen the outside hall. The Commander had certainly put her personal touch on the place though. It had her character; chaotic good, and devoid of emotion like the woman herself.

"You room is gorgeous!" Samantha exclaimed, taking a sweeping look around before becoming entranced by the massive fish tank built into the wall. A few tropical fish lay dead, floating atop the water. Shepard grinned.

"I'm glad you think so," she said, tossing a few dresses onto her double bed. She saw Samantha's expression at the dead fish and walked over beside her. "Oh. Er, my old Yeomen Kelly used to feed them for me. I guess I forgot. Again."

Samantha giggled. "Again? Christ, how many fish have you bought?"

Shepard made a face. "Uh, some?"

Samantha couldn't help but laugh at her innocent expression. _She's so cute. Who would have thought?_

"Here, come down and see if you like any of these," Shepard said then, turning her back on the mountain of dead fish and wandering back to her bed. Curious, Samantha walked down the couple of steps that led to a small, elegant sitting area. She approached the collection of dresses the Commander had hocked out for her. Shepard began to pull out more, flinging them over her shoulder without looking, as though having little care for them herself. Samantha pulled one off her head and placed it on the bed next to the others.

"My, where on Earth did you get all these?" she asked interestedly, holding a few up, seeing the tags on them and knowing they were expensive. _God, I couldn't even afford one of these on a year's wages from the Alliance._

Shepard closed the door to her silver cupboard and spun around. "Uh, you go me. I don't know," she admitted, examining a few herself, as though she'd never seen them before in her life. "Some are from space. Designers just give me things, hoping I'll wear them to fancy ceremonies to boost their sales. Advertising their brand or something. I don't think they realise that half of my job includes climbing around ventilation ducts, being shot at, while the other half is me stopping diplomats from spitting their suckers out of the pram every time something goes wrong in the Galaxy."

Traynor giggled. "Oh, I'd just love to see you try crawling around ducts in this," she teased, holding up a thin black, silk dress that looked very short indeed. Shepard couldn't help but laugh. She snatched it from her as Samantha chuckled, her face turning the same colour as her hair. _Is Commander Shepard actually blushing?_ She took another dress the woman handed to her, feeling the softness of Shepard's skin graze against hers momentarily. Sparks travelled the length of Samantha's arm, making her quiver. _Oh, God, not again! Why can't I be over her already? Or under her? Hey, that’s a thought._

"I think I've only worn this the once," Shepard said, staring down at the black dress before tossing it back on her bed. "It'd look better on you, I imagine."

Traynor smiled at the hint of a compliment. She leaned over, hiding her face from the Commander, pretending to check out the rest of the dresses. In reality, she just couldn't get the mental image of Commander Shepard in a tight silk dress out of her head. _I think I'll disagree with you on that one, Shep. You'd win, hands down._ Oblivious to the sexy show Samantha had going on in her mind, Shepard flopped down on the bed in front of her. Leaning her head on her hand, she looked up at Traynor.

"So," she began, a cheeky grin spreading from ear to ear. "Elena, huh?"

The smile fell from Traynor's face. "Yip! Although, I don't know why I'm even bothering, if I'm honest."

"So don't go," Shepard said bluntly, shrugging her shoulder.

Samantha exhaled. "It's not that simple," she replied, busying herself with the outfits once more.

"Isn't it?" Shepard asked. "If you don't want to see her, then don't. No one's forcing you to. I could think of better things we could do on the Citadel. I mean, can you imagine someone making _me_ do something I didn't want to do?"

Despite her nerves, Samantha found herself laughing. Shepard seemed to have that effect on her, even when she wasn't feeling much like herself. "No, I couldn't. But I'm not you, Commander. Unfortunately, I'm not as good with a gun."

Shepard lay back on her bed and laughed loudly. "Shit! What the hell did Elena do to you, to make you consider bringing a gun on a date?"

Sam grinned. "Excuse me but, you brought a gun on your first date with Kaidan, did you not?" she accused. When Shepard looked confused, she added: "He told me when I went to Huerta Memorial, to bring him his things from the Normandy."

Shepard straightened up. "Ok, number one: That was _not_ a date. And number two: This is _me_ we're talking about," she chuckled. "Hell, I have to bring a gun to the bathroom with me! Everywhere I go trouble follows... And I notice Kaidan conveniently forgot that two seconds into our supposed 'first date', some Blue Sun Mercs tried to kill me."

Samantha sniggered. "Hmm, he didn't mention that part actually."

"Well, he wouldn't, would he?" Shepard’s voice turned bitter then. "He knew I wasn't into him, but insisted I would feel different after a date. His selective memory always makes me out to be a cold-blooded bitch."

"Cold-blooded?" Samantha repeated, giving her an inquisitive look. Shepard nodded, giving her a wry smile and flung herself back down on the bed once more, one arm resting over her head. She was staring up through the skylight into space above her, looking as though she thought the whole, entire Galaxy had misread her. Traynor took a deep breath, plucking up the courage to say what she was thinking. "With all do respect, Ma'am, I think you're anything but."

Shepard looked at her, appearing pleasantly surprised. "You do?" she asked. "Even after what you saw me do on the Citadel?"

Traynor smiled. "In fact, that's what made me realise it," she admitted. "When we shared that drink on the Presidium together. I judged you too harshly, and I was wrong. Maybe Kaidan did the same."

A calm silence followed her words. After staring at her for a few seconds, Commander Shepard smiled, a quiet laugh escaping her lips. She stared down at her hands, fiddling with them just like she had that day, as though if she stared at Samantha any longer her deepest secrets would escape. _God, she can be such a girl sometimes,_ Traynor realised, feeling suddenly very fuzzy and warm inside.

Shepard slid off the bed then and got to her feet. "Thanks," she whispered sincerely, as though hearing that from someone else had made her day.

Traynor returned the smile. "You're welcome, Ma'am."

Shepard squeezed her arm affectionately, sending shivers up Traynor’s spine. "Take whatever dress you want," she called over her shoulder, jumping up the little staircase in front of the fish tank. "I have to get back to work. Make-up's on the desk. Shoes are in the bottom drawer. You're a six, right?"

"I am," Samantha replied, staring longingly after the Commander as she strutted her way to the door. _God, that figure._ "Thanks for this, Ma'am. I really appreciate it."

Shepard turned back when she reached the door. "Good luck, Traynor. Try to have fun, won't you? The Reapers will catch up to us soon. Remember, you don't have to live forever... you just have to live."

Throwing her a wink and one last smile , Shepard then took her leave, the door sliding shut behind her. Samantha took a deep breath, biting her bottom lip, thinking of how the Commander continued to surprise her. _She's actually pretty sweet._ _I can see why Liara's still hung up on her. And Kaidan. And half the Galaxy._ Pushing Shepard's love-life to the back of her mind, and concentrating on her own, Samantha then turned back to the numerous elegant dresses spread out across the Commander's bed. _Ok...Which of these bad boys screams out 'I'm better off without you'?_

#

_It's 10:35, why isn't she here yet? Oh, I don't know about this. That's it! Ten more minutes and I am out of here._

Sitting alone in one of the Citadel's finest restaurants, in a knee-length black dress and killer heels, Samantha drank the remains of her first glass of wine. She checked her watch every few minutes, a bead of sweat dropping from her temple out of sheer anxiety. Elena was late as usual. Keeping people hanging on a string was still a party piece of hers it seemed. Even though they had been together for years, and apart for a few more, Traynor couldn't help but feel sick at the thought of meeting her again, especially considering how things had ended between them.

" _Buenas tardes_ , _cariño._ How are you?"

Hearing a familiar, smooth Spanish accent in her ear, Samantha swivelled her chair. There was Elena, in a long red dress that clung perfectly to every inch of her incredible figure. Why did she have to look so hot? _Wow... No, not wow! We hate her remember?_ Traynor closed her mouth, feeling it agape with awe. She cleared her throat and straightened out her dress, wiping her sweaty palms on the expensive silk. She then got to her feet.

"Elena," she greeted her, reluctantly accepting a kiss on either cheek. Her nose tickled at the Doctor's perfume. She swallowed hard, as a rush of old memories and emotions came flooding back.

"You look wonderful," Elena said, scanning her outfit. She caressed Samantha's forearm with her hand, before taking a seat at the opposite end of the small, round table. Traynor felt herself blush against her will.

"Thank you," she replied stiffly. "Is there a reason for this dinner? Your email said it was important. What's going on, Elena?"

"Straight to business?" Elena asked, taken aback. "Oh Sam. This is not like you."

"Perhaps you didn't know me at all then," Traynor replied, being as cold as she possibly could. Even after everything Elena had done to her, she wasn't used to these kinds of games. Commander Shepard hadn't even told her why most exes wanted to meet up. A part her had a small inkling though, and it didn't sit right with her at all. Dr Torres sighed and began to help herself to the red wine Samantha had ordered half an hour ago. Traynor watched her pour them both a glass, and waited for her to speak.

"I wanted to see you," Elena said finally, her brown eyes staring across the candlelit table into Samantha's.

"Not that much, or you'd have been on time," Samantha replied coolly.

Elena hesitated. "Sorry. One of my patients needed me," she replied. Traynor fought hard not to roll her eyes at the excuse she'd heard a million times over. _She hasn't changed a bit._

"So what did you want to talk about?" she asked, taking a sip of wine and pressing menu interface in front of her, ordering her food without really putting much thought into it. Elena's hand shot across the table and took hers. Traynor looked up, stunned. Elena gave her a small smile, her eyes swimming with passion.

"I want you back, Sam," she whispered. "I need you. I’ve missed you."

Samantha felt a lump form in her throat. She swallowed with great difficulty, glancing down at the hand atop hers then back up into Elena's beautiful face. She breathed a laugh then. "You've got some nerve, lady."

Elena squeezed her tightly. "I love you. _Dios,_ I made a big mistake letting you go. I know that now.”

"A mistake?" Traynor asked in disbelief. _Is she serious?_ She laughed bitterly and shook her head, taking a glance around the restaurant, anywhere to prevent her from having to stare into Elena's pleading face. She felt her eyes build with tears. This was so unfair. _No! I'm not going to give her the satisfaction._

"P _or favor_ , _guapa._ You know I didn't mean for it to happen," Dr Torres continued. " _Mi amor_..." She reached out with her free hand and tried to place it on Samantha's cheek. Traynor recoiled and leapt up, shaking with anger.

"Didn't mean for it to happen?” She leaned over the table from above. “Did you really think this would work?" she asked in disbelief, staring down at her former love disgustedly. "Did you really think that I'd be that easy? That you could say a few words, and everything would go back to the way it was?"

"Of course not!" Elena said, getting to her feet as well. People were starting to stare. "That's why I wanted us to have dinner. Sam. Please. Let's sit back down and have something to eat. We can talk like old times. I know we can make it past this."

Samantha shook her head. "You know what? I'm not hungry anymore." She took one more sip of wine then slammed the glass down on the table and turned on her heel. Eyes of other diners followed her, as she stormed out of the restaurant. _Good Lord, this is so embarrassing. That bloody bitch can go and rot for all I care. Oh, why did I bother? Shepard was right. I should have just said no._

"Samantha, wait!" As she reached the door of the restaurant and stepped outside, Elena grabbed her arm and spun her around.

"Don't!" Traynor replied harshly, retracting her arm, stepping back. Elena wore a pained expression on her face. "You have no bloody right."

"I'm sorry!" Elena persisted, taking Samantha's hands in hers again, trying to move closer. She brushed away a lock of hair from Samantha's face, glancing from one eye to the other, as though searching for some kind of spark to reignite. "Can't you forgive me? What with the Reapers coming and everything, I thought you'd—"

"Thought I'd what?" Samantha snapped. "Want you back? You broke my heart, Elena. And even if I still loved you, it wouldn't change a damn thing. There's no _trust_ between us anymore."

Elena exhaled. "How long are you going to hold that over my head for?"

Samantha leaned in, inches away from her face. "Until it stops hurting.”

With that, she pulled away from Elena, walking off, hoping to God it would be the last time she ever set eyes on her.

"Samantha!"

"For God's sake! Can't you just—" Her words failed as she turned around and saw who it was calling her. “Shepard?”

Commander Shepard was strolling towards her, a grin on her face, looking as though she'd had the best day of her life. Elena was still outside the restaurant, staring at them both. A curious look registered on her face.

"Can't I just what?" Shepard asked. "Do a backflip? I can by the way. Wanna bet?" Seeing the Traynor was in no mood to play, she frowned. "Traynor, are you alright? How did the non-date go?"

Samantha was barely listening. She was looking over Shepard’s shoulder. Elena gave her one last, tearful look, and then walked away in defeat. Shepard followed her gaze.

"Shit! Is that her?" She whistled. "Damn, she's amazing!"

"No. She isn't," Traynor replied sadly. "She's the biggest wanker I've ever came across. I-" She couldn’t hold back the sobs that broke free, tears cascading down her face in never-ending runnels. Her heart felt like it had dropped out, leaving her with nothing but an empty void.

“Shit, Samantha,” Shepard put an arm around her, her face lined with concern. “Come here.” She drew her into her body, as Traynor heaved against the onslaught of sobs. "I take it it didn't go well then.”

"No," Traynor replied, embarrassed to have broken down. "I s-should n-never have come. God, I’m so stupid! Even at the end of the world she can still manage to p-piss me off." She pulled away from Shepard’s embrace, head bowed.

Shepard touched her wet cheek. "What happened?" she asked softly.

Traynor knew she must look ridiculous, but in that moment she didn’t care. She wiped her eyes, and looked away. "I'd rather not talk about it, Ma’am.”

Shepard smiled, understanding. "Come on," she said kindly, putting her arm around Samantha's bare arms. She retracted it momentarily to take off her N7 jacket, and put it around Samantha’s shoulders. "I'm taking you for a drink. You can tell me all about it."

"Oh, I don't really feel like drinking right now," Samantha protested, trying to shimmy out from under her. Shepard wasn't fazed as she handed her back the jacket. She grabbed her wrist, as Samantha tried to escape.

"Oh, no you don't! You look way too good in that dress for it to go to waste. I told you it'd look better on you than me.” Shepard grinned, eyes twinkling. “You're coming to get pissed. And that's an order, Specialist."

She put her arm around her once more, and steered her in the opposite direction of the docking bay. Samantha sighed and reluctantly gave in. She dried her eyes on the back of her hand, and followed Commander Shepard to Purgatory.

#

"So, you never did tell me what happened between you and Elena," Shepard ventured later that evening, taking a sip of her fifth drink.

They were sitting at a reserved table, in the corner, away from the hustle and bustle of the Galaxy's partiers. Samantha pulled the little umbrella from her fourth cocktail and dropped it onto the table, before taking a sip, feeling the Asari Berry Sunrise slip down her throat. The rest of the Normandy crew were talking loudly around them, some getting up for a dance, making the most of the last few hours on the Citadel having only been permitted less than a day of shore leave.

"You're right. I didn't," Samantha replied loudly, throwing Shepard a tiny smile. The Commander's chuckle was drowned out by the loud music. She leaned in, speaking in Samantha's ear.

"Come on," she encouraged. "I'll let you ask me a personal question. I know you've been dying to."

"I have not!" Samantha lied, her tone defensive.

Shepard chuckled. She knocked back a shot of bourbon that Vega had slid across the table for her, then eyed Samantha knowingly. "I know you heard Liara and I argue. That night I found you in the kitchen."

Samantha immediately flushed with embarrassment, and figured she owed her the truth. "Sorry," she said in a small voice. "I couldn't help it."

Shepard waved her away, but the sting was still etched in her expression. "Don't worry about it. We weren't exactly whispering, were we?" Traynor watched her face fall. She took another sip of her drink, staring over at Garrus and Vega who were pounding shots at the bar. “Did you tell anyone?”

“No!” Samantha exclaimed. “God, no. I promise, Commander. It was really none of my business. I’m sorry I even heard in the first place.”

At this, Shepard seemed relieved. “Good... Thanks. Things have been really difficult between us after... Well, after everything. Being dead for two years really screws up your personal life.”

"I'm sure."

In that moment, Samantha realised that she owed Shepard this much, having overheard something very private of hers and not given anything in return. Taking a deep breath, she finally found the words to explain. "She cheated on me. Elena, I mean."

Shepard’s eyes widened. She placed her empty shot glass back on the table, and reached out, squeezing Samantha's arm. "I'm sorry," she said, heavy with sympathy.

Traynor sighed. She stared down into the depths of her glass, becoming entranced by the blue liquid. She could feel Shepard's eyes on her, waiting to hear more. "I-I walked in on her.” She paused, reliving it all. “I walked in on her shagging my best friend, Ed, in the lab where I used to work. Right on top of my desk."

Shepard's eyebrows raised even higher. "Fuck me!"

Traynor gave a dry laugh. "Funnily enough, that's what she was saying."

Shepard did her best not to laugh at the joke. Samantha shivered as the memory overcame her. The Commander gave a little giggle then, despite herself. "Sorry. That really sucks," she replied. "I can't say I know what it feels like, because I don't. If anything I was on the other side; according to Kaidan anyway."

"Oh, don't worry," Traynor replied. "I'm over it now. Or, I thought I was until tonight."

"Well, don't look now," the Commander said, glancing over the booth. "But I don’t think your nightmare is over just yet.”

“What do you mean?” Samantha gasped.

“She’s just walked in." Shepard nodded her head in the direction of the bar and Traynor followed with her eyes. Elena was leaning over the counter, asking for a drink.

"On, no!" Traynor brought a hand to her head. _How can this be? Damn it, I shouldn't have let Shepard drag me here!_

"Hey!" Shepard slid closer to her on the chair. She tucked her fingers under Samantha's chin, tilting her head towards hers. Samantha opened her eyes, finding Commander only inches away. "Forget about her. Come on, let's go dance!"

 _Dance? Now? Is she bloody serious?_ "I-I think I might just go back to the Normandy actually," Samantha yelled back over the thumping music. Shepard rolled her eyes and grabbed her hand, dragging her to her feet.

"Don't make me pull rank on you again, Specialist. Look, they might have skipped this class at Oxford, but the easiest way to get back at your ex is by dancing with another woman. Apparently. Vega's words, not mine. But he's right!" she added as Samantha laughed.

"You want me to try and make her jealous?" she asked, feeling uncomfortable, with the idea weighted on her already heavy heart.

"No," Shepard replied cheekily. "Not at all. I just wanna fucking dance!"

Seeing the playfulness in her eyes, Samantha burst out laughing. Before she knew it, she was being dragged up the many stairs, towards the crowd of grinding, sweating people of every race in the middle of the dance floor. Everyone was trying to get one last night of madness in before the Reapers wiped them out.

"Wooo!" Vega cheered, slapping Traynor on the back appreciatively, seeing her shake it as she passed him. "So it _does_ dance! Go Chess-Chick, it's your birthday!"

"Don't forget to check out Shepard's moves!" Cortez shouted. "Trust me!"

Unsure of what he meant, Samantha frowned. The Commander finally settled in a spot on the dance floor, purposefully in watching-distance of Elena. She spun Samantha around, and the two of them began to sway. Almost immediately, Traynor realised what Cortez was talking about. She looked over at the rest of the Normandy crew, who were all pissing themselves laughing on the side-lines, some imitating the Commander's gyrating. _Ha! Even Garrus has managed to crack a smile._ As Traynor swayed her own hips from side to side, she began to get a little self-conscious.

"Er, Commander?" she asked uncertainly, leaning in to talk in her ear, as Shepard's body writhed ridiculously to the music.

"Yeah!"

"Aren't we supposed to be making Elena jealous?" Traynor asked, sniggering.

"What your point, Specialist?"

"It’s just, I think she's laughing at us instead," Traynor replied. Shepard glanced over, following her gaze. Sure enough, Elena was shaking her head, giving Traynor a look that clearly said 'Are you serious? Her?' She sat down her glass and then began to strut her way over.

"Am I embarrassing you, Traynor?" Shepard teased, continuing to bop it out on the floor, not giving a single fuck.

Samantha giggled. "Am I allowed to answer that honestly? The rest of crew have already gone back to their seats. I don't think they want to be seen in public with you."

Shepard laughed. "And what about you?" she asked, her green eyes flashing wickedly.

Traynor hesitated. "I..." Shepard's eyes rendered her speechless. Samantha felt like she'd fallen under a spell.

"Is Elena still watching?" Shepard asked. Samantha glanced over the Commander's shoulder. Elena was a few feet from them now, about to reach out and take her away.

"Yes!"

"Good."

Before Samantha could ask why, or even ponder the question, Commander Shepard closed the distance between them. In one swift, experienced move, she leaned in, pressing her lips gently against Samantha’s. In that moment, everything seemed to stand still. Purgatory's music was all but drawn out by the sound of her kick-started heart, pumping blood wildly in her ears. She felt Shepard's fingers trace her cheek, as their lips moved together, slowly, passionately, mercilessly taking her breath away.

_Oh my... God!_

Every movement, every flick of Shepard's tongue, every taste of her drove Samantha crazy with desire. Nothing else existed; not Elena, not the Reapers, not even the end of the universe. She slipped her hands around Shepard's waist, pulling her closer, feeling the tense muscles under the woman's t-shirt. Their breasts pressed together. She had never realised how tall Shepard was before, at least an inch or two higher. But she was soft, tender. Oh, so very different from the hardened character the rest of the Galaxy were accustomed to.

A small moan of longing escaped Samantha's lips, drowned out by the pulsing dance music of the nightclub. Shepard's kiss was deep, as though she'd been holding back all this time, just like Samantha had. Something about her made Samantha feel safe, despite the fact that Shepard was probably the most dangerous person in the universe. _It doesn't make any sense. None of it._

All Samantha knew in that moment, as Commander Shepard held her in her arms, kissing her for the first time, was that she was inexplicably, unreservedly in love with her.


	7. Chapter 7

_God. Oh, God, What am I doing? It's Shepard!_

It was a few seconds ( _or maybe hours)_ after Commander Shepard's unexpected kiss, that Samantha was finally able to open her eyes, having been completely overwhelmed by the full effect of the woman's soft lips on hers for the very first time. Hoping to see Shepard's beautiful features standing before her, wearing that mischievous smile she was so infamous for, Samantha was severely disappointed. Instead, she found herself alone in the middle of Purgatory's raging dance floor. _Well, almost alone._

She looked down at her feet, feeling something brush against her leg. _It's a person!_ There was Elena, lying flat on her back, nursing a bleeding nose. A deep scowl was etched across her pretty face. Commander Shepard was nowhere to be found.

"What happened you?" Traynor asked her, trying not to laugh. Elena grabbed the ends of Samantha's dress, dragging herself to her feet rather ungraciously, swaying unsteadily as she straightened up.

"Was that your plan all along?" she spat furiously, holding her bloodied nose, her temper fiery. "Lure me out here so you can just _assault_ me!? _Madre de Dios._ "

"What are you _talking_ about?" Samantha asked, frowning in confusion. _Assault her? I was kissing someone, how could I have...?_ She sighed and shut her eyes, the realisation coming to her at last. _Shepard._

"How _could_ you, Samantha?" Elena snarled, holding back her head to stop the bleeding but continuing to shout at her. "After everything we've been through?"

At her words, Traynor riled up at once. "After everything _we've_ been through?" she repeated. "Tell me, how _is_ Ed these days? You know, my best friend, the one you lured into my lab and had your way with?"

"I... don't know," Elena said through gritted teeth, her voice faltering. "I'm not with him anymore. He left me."

"What. A. Shocker! Because from where I stood, you had your legs wrapped firmly around him. Or did you forget that tiny detail?"

"I made a mistake!" Elena growled.

"And so did I," Traynor replied. "But I'm not about to make another one. Go find yourself another mug, Elena. You look ridiculous.” She gave a satisfied smile.” And I'd get that looked at if I were you. I believe your nose is broken. See you!"

Feeling positively giddy and extremely light-hearted, Samantha held her head high and walked away from her former girlfriend, working it like she never had before. _Ah, that felt good! You go girl!_ When she finally managed to squeeze her way through the crowd of drunken people, she scanned the nightclub, looking for any sign of Commander Shepard. _Where did she go?_ she wondered, thoroughly confused. _Why did she disappear like that?_ After realising she could see nothing much from this vantage point, Traynor made her way back over to their table, spotting Jack sitting in the corner with Garrus.

"Have either of you seen Commander Shepard?" she asked sliding in beside them. "I can't find her anywhere."

"Shit, Nerd, wasn't she with you?" Jack asked, looking at her strangely.

"Yes but... I... lost her in the crowd," Sam lied, avoiding her eyes.

"Fuck it, she probably just got lucky or something," the tattooed woman joked. "Here, have a drink! They're wasted on Garrus and his fucked-up Turian immune system."

Samantha grabbed the shot of bourbon that Jack slid across the table towards her and looked down at it sadly. _Why would Shepard just leave?_ she wondered, before knocking back the shot and playing with the glass, swivelling it around on the table. She sighed to herself and leaned back against the comfortable chair, staring up at the numerous multi-coloured lights pulsing overhead. _Uff, I think I'm a little tipsy._ She closed her eyes, her mind flashed back to the Commander’s surprising kiss. Feeling her body swell with desire even amidst the butterflies in her stomach, Samantha straightened up at once. She had to talk to Shepard.

"Do you think she left?" She shouted over the music at Garrus. "Shepard, I mean!"

Garrus shook his head. "Perhaps Vega knows. He was getting her another drink. He and Cortez went outside a second ago."

Feeling worried more than anything, Samantha edged out from behind the table and walked away, looking for any sign of James and the Normandy's shuttle pilot. Just as she had begun her search in the lobby where the elevator was, a message came through on her Omni-tool. She pressed the interface and screwed up her eyes, trying to make out the words through her alcohol-induced haziness:

**_URGENT:_ ** _All Normandy personnel return to the ship and prepare to leave ASAP._

_By order of Commander Shepard._

Having just gotten to the end, Samantha felt a huge whack on her back. Vega and Cortez appeared on either side of her.

"Come on, Specialist," Vega groaned, both of them grabbing her by the arm. "Let's go kill some fucking Reapers! Yeah!"

Samantha chuckled, allowing them to lead her over to the elevator. "I think you need to sober up a bit first, Lieutenant," she teased, smelling the drink of his breath and wrinkling her nose.

Vega laughed. "Ah, screw it, it'll take us a few hours to get to where ever we're going. I'll be fine," he said confidently. "You don't think Shepard's always completely sober when she fights, do you? Heck, how do you think she got shot in the ass in the first place?"

He and Cortez pissed themselves laughing as they held open the elevator doors, allowing the rest of the Normandy crew to jump in. Vega blocked a few random partiers who looked like they'd had enough for one night. "Sorry, people. Normandy Crew only. Alliance business... _Mierda_ , I think I'm gonna throw up."

Samantha laughed. She stood in the corner, staring down at her feet as the elevator swooshed. _I suppose they're right. I really don't know how Shepard does it, continuously fighting battles, one after the other. She must be exhausted._ Samantha's smile faded slightly. She had no idea why the woman would run off after kissing her like that. Shepard was no coward. Hell, she was the one who had initiated it in the first place. What would make her up and leave like that without a word? _At least Elena got her dues though._ Remembering the woman's face as she lay stunned on the floor, Traynor gave a satisfied grin. _Shepard was right,_ she thought to herself then, staring around at the rest of her companions. _There really are benefits to being part of the Normandy crew._

#

"Lieutenant Vega, sober up and gear up, to be ready in half an hour. We're almost at the Horsehead Nebula."

"Yes, Sir! Got any aspirins?"

Shepard reached into her pocket and tossed a tiny white bottle at him. He caught it in one hand and began to dish them out to himself and the rest of the crew. Shepard continued.

"Lieutenant Cortez, make sure the Kodiak's guns are in full working order after that last mission on Tuchanka. We'll be coming in hot. I don't want to be taken by surprise if another Reaper shows up."

"Yes, Ma'am. Right away!"

"EDI, notify Liara of our plans and have her try to hack the Cerberus radars when we get close enough, then meet me in the shuttle bay, armed and ready to try out that new body of yours."

"Yes, Commander," the AI replied, a hand on her hip. "I believe you will be satisfied with the results."

"And if not, it can always help boost Joker's morale," Shepard joked, eyeing her up.

Everyone chuckled and saluted her. James chucked the bottle of aspirins back and walked away with the others, leaving just Samantha standing in the CIC, awaiting her orders. Shepard avoided her, climbing the tiny platform in front of the Galaxy Map. She scanned the Normandy's location and turned back to Samantha, who was rather more aware of her heart beating than she should have been. _Keep it together, girl,_ she thought, taking a deep breath. Commander's face remained impassive, business-like, bearing no resemblance to the warm, teasing, seductress she had been mere hours ago on the Citadel.

"Specialist Traynor, I need a full analysis of the information on that Cerberus Fighter Base you mentioned in passing before we docked on the Citadel."

"Y-yes, Ma'am. How long do I have?"

Samantha quickly brought up the interface at her terminal and began searching for the data that Admiral Hackett had forwarded to her for N7 specific missions.

"I want everything you can get me in twenty minutes," Shepard ordered. "Something's going on down there, and I don't like it. If it truly is a Cerberus base we can hit them hard. Any resource of The Illusive Man's is better off in Alliance hands."

"Right away, Ma'am. Would you like me to forward it to your terminal?"

"Please," Shepard replied, leaning over the Galaxy Map, plotting a course for Joker. "To the one in my private quarters. Keep this separate from priority missions. Give Joker the exact co-ordinates of the base when you get them, and notify me by Omni-tool when it's done. If Admiral Hackett is available on the Vid Comm patch him through the shuttle. I want you to work with EDI when we're down there poking around and analyse anything we find on Noveria, understood?"

"Sir."

"Good."

As Shepard walked away without another word, Traynor glanced over her shoulder at her, wondering how she could change to being so cold in such a short space of time. She was acting like nothing had happened between them. _Maybe she's just focused,_ she thought to herself, _The mission always comes first, and Shepard's one of, if not the best in the Galaxy. She can't let her feelings get in the way...That's if she has any for me I mean._ Still, even as she assessed Shepard's attitudes towards her and knew they made sense, Samantha couldn't help but feel a little deflated since her joy and elation back in Purgatory. At least Elena had gotten her comeuppance at last.

Giving herself a little shake, Traynor pushed the memories away and pulled herself together. _Now's not the time,_ she scolded, finally finding the correct files on her terminal. _Let's just get Shepard back from this mission in one piece. Then we can discuss what happened._

#

"Good work, guys. Vega how's the shoulder?"

James groaned and held up his cup of coffee. "All good, Shepard. Got an ice pack on it. Thanks for getting me outta there in one piece. That Nemesis didn't see you coming."

"Don't mention it," Shepard replied, clinking her mug against his. She smacked him on the back affectionately. "I couldn't have my best Lieutenant KIA, could I?"

There was a collective "Hey!" around the crew's quarters and intercom then at the Commander's words, Samantha among them. Shepard chuckled. "Shit, I forgot how many Lieutenants I have here," she joked, glancing from Cortez to Vega and finally resting her gaze on Traynor. Samantha's face burned. "And Joker, you're a _Flight_ Lieutenant!" Shepard called over the Normandy's intercom. "Totally doesn't count!"

"Aww, I love you too, Commander," came Joker's snarky reply.

Samantha chuckled. She drained the dregs of tea and placed her mug on the counter in the Normandy's kitchen, and caught Shepard staring at her out the corner of her eye. Shepard quickly looked away and threw herself into a conversation with James, and Samantha realised then that the Commander had been purposefully avoiding her as much as possible after what had happened between them at Purgatory. It was a pretty impressive feat, considering they shared the same ship.

The Normandy was on its way back to the Citadel after a successful mission, in order for Shepard to access the Spectre Terminals. Unable to stand the awkwardness, Traynor decided to call it a night.

"I'm absolutely knackered," she yawned. "I think I'll take a quick nap."

"Ugh, I'm with you," Cortez grunted, getting up and stretching. Everyone stared at him in silence. "I didn't mean-Not _together!"_ he blurted out, appalled.

The Normandy kitchen erupted with laughter, seeing both Cortez and Samantha cower with embarrassment.

Lieutenant Vega wolf-whistled, increasing their humiliation. "Get. It. _On!_ "

_Kill me..._

The rowdiness of joking from the rest of the crew followed both Traynor and Cortez into the hallway in front of the Normandy's memorial board. They both bid each other goodnight, and Samantha heard the bed springs creak as Cortez climbed into the bunk above hers and let out a groan of contentment. She bent over, grabbing her things from the small footlocker under her bed. _What the-Where's my bloody toothbrush?_ she sighed, sifting through numerous inhalers, anti-histamines, sleeping tablets, painkillers, tampons and other personal items. Seeing the Cision Pro Mach 4 that cost her 6000 credits loitering around the bottom, Traynor picked it up along with her toothpaste and left the sleeping quarters, taking a right into the girl's bathroom.

After ducking behind a stall and relieving herself in the modest toilet, she pressed the flush button and pulled her clothes up. She walked to the mirror above the sinks. Leaning in close, she traced the dark rings under her eyes with her fingers. _We're looking a bit peaky, aren't we? I guess the stress of military life takes some getting used to._ Exhaling, feeling her lower back ache what with being on her feet all day, Samantha opened the lid of her toothpaste and squeezed a tiny amount the size of pea onto her brush. She flicked the switch on, hearing the tiny Mass Effect fields powering up and began to brush, examining herself in the mirror as she did so.

"Samantha?"

Traynor jumped with fright and turned to the door. "Howy cwap, Cowander!" she mumbled, her mouth full of toothpaste and spit. _Jesus! I think I soiled my drawers!_

Commander Shepard chuckled. "Sorry? I didn't catch that.”

Traynor turned to the sink and spat, quickly turning the tap on to wash it away. Feeling herself blush, she bent down, slurping up a mouthful of the cold water and swishing it around her mouth, spitting it down the sink and spinning around to face Shepard.

"Commander,” Samantha greeted her, resting her hands behind her back, standing to attention.

Shepard locked the door bathroom door. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” She smiled, taking a few steps across the floor, and paused, inches away, staring deep into Samantha's eyes. Traynor's breath caught. _What is she doing?_ Shepard reached up and traced the corner of Samantha’s bottom lip with her finger. "You missed a spot," she teased, flicking the lump of toothpaste into the sink.

 _What!?_ Mortified, Samantha quickly turned her back on her, noticing in her reflection the white ring of minty freshness slathered  around her mouth. Caught off guard by Commander Shepard's sudden presence, she realised she had forgotten to wipe it off. _Crap! Why do I always have to look like such an idiot around her?_

"Just a second," she gushed, grabbing the nearest towel and brushing it away. Shepard grinned, amused. Finally Samantha turned back. "Apologies, Ma'am. W-was there something I could help you with?"

At this, Shepard faltered. She ruffled her red hair and strolled over to the mirror, checking out her scarred reflection, as though trying to distract herself. "I- How are you?" she asked awkwardly

"Oh! I...Fine," Samantha replied, taken aback by the vagueness of the question.

"Did, er, you and Elena make up then?" Shepard asked in an off-handed way, examining her newest glowing orange cut. She ran her fingers over the jagged skin, and hissed at the obvious sting it gave her. Samantha giggled at her question. Shepard turned around, feigning innocence, her eyes playful and warm. "What’s so funny?"

Samantha tilted her head. "Is there something you wish to tell me?" she teased.

An impish grin took effect on the corner of Shepard's mouth. "Nope," she replied unconvincingly, sliding her hands into her pockets, looking shifty. “Nothing.”

Samantha sniggered. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and took a few steps towards Shepard. Hesitatingly, she took the woman's right hand out of its hiding place. The Commander's knuckles were slightly swollen and bruised, as though having punched someone in the face.

"Uh-huh." Traynor nodded, presenting the Commander's own injury to her as evidence. She traced Shepard's hand with her fingers, feeling the softness of her skin, unwilling to let it go now that it was resting in hers. Shepard chuckled.

"That happened on the last mission, Traynor," she informed her, watching Samantha examine it closely. Traynor looked up.

"What?"

Shepard laughed. "I punched a Centurion back on Noveria. The bastard almost took my head off. I couldn't reload on time. EDI got him for me in the end. That bot-body of hers certainly came in useful."

Samantha frowned. "Then, if you didn't- What the hell happened to Elena's face?"

The Commander snorted. "Oh, that!" Her eyes twinkled. "I may have... uhm... caught her a bit with my elbow stretching out a kink in my arm. No harm done!"

Traynor fell into a fit of giggles. "No harm done? I think you broke her nose. I opened my eyes and she was on the ground, clawing at my feet."

Shepard cringed. "Was it too much? Should I not have?"

Traynor sniggered. "It was actually brilliant. Thank you."

At this Shepard smiled. "You're very welcome."

"She was alright," Samantha continued. "She accused _me_ of hitting her, since you... disappeared." Hearing the accusation in her own tone of voice, Samantha silently berated herself, knowing Shepard would have heard it too.

The Commander squeezed her hand, giving her an apologetic look. "Look, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. About the kiss and… everything.”

“Have you?” Samantha asked timidly. “Because I rather got the feeling that you were trying to avoid me all this time.”

Shepard exhaled. “Haven’t you been doing the same?”

Samantha didn’t respond. _She’s got me there._ She watched Shepard pace the bathroom floor. Shepard finally turned to look at her again.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you like that,” she said. “I’m sorry. You’d had a rough night and… it was unfair of me.”

At her words, Samantha felt her chest tighten. "You mean you were only doing it for Elena's benefit?" she asked, finding it difficult to swallow all of a sudden.

"No," Shepard admitted, averting her gaze. "I mean, yes, but I also wanted to! A lot. But it was wrong of me. I can't do that to you."

Realising where she was going with this, Traynor didn’t want to let her get there. Feeling rather brave, she walked up behind her and placed a hand on Shepard's waist, caressing it gently. Upon her touch, Shepard spun around. Breathless, she took Samantha’s face in her hand, staring into her eyes. A moment of silence passed between them, sweet, entrancing silence, with only the faint hum of the Normand's Mass Effect fields. Their faces gradually moved closer together. The Commander's warm breath tickled Samantha's face, inviting her in, torturing her with longing. She took a fleeting glance down at the Shepard’s lips and before she knew it, she was being pressed back and against the bathroom door.

The kiss was so intense that Samantha felt off balance, drawing breath from Shepard as though she was the only thing in the universe. She felt her head go light, heard a soft moan of yearning that was her own escape her. _Christ..._ Just as Commander Shepard's hands ran down along her curves, sending every nerve in her body wild, Samantha felt her pull away.

"What's wrong?" she whispered. She traced Shepard's face as the Commander rested her forehead against hers. Shepard flinched, as though tempted to lean in for another kiss. Begrudgingly, she let Traynor go, refraining from taking her initial actions any further. Her hands dropped from Samantha's body and she brought one to her temple, massaging her head.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said again.

Samantha struggled to get her breath back. "For what?" she breathed, following after the Commander as she tried to put some distance between them again.

"This isn't a good idea," Shepard said, shaking her head. "I've gone down this route before and it never ends well."

Knowing she was talking about Liara and Kaidan, Samantha sighed. "It doesn't have to be that way for us," she said softly. "I... “ Her heart ached. “I can't stop thinking about you, Shepard."

Traynor could almost hear Shepard's regrets, seeing them flash across her face. "I hurt everyone who gets close to me, Samantha. I care about you a lot, more than Commander and Lieutenant. But I can't give you what you seek."

"How do you know what I seek?" Traynor countered, trying to get close to her. "Excuse me, but, weren't you the one to follow me to the bathroom, Ma'am?"

"I didn't mean to kiss you again. That was...a mistake. I came here to see if you were alright after Elena. And to tell you that I think we should forget this ever happened."

Samantha's stomach dropped. "What?" she gasped. "I can't do that."

"We have to," Shepard pressed, staring into her eyes, trying to hide the desire in her own. "I need to stay away from you. You'll only get hurt in the end."

"In the end?" Samantha repeated. Her heart sank. "You mean the final battle with the Reapers, don’t you?”

Shepard didn't reply. She released Samantha's hands and turned away, leaning over the sink and examining her bedraggled appearance again. Her pretty face was getting more and more strained as this war dragged on. Yet in Traynor's eyes, it was just getting more beautiful. She was firmly under the woman's spell, a warmth burning inside her every time they were close, and she didn't think it was ever going to dim, despite the fact that Shepard was trying desperately to push her away.

"The galaxy needs me," Shepard admitted, her voice hoarse and reluctant. "Everyone has placed their hopes in me to win this war."

"And what about what _you_ need, Commander?" Samantha countered. The emptiness behind those green eyes of hers was tragic. Samantha didn't believe for a second that Shepard wanted to be alone. It was as though she was caught in two minds, wanting to do right by the Alliance yet wanting to do right by herself. But her own personal desires always seemed to come last. "Wasn't it you who told me, 'you don't have to live forever, you just have to live'?"

Shepard closed her eyes. "I did. But that doesn't apply to me. I’m dead either way."

"Don't say that!” Samantha gushed, closing in on her again. “Don’t push me away because you're afraid of hurting me.” She felt her eyes fill with tears. "I'm a big girl, Commander. With all due respect, that’s not your decision to make.”

A tense silence passed between them. She placed a hand on Shepard's back, feeling how much strain she was under. Shepard brushed her off without looking at her again. She walked to the door, unlocking it.

"Shepard?"

The Commander stopped in the open doorway and glanced back over her shoulder. Her eyes met Samantha's. "Get some sleep, Specialist Traynor. You did well today. We'll be at the Citadel in a few hours."

With that, she left, saying no more. The door closed behind her with a faint _swoosh_ , leaving Samantha standing in the middle of the restroom, crestfallen, dejected and very much alone. But clearly not as alone as her Commander.


	8. Chapter 8

The Citadel was in flames.

Riots broke out in the streets of the Presidium as Cerberus troops dropped in from every angle, killing all who crossed their path. Not a minute had passed without explosions erupting, shaking the foundations of the Citadel, sending every race to their deaths. The population ran in terror, screaming, trying to find some kind of cover as The Illusive Man's army of genetically modified soldiers staged their well-planned coup.

Samantha couldn't believe what she was seeing. _How can this be happening?_ She frantically flicked through the bits of incoming Intel she was getting on the nearest terminal, simultaneously watching the live scenes of mayhem unfold on the overhead screens, as Joker guided the Normandy past the Presidium. Commander Shepard's voice echoed over the ship’s intercom, accompanied by Commander Bailey issuing orders from his regained command post inside C-Sec Headquarters.

"Liara, watch your back!" Shepard shrieked.

There was a cynical _swoop!_ and the line went dead, as a biotic field interrupted the connection. Liara's breathless voice replied. "Thank you, Shepard. I will look after Thane. His injuries look bad. Get to the elevator with Garrus, and see if you can stop them before they reach the Council."

"Negative. Bailey's on his way! Come find me," Shepard replied, gunshots crackling in her audio feed. "I'll send the shuttle in to pick up others and get Thane to Huerta Memorial ASAP."

Doctor Chakwas pressed the button beside Traynor to link in with their comms. “How is he looking, Liara?”

“He is conscious for now, but only just. He needs medical attention soon!” Liara replied. “Shepard, did you recognise the attacker?”

"Negative!" Shepard sounded like she was running now. "Was a stab wound. Apart from that I can't tell. Was some fucking samurai bastard I've never seen before."

"Acknowledged,” Chakwas interjected. “Let me know when the coast is clear and I'll do what I can for him."

"Roger that, Doc."

The comm line went dead as Shepard, Garrus and Liara continued the fight. Traynor sat down in the chair behind Joker, clutching her chest. She reached into her pocket and withdrew her inhaler, taking a quick puff. _This is all too much._ Thinking about the conversation Shepard had had with the Salarian councillor a few hours previous, she couldn’t quite believe what was unfolding, and neither could the rest of the crew. _Councillor Udina turned traitor? Why would he do such a thing?_

"Everyone into their safety harnesses!" Joker ordered, as he began pulling the Normandy through some fancy manoeuvres. "This is going to get bumpy."

Doctor Chakwas touched Traynor on the shoulder, taking her away from her work. They rushed with the rest of the crew back towards their allocated seats, strapping themselves in. Feeling the Normandy swerve in and out, left to right, dodging Cerberus gunships, Samantha closed her eyes, succumbing to a dizzying trip. As her adrenaline rushed, she couldn't help but admire Joker's piloting skills. She held onto the harness for dear life, feeling the vibration of the Normandy's powerful engine propel the ship through the sky, shooting down any enemies who got in its way.

After half an hour or so, Joker gave word that the coast was clear for the time being. Nearby terminals were beeping violently all around them, calling for attention. Samantha and the crew ran to them immediately. She gave Joker his requested status update.

"All systems go. Mass Effect field is still online," Traynor informed him over the intercom. "Slight damage to the starboard side. Engineer Adams, how are things on your end?"

"We took some heavy fire down here but the Normandy's drive core is holding up. It'll take more than that to bring _this_ ship down. I have Daniels and Donnelly overseeing any abnormalities," Adams stated.

"Roger that. EDI, how are you doing?" Samantha continued, overseeing the state of the retrofits she had made back on Earth. They all seemed to be intact.

"Cerberus is attempting to send a spike into my programming," came the smooth, silky voice of the Normandy's AI. "I have rerouted."

"Good girl," Samantha approved. "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Acknowledged. Thank you, Specialist Traynor."

The elevator doors behind Samantha pinged open, and Lieutenant Vega strolled out. He was covered in oil and sweat, having just been calibrating the Normandy's guns with Garrus busy on the ground. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, and walked to Traynor, placing a hand on her back and observing her terminal over her shoulder.

"How you holding up, _chica_?" he asked, as her fingers worked tirelessly across the terminal.

"Fine," she replied, breathlessly, not looking up. "Just rewriting a few of the Normandy's corrupted algorithms to harness the ship's power cells. I'm using the Quantum error correction to protect our information from faults, due to decoherence and other quantum noise."

"Uhm, ok," he replied, having obviously not understood a word she just said. "Good work… I think. Shepard and the others have almost reached the Councillors. They’re riding alongside their elevator. Udina's still with them. I can't wait to see what the Commander does to his sorry ass when she catches up to him. He’s had it coming for far too long."

"Are they getting help from someone?" Samantha ventured. “The Councillors are no more than diplomats, and the entire Citadel is on lock-down. There’s no way they could have made it this far unaided.”

"Don't know," James grunted, watching her work. "I imagine so. They wouldn't have escaped Cerberus otherwise. Dead bodies everywhere down there. It's a massacre."

"What about the Salarian Dalatrass?"

"Alive, thanks to that Drell assassin. He's one badass mother! Hope he's alright."

"Me too," Sam replied, her mind flashing back to the Drell's stabbing. _And he was already sick beforehand. That couldn't have done him any bloody good._

Their conversation was interrupted by Joker cursing loudly over the intercom. Confused, Traynor and Vega glanced worriedly at each other, and sprinted to the front of the ship along with Doctor Chakwas.

Joker was trying to get a hold of the Commander, but incoming comms on the ground seemed to be down. The Normandy could still hear their outgoing communications however. The others crowded around the monitors to his left, unable to believe their eyes. Shepard, Liara and Garrus were standing with their guns, pointed at someone. Samantha's strained her eyes, trying to make out the flickering image.

"Is that-?"

"Kaidan!" Dr Chakwas finished for her, covering her mouth in her hand. "Oh my God!"

"Ah, hell no!" Vega exclaimed. “This can NOT be happening."

"I'll try to patch us in," Samantha said, taking control on the monitor interface with trembling hands. She tapped into Shepard's Omni-tool with a crack code. "The explosions have dropped the comm line. Cerberus has overwritten the commands. EDI, can you get around the encryption?"

"One moment... Done."

"That was quick," James said approvingly, raising an eyebrow at the sexy robot in the co-pilot's chair. EDI turned and threw him a wink.

The crew listened closely, trying to make out the static conversation down below. _Christ, it's a real Mexican standoff!_ Samantha’s heart was thumping so wildly she was surprised the other couldn’t hear it. It was a few seconds before they recognised Commander Shepard's voice.

"...not the one I want, Kaidan. It's the man behind you."

"What are you talking about?" Kaidan replied, his weapon drawn on her. "Put the gun away, Shepard!"

"Would I do this if I weren't dead certain?" Shepard snapped. The Normandy crew watched her on the ship's monitors, seeing her lower her weapon an inch even so. She took a few steps towards the other Spectre, who seemed to be trying to protect the Council members from her. "You know me, Kaidan."

"I know you act rashly," Kaidan replied, still keeping his gun high. "I know you'll go through anyone who gets in your way, damned with the consequences."

"Then get _out_ of my way," Shepard ordered. "Udina is behind this attack. The Salarian councillor confirmed it. If you open the elevator behind me, Cerberus troops will kill us all."

"What Shepard says is possible," the Asari Councillor interrupted. "Unlikely, but possible."

"How do I know you're not still with them?" Kaidan asked bitterly, staring Shepard dead in the eyes.

"Haven't we already had this discussion?" Shepard asked.

Samantha grasped the back of Vega's chair, her palms sweating on the leather. _Surely they can't kill each other, can they?_ Samantha could hear the frustration in Shepard’s voice, and wasn’t oblivious to the hurt behind Kaidan’s.

"We don't have time to debate this," Udina said, walking towards the console in front of a flaming shuttle to open the doors. "We're dead if we stay here. I'm overriding the locks."

Shepard raised her gun fully again, and Kaidan stepped to the side, shielding the Udina from fire. "Shepard, look at us," he said, staring down the barrel of her gun, and she at his. "This can't end well. Just… put it down."

"You know I can't do that," Shepard replied through gritted teeth. "Damn it, Kaidan. I don't want to kill you. We've been through a lot. Are you really going to stay this bitter forever? Are you really going to side with this _snake_ over _me_?"

"I didn't turn my back on you, Shepard. It was the other way around."

"Kaidan—"

"No, Liara," Kaidan interrupted, before the Asari could intervene. "This isn't about you. This is between me and Shepard. You got in the way of that before, so don’t test me now."

"I didn't betray you," Shepard told him, desperation in her voice. "I may not have been in love with you, but you're still my friend… or at least you were. This doesn't look very friendly from where I'm standing though."

"You're right," Kaidan replied sadly. "I'm sorry, Shepard. Udina… Override the locks."

"No!" Joker shouted, knowing what was coming.

Samantha heard the others around her gasp. Commander Shepard squeezed the trigger on her pistol, catching her former comrade in the chest. The bullet resounded in the comms, and pierced his blue Spectre armour. She then shot Councillor Udina before he could open the elevator doors.

It was a while before anyone moved. The two gunshots rang in the air, stunning everyone into silence. Smoke soared from Shepard's barrel. Her face was plastered over all of the Normandy’s monitors, and Samantha watched her emotionless eyes stare at a former flame’s corpse. Seeing the situation had been diffused for the time being, it seemed to register with the Commander what she had done. She ran towards Kaidan and fell to her knees beside him.

"Kaidan!" She held his head on her lap, staring down at the wound she had made. "Why...? Why wouldn't you just stand down?"

Kaidan coughed, spluttering blood. "Man… c-couldn't defend himself." He said, laughing as best he could.

Shepard let out a small laugh herself. "You always were the noble one," she joked half-heartedly, running a hand through his hair.

Kaidan stared up at her. “Some war, huh?”

“Some war.”

Silence fell over them.

"Shepard, I…” Kaidan coughed again, clinging onto life as long as he could to get something off his chest. “I… love…” Before he could finish, he gave one last breath. His eyes glazed over, and he fell limp.

"No!" Shepard shook him roughly. "No! Get up, Major! Get on your feet!" She rested her head on his body then, seeing he was gone. The others heard her sniff over the comm line. She clutched at the front of his blood-stained armour. "It's been an honour, Kaidan. Fuck… How the hell did it end like this?"

Liara squeezed her shoulder. Commander Shepard roused at her touch, pulling herself together. She got to her feet, wiping her face on the back of her hand and drawing her gun again as the elevator door began to spark. Someone was trying to get through. _It never ends,_ Samantha rued.

The door opened, and Commander Bailey and the rest of C-Sec arrived instead. Everyone relaxed. They had regained control of the Citadel. Traynor watched Shepard’s gun fall before she buried her face in Liara’s welcoming embrace. Liara kissed her head, supporting her as the others worked around them.

Back on the Normandy, everyone zoned out of the conversations on the ground. Joker let EDI take control of the Normandy to collect the crew on the ground. He turned away from the monitors showing Kaidan's lifeless form next to that of Udina’s. Samantha watched Vega lean back in his chair, hands on head, unable to comprehend what had just happened. She crumbled as the comprehension of what had occurred set in. She replayed Commander Shepard's final words to her former lover after gunning him down.

_Now I understand what Shepard meant by not wanting to get involved with another member of her crew. But that doesn't prevent me from still having feelings for her. Christ, I just can't turn it off!_

Her heart tore in two. She imagined her own dead body on the screens instead. Hearing Dr Chakwas' sobs beside her, listening to Joker berate himself over and over wondering if there was anything he could have done, Traynor realised she couldn’t take it. She walked out of the cockpit, still picturing Kaidan’s lifeless form. She’d only met him in passing, but something about his demise had struck a chord with her. She was desperate to get back to her work on Quantum Mechanics. Anything to get what had just happened out of her head.

#

" _Where is she?"_

" ** _In her cabin. She asked not to be disturbed. Thane did not make it either."_**

" _Is there anything you can do?"_

" ** _I’m afraid not. She won't even let me inside. I am worried."_**

" _She's tough, she'll get through it. Have her report to me when she's able. Keep in contact."_

" ** _Yes, Admiral. Stay safe."_**

_“You too. Hackett out.”_

*Connection Terminated*

A few hours later, Samantha watched the words fly across her terminal, as the Vid-comm's scribe tracked and databased the live conversation between Dr T'Soni and Admiral Hackett. After the events on the Citadel, Commander Shepard had returned to the Normandy, coming straight from Huerta Memorial after visiting Thane. She was still covered in blood when she entered the CIC, her face whiter and more cracked than usual. After issuing directions to Joker, she had taken the elevator to her quarters and not returned.

Feeling the weight of this war rest on her shoulders for the first time, Samantha signed out of her private emails. She couldn’t work anymore. She closed the open link to the Normandy's Vid-comm and took the elevator down to the crew deck, thinking about Shepard and Kaidan. _She killed him. She actually killed him._ A part of her didn't think that either of them would have pulled the trigger, but it was obvious who was going to come off worse if they did open fire. _Poor Kaidan,_ Samantha thought to herself, _Those Cerberus bastards actually managed to turn him against his Commander._

Feeling like she needed a stiff drink, Traynor passed Garrus who was placing a plaque reading ‘ _Kaidan Alenko’_ on the Normandy's memorial wall. She walked into the Port Observation lounge. As the door sprung open, she jumped in surprise.

"Oh!" Samantha paused in the doorway. Commander Shepard was sitting on the back of the chair by the window, nursing a glass of whiskey as she stared out at the stars. "My apologies, Ma'am. I was just getting… I'll… leave you to it."

"Traynor," Commander Shepard gave her a warm smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. "It's alright. Come on in.”

Feeling awkward, and noticing with surprise the Commander Shepard sounded sober, Traynor walked over to the bar in the corner and fixed herself a quick drink. She turned back, seeing Shepard stare out into the depths of space once more. Samantha closed the distance between them and sat down, very aware of Shepard hovering above her. There was a brief moment of silence, before Samantha finally plucked up the courage to speak.

"Are you alright, Ma'am? Things got quite intense back there.”

It was a few seconds before the Commander acknowledged her question. For a second, Samantha didn't think she'd heard. She looked distracted. Finally Shepard pulled herself together. She turned to look at her. "I don't know _what_ I am right now.”

She slid off the back of the chair, swivelling to sit in it properly, crossing one leg over the other. Shepard made to take a sip of whiskey, but held back. Instead, she began examining the burn marks snaking up her wrist; a result of the Batarian slaver's attack when she was little. Samantha glanced down at the whiskey in the Commander's glass. It looked untouched.

"You're not drinking?" she ventured, looking for something to divert her with. _Not to mention that I'm genuinely curious. Normally she can't wait to knock a few back._

Shepard breathed a laugh, and held the glass up again, swirling the golden liquid around. "Nah... Poured this hours ago. I haven't even taken a sip. I… Truth be told, I’m afraid to start." She stared at it longingly nonetheless. "If I do, I don't think I'll be able to stop. And this war still needs me at my best."

"I suppose you're right," Samantha replied with a rueful smile. Shepard was having to make so many sacrifices for the good of this fight. Not being able to drown her sorrows after losing two of her comrades in one day must have been killing her. Instead the Normandy was on its way to meet with the Quarians. Another mission was taking priority as the Commander buried her feelings deep, unable to find the time to deal with them.

 _I don't know how she does it,_ Samantha thought to herself, taking a sip of her Apple Martini. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and stared at the Commander in awe.

"What are you looking at?" Shepard asked softly, wearing a little grin.

Samantha smiled back. "Nothing. I was just… thinking about how amazing you are."

At her words, Shepard managed to chuckle. "Amazing isn't the word I'd use right now, Traynor.” A muscle in her jaw twitched.

"Well then, it's a good thing I'm here, isn't it?" Samantha teased playfully. Her distractions seemed to be working. Commander Shepard smiled, looking a bit more like her normal self. Her face was still heavy with grief though.

"It is.” She reached over and took Samantha's hand in hers. Confused, Samantha watched the Commander stare down at it, gently tracing the outline of a small bruise on her knuckles with her thumb.

"How'd you get this?" Shepard asked interestedly.

Traynor snorted, remembering. "Vega," she revealed, rolling her eyes. "He and I were playing a game of slapsies yesterday. You know, he doesn't even go easy on me. I thought I'd broken something!"

"I'm glad you two are getting along well. He's a good man, and an excellent soldier."

"You're an excellent soldier too, Ma'am," Traynor replied before she could stop herself.

Shepard chuckled. "Are you trying to flatter me, Samantha? I don't blush easily, you know."

"Then I'll just have to do a bit better, won't I?" Samantha said. She and Shepard's fingers intertwined playfully.

"I can't wait to see you try," Shepard tempted her.

"You won't," Samantha continued smoothly. "Shut your eyes." Shepard gave her a reluctant look. "Do it!"

Finally, the Commander did as she was told. Traynor took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to do. She rested her Martini glass on the windowsill and moved up the chair, closer to her. She placed her free hand on the Commanders heavily scarred face, and Shepard's mouth curled into a smile at her touch. Traynor caressed her skin, carefully as though trying not to irritate the numerous glowing wounds it sported.

"This isn't going to work, Specialist," Shepard muttered, eyes still closed. Samantha laughed quietly.

"Then maybe this will.”

With mouth-watering with anticipation, Samantha leaned in. She inhaled Shepard’s gorgeous scent, before covering the Commander’s full red lips with her own. Shepard responded instantly, replying with a gentle kiss that seemed to make the ship tilt on its head. Samantha released a faint moan of longing as their tongue’s tickled, unable to stop herself. She felt the Commander suck along her bottom lip, teasing her, assuming control. Shepard’s hands slid up the nape of her neck, fingers sliding between strands of hair. Every touch was patient, tender, as though neither of them wanted to cross any sort of line. Yet it was clear to Samantha she wasn’t the only one who wanted more.

After a minute or so, their lips parted, both out of breath from the unexpected passion that had erupted between them. Their faces remained together, with neither wanting to pull away. It was as though they could no longer fight against the desire to be close to one another. Samantha stole another slow, lingering kiss from the woman's lips then straightened up. She stared deep into Shepard's grief-laden eyes, captivated by their deathly beauty. She was enthralled by the glimmering colour of emerald that sparkled in the starlight like a fresh sheen of morning dew, drowning in emotions that the Commander could hide no longer.

"Your eyes are gorgeous," Samantha whispered, running her fingers through Shepard's red hair affectionately.

The Commander grinned, cowering a little. "That's it, you've made me blush!" She dropped her gaze, keeping her secrets safe. Sure enough, her pale cheeks flushed with delicate crimson. Samantha giggled.

 _So the infamous, badass has a girly interior after all._ She traced Shepard’s face, prompting her to look at her again. _I never want to miss another glimpse of this side of her._ Shepard gave her a sweet smile, playing with the strands of hair at the nape of Samantha's neck.

"Something on your mind?" Traynor asked, seeing she was lost in thought.

Shepard didn't speak for several seconds, still fiddling with Samantha's hair absentmindedly. She retracted her hand then and slid it down along Traynor's throat, then her arm and finally took her hand in hers. She examined the bruise from Vega once more.

"If I asked you to forget about that kiss again, could you?" she enquired, not meeting Samantha's eyes.

Traynor sighed. _Somehow I knew this was coming._ She tilted the Commander's head up, cradling her face with one hand, staring deep into the depths of her agony.

"Not a chance," she whispered, with a loving trace of Shepard’s cheek.

Shepard made a face, as though contemplating her next move. "Good,” she whispered. “Because I’ve lost enough today. And I don't think I can ignore how I feel about you any longer."

Without another word, she leaned her weight forwards, backing Samantha down onto the leather sofa. Straddling her, Shepard claimed Traynor’s lips for her own, thrusting her hips against hers. Traynor closed her eyes, feeling Shepard's mouth explore under her shirt collar along her clavicle, leaving a wet trail of kisses in its wake. The sensation it awakened within her confirmed any lingering doubts over her feelings. Samantha knew there was no going back for either of them now.


	9. Chapter 9

"Wait," Shepard broke form their intimate kiss and sighed, lying face down on Traynor's chest.

Samantha brushed her fingers through the Commander's hair, staring up at the ceiling as she held her close. Shepard seemed to have lost her nerve. Hearing her heavy breathing, Samantha glanced down at her.

"I… I've been all over the place recently," Shepard continued. "Hot one minute, then cold the next. I'm doing it again, aren’t I? It isn't fair on you."

Samantha kissed the top of her head. "You don't have to apologise," she said softly, even though certain parts of her body were screaming out to be touched. "I know how much pressure you've been under lately. God, it was only a few days ago that you took down a bloody Reaper. And after what happened today with Kaidan and Thane…"

"It's still no excuse," Shepard pressed on. "I've... actually been trying to avoid you these past few days, believe it or not."

As Samantha stared up at the ceiling, she was immediately glad that Shepard wasn't looking at her. "I noticed," she admitted, giving a nervous laugh, trying not to let her know that it had hurt somewhat.

She felt Shepard's hand consoling her. "It's just the moment we met, Samantha, I felt myself fall for you and it..." Shepard breathed sigh of embarrassment. "It scared me, I suppose. I was wary. I didn't think I could go down this road again, not with the Reapers and... everything."

Samantha was stunned. _The mighty Commander Shepard was frightened of something? Frightened of me?_ "Why were you afraid?" she whispered, tightening her arm around her, feeling the slender curves of the woman's chiselled body melt into hers. "I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to, Shepard."

She felt Shepard's sigh tickle her neck. "I know. And I _do_ want to, but... you saw what happened with Kaidan back there. I could _never_ do that again, especially not to you. You've been the one bright light through all this madness, reminding me how to laugh amidst the chaos and... I've been brushing you off, trying to avoid telling you how I really feel."

The image of Major Alenko being gunned down by his former friend and Commander wasn't something Samantha would likely forget in a hurry. She felt Shepard tense up at the mention of him. Clearly she wouldn't forget it either.

"You did what you had to do," Traynor said, soothingly stroking Shepard's bicep. "Kaidan made his choice. I'm sure he understood. We all did."

Shepard snorted as though she disagreed. "Kaidan and I served together for years," she said hoarsely, her voice heavy with emotion. "Captain Anderson hand-picked us for the first Normandy crew. I was a bit of a rebel in those days. Well, more so than I am now. But Kaidan was just so... _nice_. And good and... I really couldn't have asked for a better friend. I just wish I hadn't complicated things by sleeping with him. He deserved better."

Samantha squeezed her tightly, knowing how hard this must be for her. She was beginning to understand the Commander's logic of keeping her at arm's length.

"So that's why you didn't make a move sooner," Samantha realised, remembering back to the Presidium when Commander Shepard had first shown any real sign of affection towards her. Yet even then, she had held back (through no fault of Liara, though her interruption hadn't exactly helped matters). Just like this moment, that too was when Shepard was coming down from a combat high. Her outer exterior cracked on occasion due to immense pressure of her job, and a glimpse her real feelings shone through. Each battle must have made her feel like she was losing herself along the way, causing her to search for comfort in someone's arms. Yet she seemed reluctant to fall into Samantha's so soon.

“I have a habit of hurting those closest to me, and I really enjoy your company, Traynor."

"I really enjoy yours to, Ma’am," she replied, feeling Shepard's warmth spread to every inch of her body. "You didn't treat me any different from the rest of the crew, even though I only ended up here by chance. But when something was bothering me, you knew and took me to the side, reassuring me as best you could. Thank you for that."

"You're welcome," Shepard replied, a hint of a smile on her tone of voice. "I couldn't have my Comm Specialist thinking I was some kind of sadistic monster now, could I?"

"No, you couldn't," Samantha giggled. "And you're not, Shepard. It's time to let someone to be there for _you_ for a change. What happened on the Citadel with the Batarian was... feral, and you were clearly agitated. Yet there you were, comforting me rather than the other way around. That doesn’t sound like a monster to me."

"Well, I wasn't just going to leave you standing there beside a big old pile of alien goo. What would the press have said?" Shepard teased, lifting her head finally and resting her weight on her arm. She stared at Traynor, who was still wedged beneath her. Samantha giggled, rubbing her hand up the Commander's back under her vest, feeling the roughness of her heavily scarred skin.

"You _have_ been getting some rather bad coverage recently," she joked, tracing the Commander's bottom lip with her thumb, feeling it curl into a smile.

"Maybe I should ask Allers to do another piece on me," Shepard chuckled. "I can already see the headline: Commander Shepard shoots former lover in cold-blood, and finds a new one all in the same day."

_Still trying to joke even though it hurts. God, she's relentless._ Samantha sighed. "Hopefully more than just a lover. I play for keeps."

At this, Commander Shepard sighed and straightened up. Feeling her body pull away, Traynor reluctantly followed, sitting up beside her. She watched Shepard run a hand through her red hair. It seemed to be a favourite action of hers when she was stressed.

"I'd like that," Shepard said finally, though her face became lined with grief again. "But I'd like to wait." She looked over at Samantha, who had placed a comforting hand on her thigh, and threw her an affectionate smile. "Kaidan and Thane's deaths are still too fresh in my mind. I don't want to throw myself into this because I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. I almost succumbed to it there, but… I want to do it right for once."

"I understand," Samantha whispered. "I'm not going anywhere. Take as long as you like. Though preferably before the Reapers show up on our doorstep. I'd never forgive you if we died without at least giving 'us' a shot."

Shepard breathed a sigh of laughter, but it didn’t last long. "Those fucking bastards are the only thing in my future that's certain," she lamented, taking Samantha's hand in hers, holding it tightly as though grasping at a lifeline. "Them, and death."

"Hey!" Sam gasped, moving in closer and taking her face in her hands. "Don't think like that. You'll find a way to win this, you always do."

Shepard took Samantha's breath away once more with another soft, sensual kiss before getting to her feet. "Come on. You should get some sleep, Specialist. We need you at your best once we reach the Quarians. They love their Phantom entanglement and shit."

Samantha burst out laughing. " _Quantum_ entanglement," she corrected.

Shepard threw her a mischievous grin. "That's what I said.”

Traynor allowed Shepard to help her up. "I think you should get some sleep too, Ma’am. You're talking yourself in circles."

"I'll... try," Shepard replied weakly. She bent down, lifting up the now empty glass of whiskey that had spilt over the floor during their frolicking, and placed it on the nearest table. She took Samantha's hand, leading her out of the Observation lounge. Samantha waited with her by the elevator. She watched the Commander glance at the memorial wall, seeing Kaidan's name alongside all the others who had already given their lives for the cause. She tightened her fingers around Shepard’s hand reassuringly.

"Are you going to be alright?" Samantha asked, seeing her again rue the decision she had been force to make, putting down a friend and former ally for the sake of this wretched war. Shepard's green eyes were swimming in tears, but they didn't fall.

_Of course not. She's much too strong for that._

"No," Shepard admitted truthfully, staring at the plaque. "This is one thing I'm sure I'll never get over."

The elevator came to a halt on the crew deck, and the doors slid open. Both Shepard and Samantha turned to look at it, then found each other's eyes, neither of them wanting to part so soon. It had been such a nice evening, despite the craziness of the day. _Something worth bloody cherishing in these dire times._

"Good night, Commander," Traynor said softly.

Commander Shepard kissed her again, clearly unable to resist. It was like her body couldn't keep up with the pace her mind was trying to set. Samantha stood on her tip toes, leaning into it, as Shepard's arms slipped around her waist, drawing her close.

"Goodnight," the Commander whispered, when their lips finally parted. She brushed a strand of hair from Samantha's face, staring deep into her eyes. "I'll see you in a few hours. Thanks for this evening. I… really needed someone to talk to."

"Of course, Ma'am. Anytime."

She released Shepard’s hand reluctantly, letting her enter the elevator to her cabin. Shepard threw her a little wink and a smile as the doors closed. It was several seconds before Samantha came back to her senses, and realised she was standing alone, staring at nothing.

_Good Lord, that was unexpected. And wonderful._

She touched her cheeks, feeling how flushed they were. She could still taste the Commander on her lips, still feel herself quiver at her touch. She glimpsed the time on her Omni-Tool. They had been lying on the sofa a half hour. It was incredible that none of the crew had walked in on them. For that, Samantha was thankful. She spun around, her heart full of contentment and began the short walk to the crew's quarters, feeling suddenly knackered. Cortez' bunk above hers was empty.

_He must still be working on the Kodiak's repairs. If there's one person who works almost as hard as the Commander, it's definitely Steve._

Taking off her outer military regs, and kicking her boots under the bed, Samantha peeled back the covers and climbed in. She pulled them up around her, listening to the gentle hum of the Normandy's engines. Today had been a rollercoaster of a day. Two close deaths, taking the numbers of the Normandy crew down a little more, and a final confession of attraction from Commander Shepard after months of flirting and embarrassing herself. Samantha smiled into her pillow, hugging her blanket close and closing her eyes. She let pleasant thoughts of the Commander lull her into a much-needed slumber.

#

**Two Weeks Later**

"Commander, the Admirals of the Migrant Fleet are requesting permission to come aboard," Joker called out over the intercom.

"Grant them access, Joker," Shepard replied. "Have them meet me in the war room."

"Roger that, Ma'am."

Shepard finished her business at the Galaxy Map. She stepped down from the podium, as Samantha worked quietly beside her, caught up in a rather difficult aspect of her work. Feeling a hand on her arm, Traynor smiled in surprise, a familiar scent wafting over her.

"Hey, are you free later?" Shepard asked in passing, before leaving for her meeting.

Samantha considered the question. "Well, I _was_ going to go to bed early. You know, have a warm shower, put my feet up, relax. That sort of thing.”

"Fuck that," Shepard stated bluntly. "How about a date instead? My cabin. I'll even let you use _my_ shower, if you're lucky."

Samantha chuckled. "Well, in that case, I guess I'm free. The faucets in the woman's bathroom are crap by the way. Should I... bring anything along?"

Shepard grinned. "Just yourself would be great. That chessboard you bought on the Citadel might be a good bet too actually. Either that, or we'll be left looking at my dead fish display, or playing with that husk head Vega made me steal from Bryson's office."

They both laughed. Samantha didn't think she could deny Shepard even if she had wanted to. "Sounds good. The chess part I mean."

"Great, it's a date," the Commander replied happily. "Sorry, I gotta go but... I'll call you later if I can manage to get away for a few hours."

"I can't wait."

Shepard threw Samantha a wink. She strolled off, entering the security scans and heading towards the War Room before the Migrant Fleet representatives arrived.

Abuzz with excitement, Samantha turned back to her work terminal with a huge grin on her face. They hadn't been alone together since the day Kaidan died. In fact Shepard had barely looked at her since, busy as she was with the mountain of work for the war effort. Liara had been called upon by Dr Chakwas once again in the last week and Shepard, much to her dismay (as well as Samantha's) was encouraged to meld with the Asari at once when she almost collapsed with exhaustion on the Engineer Deck. A part of Samantha was actually starting to think that Shepard had forgotten her again, but she was pleasantly surprised by the Commander's sudden invitation on a date.

_Bollocks, I'm crap at first dates though... And second dates. Actually, dates in general if I'm honest. God, what if it's awkward?_

Giving up her work as a bad job, and knowing she wasn't going to be able to concentrate now, Samantha logged off her terminal. She stretched out her limbs, watching the Quarian Admirals pass by. _Good Lord, imagine having to live in a suit your whole life. The sex must be really risky._ She gave the Admirals a courteous nod before making her way up onto the bridge, where EDI and Joker were in the middle of a discussion.

"I'm telling you, EDI. Next time we're on the Citadel just use your... uhm... assets and flutter your eyelashes at security. They'll let you past in a heartbeat!"

"That would be dishonest, Jeff. It would make us no better than Cerberus."

"Well, Cerberus did _make_ you. So technically you'd just be like following your genetic code or something. There's nothing dishonest about that. I mean, it's like when I use Vrolik syndrome to get free nachos when I go to watch a vid in the theatre."

Traynor laughed and leaned over the back of EDI's chair. "What the devil are you two talking about?" she asked amused, looking from one to the other. Joker grinned.

"Thinking of ways which we could take over the Citadel better than Cerberus did," he said cheekily, "I'm still convinced that EDI could flirt her way into C-Sec's mainframe and overwrite it. I mean just picture it!"

"I can't un-picture it," Samantha joked, her eyes glazing over with pleasant thoughts of the sexy synthetic beside her.

"All she has to do is show a little...uh...what's the robot version of skin?"

"Flexible alloy." Samantha and EDI looked at each other, having answered Joker's question simultaneously.

"Uh, right, _that_ wasn't creepy at all," Joker said, looking at them strangely. "Anyway, get this! EDI rolls up and flashes her alloys and security falls to their knees, desperately in love. So to speak. Then you and I walk right past them, take control of the Citadel and BOOM! Bye bye, Council. Bye bye, Reapers. All bow to the will of Joker and his Traynor!"

Samantha snorted. "His _Traynor_?"

Joker shrugged. "It's a working title."

Traynor laughed. "Well, I'd say your EDI plan's a dead cert. It'd work on me."

She glanced over at the AI fondly. _Ah, that figure. The best thing Cerberus ever did for us._ Joker cleared his throat pointedly. He had become rather protective over EDI.

"Hey, shouldn't you be working at your little terminal or something?" he said defensively, clearly disliking the fact the Samantha had a bit of a thing for the synthetic frame on display in the co-pilot chair. "Or playing with one of your gadgets? How come you're up here bothering the cool kids?"

"I'm taking a break," Samantha replied happily, patting him on the head. "I've been on duty for thirteen hours and counting. I think I'm entitled to a little R&R."

"Or how about getting me a drink? I'm pretty thirsty. EDI, you want one?"

"This body does not require the need for rehydration like organic bodies, Jeff. You know this," EDI replied smartly, flicking through the orange holographic interfaces in front of her.

"I know, I know. But next time we go to Purgatory, I'm buying you a drink anyway. Otherwise it just looks like I'm drinking on my own again, and that's just sad."

“You _are_ sad, Joker,” Samantha giggled, turning around and leaving them to it.

“Only on the inside,” came his reply, before the door swished closed behind her.

Samantha smiled. _They're actually pretty cute together!_ Figuring Vega was probably just doing pull-ups in the shuttle bay, she decided to take a trip down and pay him a visit. She had some time to kill, as she willed away the hours until her first official date with none other than Commander Shepard herself.


	10. Chapter 10

It was 2am before Traynor got the long awaited call, inviting her up to the Commander’s cabin. Quarian friendly-fire had almost killed Shepard, Vega and Liara aboard a Geth ship, so Samantha hadn't imagined for a second that Shepard would be able to find the time for something as trivial as a date. She was pleasantly surprised when the message came.

Fifteen minutes later, she found herself standing in the Normandy's elevator, butterflies in her stomach. She held the mission reports in one hand, and her holographic chess board was tucked under her arm. As she listened to the hum of the lift, bringing her closer and closer to Shepard’s cabin, her heart began to hammer against her ribcage.

_Come on, girl. You can do this. It's only Shepard. Only the most intimidating, infamous, desirable woman in the entire Galaxy... Crap!_

The elevator came to a halt, and the doors slid open. Commander Shepard was waiting in the small landing, arms folded, leaning against the wall. Her face broke into a warm smile as Samantha stepped out.

"Hey," she greeted her, giving her a quick kiss. Samantha felt herself blush.

"Hi!" she replied, her voice more high pitched than usual.

Shepard chuckled. "Are you alright?" she asked, sensing something was off.

"Fine! just..."

"Nervous?" Shepard guessed.

Samantha realised her expression must have given her away. "Sorry," she groaned. "I'm just... not very good at first dates. Or any dates, for that matter."

The Commander laughed. "It's alright. Neither am I,” she admitted. “But technically we've already had a few unofficial dates, haven't we? Although you did run away and leave me, now that I think about it. Both times."

Samantha giggled. "Sorry, I'll try not to this time."

Shepard smiled. She linked Traynor's arm and led her inside the cabin. "Good. Now I feel a little less anxious. Are those for me by the way?"

Samantha had almost forgotten what was in her hand. "Oh! Yes, sorry, Ma’am. Lieutenant Vega sent up his report on the last mission, along with Liara's. I was also talking to Allers earlier. She wanted me to pass along the galaxy’s reaction to the last piece she wrote on you. Apparently it didn't go down as well as she thought it would."

Shepard sighed, and her brow creased in frustration. "Damn it," she muttered. "Why can't these fucking journalists just leave me alone?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Allers supposed to be helping your rep, Commander?"

Shepard half-laughed. "She _is_ , believe it or not," she grinned, as they strolled down the small stair-set in her room, aiming for the comfy modest lounge under a rather impressive model ship collection. "And she's doing quite a bit of damage control, believe me. But I've pissed off too many reporters in my time. Her job of keeping them at bay is almost as hard as mine is saving the Galaxy."

The two of them laughed. They took a seat around the little coffee table, where two glasses and a large vial of burgundy liquid rested.

"Wine, huh?" Traynor teased, as Shepard began to open it. "Smooth!"

The Commander chuckled. "Not just any wine. This one's Vega-approved. He bought it for me on the Citadel before we left. Apparently it's from Chile. It’s... nice to have a little taste of Earth every once in a while. I had originally promised to open it with him, but tonight's a special occasion. He'll understand."

"Aw, he's such a sweetheart," Samantha cooed, feeling her heart swell at the fact that Shepard believed their night together to be special.

"You're a bit of a sweetheart yourself," Shepard replied, her green eyes playful and warm. She handed her a glass, watching Samantha’s tanned cheeks flush.

"I'm glad you think so," she replied, ducking embarrassedly. “I brought the chessboard by the way. We can play if you like.”

Shepard took a seat beside her, crossing her legs. “Later, maybe. I’d like to just talk for a bit.”

She exhaled with relief, apparently glad to get sitting down after being on her feet half the day, and running for her life the other half. Holding her wine in one hand, she reached across the chair and took Samantha's hand in hers. They both glanced down, slowly intertwining their fingers. It was such a small gesture, but one Samantha appreciated. Feeling somewhat less nervous and more reassured than she had been in the elevator, she smiled and found the courage to meet Shepard's eyes. It was only in the flickering light from the aquarium facing them that she could see fresh cuts the Commander had picked up from the last battle.

_God, those look painful!_

"What are you thinking?" Shepard whispered, obviously seeing the concern register on Traynor's face.

"I was just... counting your scars," Samantha replied with a chuckle. "Forgive me. I've just never noticed some of them before now." She brought her wine to her lips. It tasted marvellous. _And expensive!_

"Ah, these are nothing," Shepard said, giving her a crooked grin. "You should see the rest of me."

Sam snorted into her wine. "Was that a pick-up line, Commander?" she choked.

Shepard laughed. "No, but it was pretty good, wasn't it? I might use it more often."

"Hmm, how many other women do you plan on taking up to your cabin?"

"Oh, you know," Shepard said, taking a sip of her own drink. "I try to fit in at least two or three a week. When I'm not killing Reapers and punching reporters." Seeing her wicked grin, Samantha twisted her wrist in punishment. "Agh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" Shepard protested. When Samantha's strength lessened, she watched Shepard raise her hand to place a light kiss across her knuckles in apology. "Am I forgiven?"

"For now," Samantha teased.

"God, you're surprisingly strong," Shepard said, glancing down at her squeezed wrist.

"Hey, the lab geeks had to go through standard military training as well, you know," Samantha joked.

"I _do_ know," Shepard admitted, rolling her eyes. "When I would get a disciplinary in my younger days as a marine, they would make me teach the sessions."

"You're kidding!" Samantha giggled. "You'd terrify the hell out of them."

"I used to! I made a guy wet himself once, actually."

They both fell into a fit of laughter.

"You're so mean," Samantha teased. "What did he do wrong?"

"Nothing! I picked him out of the group during the martial arts simulation to demonstrate a technique for the others. When he saw me coming, he literally pissed his pants."

"Aww, the poor man!" Samantha sympathised, feeling embarrassment on his behalf.

"Poor _me_!" Shepard corrected indignantly. "I had to fucking clean it up!"

Samantha’s cheeks hurt from laughing. The date had turned out to be more laid-back than she thought. Shepard was so easy to talk to. At least the real Shepard was; the kind of woman whom the Galaxy didn't see. She had a softer side. _Much softer._ After all, being a soldier was nothing more than her job. Yes, it was one that commanded her full attention, dictating her life. But underneath it all, Shepard was a woman, a real woman.

_Not a tool of war to be used relentlessly and discarded, like so many seem to think._

Traynor released the Commander's hand, and traced a strand of red hair away from her face. She locked gaze with Shepard again. There were so many striking colours in her eyes that she didn't know where to begin. In that moment, Samantha realised it wasn't the faint orange glow that held her attention, despite her affinity for synthetics. It wasn't the hint of bluey-grey, magically reflecting the sliver hue of the aquarium. It wasn't even the prominent glimmering colour of emerald, shimmering intelligently, reminding her of lush green meadows back on Horizon that stretched for miles and miles. All of this was dazzling it was true; but it was the way Shepard was staring back at her that made her unable to look away. It was as though she believed Samantha to be the only woman in the universe. The only one who mattered. It was the first time anyone had taken Samantha's breath away without uttering a single word.

"Shepard?" she whispered.

Shepard sighed with contentment, seemingly more relaxed than she had been in quite some time. Their faces were getting closer, examining the other, not wanting to miss a single, tiny detail.

"Yes?" she breathed back.

Samantha swallowed, frozen in the moment. Her heart was beating erratically. She couldn't take her eyes away. "I... I think I'm in love with you."

Shepard smiled, brushing her nose against Sam's. "You think?" she repeated in a whisper, glancing down at Samantha's mouth. "Because I _know_ I'm in love with you."

Samantha took a sharp intake of breath. Before she knew it, she had blindly found the Commander's lips which were only centimetres away, capturing them in a fiercely sensual motion that took them both off balance even while seated. A soft gasp of passion escaped her as she tasted Shepard's tongue seeking hers, sliding between her parted lips, probing, searching for more. Samantha heard her glass of wine smash to the floor as it slipped through her fingers. She took full advantage of her free hands, bringing them either side of Shepard's face. She felt the Commander touch her lower back, directing her body nearer to hers. Her hands slipped down the waistband of Samantha’s pants, cupping her hips. She hauled them closer, until Samantha realised with surprise that she was now straddling Shepard on the chair.

Time could have been a figment of the imagination. Sam drifted into the abyss, enjoying the exploring hands of Shepard now snaking up her back. She felt her bra clasp _pop!_ under Shepard’s expert pinch, and a tingle of arousal as her breasts fell loose under her military shirt.

_Brrring! Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrrring!_

Something was to ringing nearby. Both women ignored it, their hunger for each other intensifying as though sensing an interruption.

_Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrring! Brrrring! Brrrring! **Brrrring!**_

"Fuck!" Shepard growled, breaking from their kiss. Panting, Samantha, glanced down at the Commander's arm, seeing her Omni-tool flashing orange. "Sorry," Shepard whispered. "One second." She flicked the answer button in frustration. “What?”

" **Uh, Commander?"** It was Joker.

"Go ahead," Shepard relented, directing Samantha’s lips down to hers once more, leaving him on the line as she continued their kiss.

" **There’s trouble in the war room between the Quarian Admirals and Legion. You might want to check it out before they wreck the place."**

Shepard didn't answer, making Samantha's mouth curl into a cheeky smile. _Christ, Joker, go away! Please!_

" **Shepard, are you there?"**

Samantha ran her fingers through Shepard’s hair, deepening their kiss, grating her teeth along lower lip playfully. She tightened her legs around her, grinding her hips.

" **Commander!?"**

"Yes, I’m here!" Shepard snapped, clearly not appreciating this interruption as she broke away from Samantha again. Traynor watched her massage her temple in frustration, shaking her head with disbelief. "Rodger that, Joker. I'm on my way down." She clicked off the Omni-tool and stared up into Samantha's eyes, caressing her cheek. "Sorry about this."

Samantha smiled. "It's fine. Go be a hero. I'll come down with you actually. I should probably get back to work."

"No," Shepard replied, twirling the ends of Traynor’s hair. "Stay. Take that shower I promised you. I could be a while."

"Are you sure?"

Shepard just laughed quietly. She lifted Samantha off and got to her feet, pulling Samantha to hers. Both of them stepped over the broken, spilt glasses of wine and walked up the staircase. At the door, Shepard turned back. There was profound longing on her face. She kissed Samantha once more, expressing her desire at not wanting to leave.

"Fucking hell," she breathed passionately, resting her head against Samantha's and closing her eyes. "God help whatever Quarian is messing around down there, dragging me away from you right now. I'm going to fucking murder them."

Samantha chuckled. "I'm feeling rather murderous myself, actually," she joked, breathing in the Commanders sweet scent. "Hurry back to me."

"I will." Shepard stole once last kiss and let her go, walking out. Samantha watched her continuously press the elevator button with impatience. Once she saw the Commander depart, she exhaled, bringing a hand to her forehead, trying to contemplate everything that had transpired.

_Good lord!_

Her heart was pumping, chest rising and falling, her face flushed with excitement. She touched the warmth of her cheeks. Her underwear was wet with arousal. Trying to regain her bearings, Samantha stared around the empty cabin, her eyes coming to rest on the private bathroom. The shower was gleaming invitingly.

_You know, I think I will have that shower actually. At least this one has room to stretch. My things are downstairs though._ She looked around inside, seeing a small toilet and hanging on the rail beside the mirror: _A towel!_

Needing no further encouragement, Samantha stripped down into her military regulation underwear, and clipped her bra closed again at the back. She tossed her clothes to the side, and turned on the power-shower, stepping underneath in her smalls, relishing in the force of the instant hot water as it trickled off her hair. The runnels of water sliding down her back washed off a week's worth of stress.

#

Around 45 minutes passed, and Samantha still couldn't bring herself to leave the Commander's bathroom. _Ugh, I could get lost in here!_ She couldn't remember the last time she'd had a decent wash without half the Normandy's servicewomen lined up beside her, complaining that she was taking too long. The entire time she had been unable to forget about Shepard, wondering where the Commander had gotten to and feeling sympathy for whoever had interrupted their date.

_I bet she's had them chucked out the airlock already._

Running her hands through her squeaky-clean hair as the warm water smothered her face, Samantha gasped as a pair of hands touched her waist. She glanced over her shoulder, getting a glimpse of Shepard, still in her Alliance officer uniform. Shepard claimed her lips with an immediate sense of urgency, and Samantha felt herself being turned around.  Before she knew it, Shepard had her pressed up against the wall, running her tongue along her neck.

"Oh," Sam moaned, as Shepard’s thigh brushed against her tingling centre. The Commander’s hands slid over her breasts, slipping the straps of her black bra down her arms. She unbuckled it at the back with expert precision like before, and flung it away. Samantha’s wet breasts flattened against the soaking material of Shepard's uniform, nipples erect.

Coming alive, Traynor fumbled with the golden clasps of Shepard’s jacket. Losing her patience, she dragged it open, breaking the golden chain and carelessly pushing it back off her shoulders. She broke from their kiss to pull Shepard’s black vest up over her head, leaving just her dog tags dangling between her impressive cleavage. Shepard laughed seductively, and unclasped her own bra before kicking off the rest of her uniform. She pinned Samantha back against the wall, hard, continuing their kiss with a sense of urgency.

Samantha's head was spinning in a fervent swirl. The only senses she had left were taste and touch, savouring the sweetness of Commander Shepard's lips. She clutched at her back with each thrust of Shepard’s hips, listening to the erotic trickle of water beat off their naked bodies. Between the water’s temperature and the heat of the Commander's skin, she felt breathless. Consumed in the steaminess like this was a wild dream, she expected to wake up at any second, ruing the fact that it wasn't real.

_But it is real._

Samantha gasped in anticipation as Shepard's hand began travelling south, the other cupping her breast, thumbing her nipple playfully. Shepard's fingers traced Samantha's tense abs, following the natural contours of her body down. Her slender fingers tickled Samantha’s pelvic bone, then slipped under the waistband of her drenched underwear. Finding their spot, they stimulated her clitoris in long, lingering motions, sending Samantha's body into spasms of shuddering pleasure.

_Oh! Dear-_

" _God!"_ she finished aloud with an erotic intake of breath, unable to stay quiet any longer. She dragged her fingers along Shepard's back, making cuts of her own. She could feel every scar, every scrap, every scalpel mark that the Lazarus Project had inflicted on her. Only when the last of her arousal had died, did Samantha open her eyes. Lazily leaning her wet chin on Shepard's shoulder, she stared down at the criss-cross markings on her pale skin, still in a daze through the steam of the shower. Seeing a rather massive one stretch along the Commander's collarbone, Sam covered it with a kiss, sucking gently, massaging the miss-matched texture with her tongue.

Shepard's relentless fingers slipped inside of her. “Christ!” Samantha almost lost her footing. They curled against her with every thrust of the Commander's hips, making her quiver, sending her to the brink. “Oh! Yes!”

Hearing her cries of ecstasy, feeling her tensing body clenched against hers, Shepard giggled, nibbling her earlobe playfully. "Are you alright?" she breathed in her ear, slowing now to a pace that she could handle. Samantha smiled, biting her lip. Panting, she rested her head back against the wall, feeling the after-effects of her orgasm wash over her.

"Better than alright," Samantha joked, her chest heaving. "Holy shit... I needed that..."

She heard Shepard laugh in her ear once more. "Come on... Let's get out of here. I can hardly breathe."

Finally opening her eyes, Samantha turned off the water. The warmth of the Commander's slippery body left her for just a second, while she grabbed the towel from the rail to her left. She threw it over Samantha's shoulders and kissed her, before positioning herself behind her and walking her out of the tiny bathroom, a hand on either side of her hips.

Able to catch their breaths better due to the much wider open space of the rest of the cabin, Samantha turned to Shepard and opened the towel, inviting her in. She wrapped her arms around her, drying them both. Shepard rested her arms on Samantha’s shoulders.

"Mmm,” she sighed, fiddling with Samantha's wet hair, twirling soothing ringlets at the nape of her neck. "That was, without doubt, the best night I've ever had in this cabin."

Samantha chuckled, mesmerised by her smouldering green eyes. "Well, if you play your cards right, there might be a few more."

“Is that so?”

Shepard slid her hands under the towel and scooped Samantha off the ground unexpectedly. Sam yelped in surprise and laughed, flinging her arms around Shepard's neck and accepting the kiss she received. The Commander carried her down the steps, towards the ever-inviting double bed. Traynor yelped again as Shepard dropped her onto it then climbed across her, lowering her weight on top of her.

"You know," the Commander began, stealing another quick kiss. "If I wasn't mistaken, I would think you were using me for my shower, Samantha."

Traynor giggled, running her hands over the Commander's tensed butt cheeks, then tracing up her spine. You got me," she teased, playing along, as Shepard's thigh rested between the wetness of her legs. "If all showers are as good as that one, then I'll definitely be back for more."

Shepard chuckled. "Well, in that case, it's yours whenever you like."

Samantha grinned, leaning up to claim the Commander's lips with a slow, passionate kiss. Neither moved for what felt like hours, their wet hair dripping onto the foot of the bed underneath them. It was a while before they could feel it seeping in.

"Woops," Samantha said, noticing the dark patch around her. Her hair was almost dry now, bar the puddle underneath her. Shepard reluctantly got up. She walked in the nude, snatching the towel from the ground a few feet away, and flung it over her red hair, rubbing it dry and siphoning off the last of the water drops that rested on her skin. She walked back to the bed, and Samantha got up, allowing herself to be dried. Both of them climbed into the bed properly then, their bodies coming together under the heavy duvet.

Laying her head on the pillow, Samantha looked across, meeting Shepard's eyes in the dim light of the cabin. She reached over and caressed her cheek lovingly.

"You look tired," she whispered, seeing dark rings under her eyes. Shepard kissed her hand before responding.

"I'll be alright.”

"Don't you sleep at all?" Samantha asked, concerned. Shepard's hand tickled along her side under the covers.

"Sometimes," she admitted sadly. "But usually not for long."

"Shall I tell you a bedtime story?" Sam joked, throwing her a smile. "Would that help?"

Commander Shepard laughed quietly. She pulled Samantha closer, caressing the skin along her back between her shoulder blades, and smelling the scent of shampoo on her hair. "How about I tell you one instead?" she offered, kissing her forehead. 

Samantha gave her one last smile then closed her eyes, snuggling in close. She rested her head on Shepard's shoulder, waiting. It felt inexplicably safe being in her arms. As Samantha listened intently, it wasn't long until she was lulled into a state of relaxation by the gentle cadence of Shepard's voice, drifting off to sleep in her embrace.


	11. Chapter 11

The gentle hum of the Normandy’s engines commenced Samantha’s awakening. She couldn’t remember having slept so well, even before the war. Her body had certainly not felt this relaxed. _Or this satisfied_. Humming contentment through her smiling lips, she star-fished a lengthy stretch, with a fulfilled yawn in accompaniment. Coming to, her eyelids flickered open. Momentarily confused by the unfamiliar surroundings, she lost herself in the depths of outer space through the skylight overhead. A particularly fiery, blood-orange star struck a chord with her, rescuing memories of the night before.

_Shepard…_

Samantha turned her the right, remembering. The space beside her was empty. Crushed, she reached across the crumpled sheets where Commander Shepard had lain. Her scent still clung to the fabric. Samantha sighed, realising work must have called her away in the small hours. She wondered how long she had been sleeping alone for without even realising it. She rolled over and buried her face in Shepard’s pillow, ready to settle into another doze. Just as she got comfortable, an orange blink from her Omni-tool triggered her attention.

Groaning, Samantha opened her eyes and flicked the ‘accept’ button, opening the incoming message. Text appeared digitally across her arm.

 

**_From: Commander Shepard_ **

**_To: Comm Specialist Traynor_ **

_Morning gorgeous,_

_I’m in the Med Bay. Come see me when you’re awake._

_Shepard._

 

Samantha’s grin at the message was immediately hampered when she reached the end. _The Med Bay? Christ, how long have I been asleep?_ She checked the time on her Omni-tool, and realised she had slept for ten hours.

“Crap!”

Samantha jumped out of bed and rushed for her uniform, still folded on the Commander’s desk from the night before. _I was supposed to be on shift four hours ago! Thank God I had a thorough shower last night._ She rushed to the bathroom when fully dressed, and splashed cold water over her face to wake herself up. Peering into the mirror above the sink, she noticed her hair had dried at awkward angles having not been properly blow-dried. She wet her hands and flattened it as best she could. _It will have to do._

She rushed back to Shepard’s bed and pulled up the covers, not wanting to leave it in a state. She then glanced at the broken glasses and spilt wine on the floor from their date, wondering if she should clean them up. Realising she simply didn’t have the time, Samantha raced out of the apartment and down to the CIC.

“Hi, EDI! So sorry I’m late!” she gushed, flustered, running to her terminal beside the Galaxy Map. “Is everything alright?”

She logged in and checked the Normandy’s vitals, but the AI had kept most of them under control on her own. Her personal alerts were flashing dangerously close to red though. The retrofits she was overseeing were emanating blinks of complaint. Samantha immediately began reprograming algorithms to counter the number of issues that EDI wasn’t built to handle.

“Do not worry, Specialist Traynor,” came the AI’s smooth cadence. “Our last mission was a success. I have dealt with any vital problems we encountered on Rannoch.”

“Rannoch?!” Samantha exclaimed. “What happened? When did we get there?” She quickly brought up the mission briefs and recordings. Her heart dropped as she watched a vid of Shepard vs. Reaper. “Holy crap!”

“Oh, hey, Traynor! Nice of you to grace us with your presence,” Joker greeted her over the intercom. “Shepard told us you were sitting this one out. Nice to see that special treatment kicking in for sleeping with the boss.”

“Joker? I-I don’t know what happened. I-!” Samantha looked down and realised she wasn’t wearing any pants. “Arrghhh!”

“Arrghhh!” Samantha jumped out of her sleep with a sharp intake of air. She’d screamed out loud, she knew it. With hazy eyes, she glanced around to find the source of beeping that had woken her from her nightmare. She realised she was in the Med Bay. The heart monitor beside the bed she lay on was going haywire. “Christ!”

Seeing Shepard writhe in cardiac arrest beside her, Samantha sprang off her bed, and rushed to the buzzer on the wall. “Doctor Chakwas! Something’s wrong! Her heart-rate has spiked!”

“On my way,” answered Chakwas.

Samantha touched Shepard’s clammy forehead, and held her still. It looked like something was trying to punch a hole through her chest. Seconds later, Doctor Chakwas was by her side, working on her.

“Come on, darling,” Samantha hushed, brushing her fingers through Shepard’s blood-crusted hair. It was agony seeing her this way. A few minutes later, the bleeps from the ECG told them her heartbeat was beginning to regulate.

“She’s alright,” Chakwas said, touching Traynor’s arm in reassurance. “The synthetic connection to her heart has just malfunctioned. I hadn’t realised it was damaged on Rannoch. I’ve fixed it now however. She’ll come around in a bit.”

“Thank the Lord!” Samantha exhaled. She noticed Doctor Chakwas was staring at her, as though piecing something together in her head.

“I know you told me you’d keep an eye on her for me, but that got a little further than I would have liked,” Chakwas said. “How long was she convulsing for?”

“I… I’m sorry, I don’t know,” Samantha stammered. “I, er… fell asleep.”

“Oh... I see.”

 “Ma’am?”

“Oh, nothing,” Chakwas chuckled, waving her off. Something about her smirk made Samantha think she’d just guessed that she and Shepard were a little more than colleagues. “Just good to know she isn’t alone.” They both stared at the unconscious Commander for a moment. “Right,” Chakwas continued, clearing her throat. “I think I’ll go back to my dinner, if that’s alright? Call me if she flares up again.”

Samantha chuckled. “Yes, Doctor. Thank you. And sorry for disturbing you.”

“It is no trouble.”

When the Med Bay’s door slid shut, Samantha exhaled, and sat herself back down on the bed. She recalled the nightmare that had woken her up then, resisting the urge to laugh. Her date with Shepard was a few days ago now, and she certainly hadn’t been pant-less in the CIC. The dream had gotten most things right though, like waking up and finding her gone the morning after, but Samantha had to giggled at the notion that she had slept in and missed the entire battle on Rannoch.

_That would have been some battle to miss._

She took Shepard’s hand in hers, brushing it with her thumb. How could someone be so brave as to face a Reaper head on, with nothing but a targeter for the fleets for company? And now the Quarians had their homeworld back. And the Geth and Quarians had buried their differences for the good of the war effort.

_And Legion had a soul in the end._

Shepard’s eyes flickered open finally. “Hey, you,” she murmured, managing a small grin. “What happened? What am I doing in the Med Bay again?”

“You don’t remember?” Samantha’s brow creased in concern, squeezing her hand. “You collapsed two hours ago in the CIC, darling. Right after the mission on Rannoch.”

“Oh. Shit.” Shepard made a face. “Hope I didn’t cause a scene.”

“Don’t worry,” Samantha smiled. “Only Chakwas and I saw it happen. She said it was due to severe exhaustion.”

“Yeah, facing off with a Reaper really takes it out of you.” Shepard joked, beckoning Samantha to give her kiss. She traced her tanned cheek after their lips brushed, gazing up at her. "Still, seeing your face first thing with I wake up tops the list as the best part of my day."

Samantha lost herself in the depths of the woman's eyes as she so often did. "You're such a charmer," she teased, caressing Shepard's bloodied cheek, their faces suspended together in an intimate embrace. "In any event, thanks. I'm glad to be positioned above war on the list of things that makes you happy."

The Commander snorted. "Hilarious. You know, not all soldiers enjoy the fighting. It's just part of the job... and it wears on you after a while, believe me."

"I know, Shepard. I was kidding," Samantha said with an air of regret. "A part of me wishes I could be out there with you sometimes, fighting by your side. Then we'd at least have a bit more time together."

"I know what you mean. I feel like I haven't seen you in a year, and it’s only been a few days. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up after our date." Shepard twirled Samantha's hair around her finger. "About an hour after you fell asleep the Quarians wanted to plan for the mission on Rannoch. I couldn't bear to wake you up. You looked so peaceful."

"It's alright. I suspected something had called you away,” Samantha said. “Still, it would have been nice having you there. The last few days have been incredibly dull without you. Well, apart from all the work I had to do to try and keep you alive on the ground. _That_ was a learning curve or two."

Shepard laughed. "Yeah, the fucking Comm systems were going haywire down there. You and EDI were great though. Sometimes I actually wonder who's smarter.”

“Oh, definitely EDI. I just compliment her talents,” Samantha giggled humbly.

Shepard’s eyes twinkled. “Don’t I know it.”

Sam snorted. “God, you’re never going to let me forget that, are you?” She knew Shepard was hinting at the flirtatious banter she’d once overheard Traynor direct what she thought was a VI.

Shepard simply stole another kiss from her in response. She sat up in the bed then, reaching for the handheld mirror Chakwas always placed by her after she’d been injured. Shepard traced a finger over the newest addition to her face; a deep laceration on her temple. She scrunched in discomfort.

"Does it hurt?" Samantha asked, watching Shepard hold a damp piece of gauze over the seeping blood. _God, if I was in her shoes right now I'd be crying my eyes out._

"Argh, it's not too bad. I've had a lot worse.”

“True. You did have a very small heart attack while you were out cold.”

“Ah, that’s nothing. Just the implants giving me trouble as usual. I'm more worried about Tali. She shouldn't have taken her mask off like that. I think the emotion of the moment got to her."

They both looked over the opposite side of the Med Bay, seeing unconscious Tali hooked up to monitors. She had fallen victim to a terrible fever since taking her mask off on Rannoch to breath in the scent of her home planet for the very first time.

"Dr Chakwas said she'll be fine," Samantha said. "She’s was put into a medically induced coma while the worst of the infection leaves her system. Vega told me she was awake earlier though, when he came in to get his thigh stitched up and another dose of Medi-gel. Did he really take a bullet for you? He winds me up something shocking so I never can tell when he's being serious."

Shepard grinned proudly, and nodded, before beginning to apply a heavy dose of Medi-gel herself. "He was telling the truth. Tackled me out of the way as a Geth Prime took aim. Bullet grazed his leg. Crazy bastard. We're both lucky to be alive."

"In that case, I could kiss him," Samantha said. Her heart had been in her mouth the entire time as she listened to events over the Comm channels of goings-on down on Rannoch.

"So could I. Not the first time he's pulled my ass out of the line of fire," Shepard admitted, throwing the bloody gauze in the metal dish in front of her. She tried to get to her feet.

"Oh, here, let me!" Samantha said hurriedly, seeing the Commander struggle to straighten due to the tender nature of her ribcage. She wrapped her arm around Shepard's waist, and eased her into a standing position. They began shuffling towards the door.

“Should you really be leaving the Med Bay right now?”

"I hate it in here,” Shepard said, staring around in disgust. “I'll be ok once I get some rest. By the time we reach the Citadel again, I'll be right as rain. Doc says my ribs are just a little bruised and battered after Vega's tackle. He knocked the wind clean out of me!"

Samantha chuckled, pressing the door with her Omni-tool. It sprang open, allowing them to leave. _I'm not surprise. Vega's a bloody beast!_

"Where do you want to go?" she asked.

"Shuttle Bay,” Shepard answered. “I want to check on my Marine and see how he's doing. It's not every day someone takes a bullet for you."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am."

"So," Shepard began as they made their way to the elevator, joined at the hip. "Did you sleep well the other night?"

Samantha looked up, seeing the Commander's cheeky smile and knowing full well that she wasn't just talking about 'sleep'. This was the conversation they hadn't gotten to have, the morning after spending such a wonderful night together.

"Best I've ever had," Samantha promised her with a wink. The Commander laughed and watched as Traynor reached over to the elevator and pressed the button to call it. They waited patiently, holding each other, glad to have an excuse to be touching. "I really liked your bedtime story by the way," Samantha continued. "From what I can remember of it, before I succumbed to my exhaustion after that glorious shower, that is. I didn't take you for the storytelling type."

Shepard chuckled. "I'm not, really. The stories _I_ usually tell people chill them to the bone, or give them nightmares for weeks."

Samantha giggled. "So I've heard. Enlighten me then. Where did _you_ of all people learn a story called The Princess of Ferelden and her Lost Griffon?"

The Commander smiled fondly, and her eyes glazed over as though reminiscing. "My father," she said, sounding a little hoarse. "He... used to tell it to me when I was a little girl. When I couldn't sleep."

Seeing a horrible faraway look in Shepard's eyes then, Samantha was thankful that the elevator appeared when it did. _God, I feel so sorry for her sometimes. She'd hate it if she knew though._ She guided the Commander inside and pressed the button to the Shuttle Bay, prompting it to start.

Samantha sighed. "Does it ever get easy, Shepard?"

The Commander looked down at her, confused. "What do you mean, Traynor?"

"Your life," Samantha said timidly, trying not to step over any invisible lines. She was unsure how deep the Commander buried her grievances and didn't want to trigger anything that Shepard preferred to leave untouched. However, the lab-geek in her was burning with curiosity. "You've been through so much. Most people wouldn't ever have to deal with half the stuff that's happened to you. Has it always been so... tragic?"

To Samantha's surprise, Shepard started to laugh. "Actually, yeah," she admitted, as though having only realised it herself.

Sam frowned, puzzled by her reaction. "Then... Sorry but, why on Earth are you laughing?" she asked, smiling a little herself with an air of bemusement. “Why is that funny?”

"I'm just laughing at your question," Shepard said, shaking her head as though she'd never heard anything like it.

Samantha's puzzled look deepened. "You've lost me."

"Well," Shepard began. "No one, not ever, has just came out and asked me that before."

_"_ _No one_ _?"_ Samantha asked in disbelief, her eyes wide. _How is that possible?_

Shepard shook her head. "I guess most people are afraid to," she said. "I can see their point. Not many have been through the shit I have. Besides, I don't really like to dwell on it if I can help it, and I don't need condolences from everyone I meet."

At this, Samantha backtracked. "I didn't... I mean, I wasn't trying to-"

"I know," Shepard interrupted, before Traynor could begin to feel embarrassed. She felt the Commander's grip tighten around her and looked up, seeing her smile. "I always make room for exceptions, Samantha. I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine. Really."

Traynor smiled. "Good. I'm glad." She tried not to let her scepticism become apparent, but was saved the trouble when Shepard leaned down, beginning a slow, tender kiss. The elevator slowed to a stop at the Shuttle Bay, and the doors slid open without either of them noticing.

"H-h-holy shit! Hey Esteban, get over here! Oh wait, never mind. You wouldn't be interested."

Samantha and Shepard jumped, breaking their kiss. James Vega was leaning against the requisitions table with his arms folded, as though having been waiting for them. He was staring wide- eyed from one woman to the other, an amused grin on his face.

Traynor rushed to cover up. "Vega! I-It's not what—"

"Actually it is," Shepard intervened, as Samantha tried for a coherent sentence. Traynor's mouth fell open. _What?_ The Commander laughed at the look of horror on her face as they exited the lift, walking towards the Lieutenant.

"He was bound to find out eventually," Shepard said, replying to Samantha's terrified expression. "Everyone will. Besides, we don't have anything to hide, do we?"

"I...No, I suppose we don’t. It's just with rank and everything. I don't want people to think,” Samantha cleared her throat, remembering her dream involved Joker. “Well, I don't want people to think I'm just another Kelly Chambers," she stammered, quickly finishing her sentence and feeling her face turn red.

Shepard and Vega laughed. "Hey, Kelly was different," Shepard protested. "She was sweet and everything, but despite what Miranda would have you believe, I only slept with her the once."

Vega's laughter continued. Samantha's jaw dropped. "You, what? You _slept_ with her?! N-no one told me that!" She had no idea why this bothered her so much, but it did. _Miranda spoke of the Yeoman with nothing but disdain. Was this why? Does she see me in the same light? Oh, God! What if I am like her?_

"Really?” Shepard seemed rather surprised by this. “Shit, with all the boring stories about me that hit the rumour mill, that juicy bit of gossip I was _sure_ would be on there." As though knowing what Samantha was thinking, she sped things along. "Look we can talk about this later if you like, but I wanted to come down here for a reason.” She turned to James. “How's the leg, Lieutenant?"

"It's nothing, Commander. I'm walking on it already. I should be good to go on the next mission. Just say the word," Vega said gruffly, limping over to his personal corner of the Shuttle Bay. "How are _you_ holding up?"

Shepard snorted. "With Traynor's help," she joked, gesturing pointedly to the woman under her arm who was providing support. Vega and Samantha chuckled.

_Again with the relentless jokes. And now Vega knows about us? God, he's never going to let me live this down, is he?_

"So," the Lieutenant began, glancing from one woman to the other, seeing them exchange an intimate look together. "You and Shepard, huh, Tray? I like it."

Samantha rolled her eyes. "What a surprise," she teased playfully.

"Don't I get a kiss for saving her ass?" James joked. "Go on!"

Shepard smiled wickedly. "You did say you would, back in the Med Bay," she reminded her.

Traynor cringed. _Ugh, I did, didn't I?_ "Let's reserve that for when he saves your ass from the bloody Reapers, shall we?" she countered, knowing both of them were trying to wind her up. "Then I promise I'll keep my word, Vega."

The Marine laughed. "I'll hold you to that, Specialist. You're breaking my heart. Anyway, I was just about to catch some shut eye, Commander, if there's nothing else. I can feel the Medi-Gel starting to kick in. I'm going to be talking _mierda_ the next hour or two.”

"No more so than usual, I imagine," Samantha joked.

James threw her a grin.

"At ease, Lieutenant,” Shepard chuckled. “Just came down to check on my saviour and thank you once again. I'll let you get some rest. Should probably try and do the same.” She reached out and shook his hand, pumping it. "Take care. Drinks on me when we reach the Citadel."

"You're damn right, Commander," he laughed, lowering himself onto a makeshift bed beside his weapons bench. "Things got hairy down there! Shit, I'd have one with you now if Esteban hadn't finished off the last of my tequila."

“Just doing you a favour, Mr Vega!” Cortex called from behind the Kodiak.

The three of them laughed. "Forget it. We'll make a proper night of it in Purgatory," Shepard replied. She glanced down at Samantha then and smiled. "Besides, I have more than one reason to celebrate."

Samantha couldn't help but lean in a kiss her. _She's such a girl sometimes._ The wolf-whistle that followed from Vega didn't bother her that much as the Commander held her tightly. There was something about being in her arms that made her feel safe, protected. _Even from Vega's jokes, it seems._

"Aw, aren't you two cute?" he teased. "You've just made my rest a little more interesting. My morale's through the roof!"

"Jaaaames!" Shepard groaned over the man's laughter. Samantha cringed. " _Not_ cool!"

Lieutenant Vega's chuckles continued as he shooed them away. "I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm happy for you. Wake me up when we get to the Citadel, alright? _Buenas noches, chicas."_

"Good night," they replied.

Traynor giggled and Shepard rolled her eyes as they walked back to the elevator and got inside. As they waited, she could feel Shepard's gait getting slightly heavier. Samantha looked up, seeing her face had gone even paler than usual. She looked exhausted.

"Are you alright, Ma'am?"

"Mmm," Shepard replied weakly, leaning her temple against Samantha's affectionately, closing her eyes. "Wish I could sleep though."

"You can," Samantha promised. "I'm taking you up to your cabin. There are no concerns that require your immediate attention, and EDI has things under control on the bridge."

"No," Shepard breathed, as though she had been misunderstood. "I mean I _literally_ wish I could sleep, but I can't. Insomniac, remember?"

"I...Of course," Samantha replied, having forgotten momentarily. "Would you like me to stay with you?"

"I would," the Commander said, sounding rather grateful through her drowsiness. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all."

Samantha helped her out of the lift when it finally stopped. She guided her across her cabin towards the bed. As soon as she set eyes on it again, fond memories of three nights previous came rushing back. _Of course, all the naughty stuff happened in the shower,_ she reminded herself with a smile. Yet despite this, falling asleep with someone's arms wrapped around her protectively was indescribable, almost more fulfilling as the sex had been. It had been such a long time since Samantha had felt like that with anyone, and even then, it had been in no way as good as it was with Commander Shepard. The woman oozed natural instincts to protect those around her even when she was at her most ruthless. It was no different when her armour was off and she didn't have to put up such a front.

Shepard groaned in discomfort as Traynor helped her into a sitting position, resting her back against the make-shift headboard. What little colour that remained in her cheeks had disappeared now. Samantha couldn't help but be concerned. She clambered over the bed and sat beside her, directing Shepard's head down onto her shoulder. The Commander snuggled in close and exhaled with relief.

"Thanks," she breathed, closing her eyes.

"Don't mention it," Samantha replied, kissing the top of her head. "Do you need some more Medi-gel? I always keep stocked up.”

She felt Shepard chuckle in her arms. "Geek,” she whispered.

Samantha laughed. "Can't you stop jesting for a second and let me take care of you, please?" she teased. "Dr Chakwas left it for me earlier to give to you. She’s trusting me to look after you, and I did a piss-poor job of it earlier when I fell asleep on top of you."

"Sorry," Shepard apologised. "I've already overdosed on Medi-gel today though. I think that’s what overloaded my synthetic heart. Chakwas is going to kill me when she finds out. Just thought it would help me get some rest. Turns out it just makes me talk shit."

"You're drowsy," Sam told her, feeling the way the Commander was draped over her and knowing she was going to pass out eventually. "I'm sure it'll work soon."

"But I don't wanna sleep," Shepard mumbled clumsily. Samantha was pretty sure the Medi-gel was taking over, making her babble. Once again her curiosity got the better of her though.

"Why not?" she asked, caressing the woman's hair.

For a second Samantha had thought Shepard had passed out, until all of a sudden the Commander came back to her senses and straightened up again, having been falling into a slouch. Her eyes looked much clearer than a second ago.

_And much more orange. Strange._

"Sorry about that," Shepard said, her glowing eyes pouring into Sam's.

"What the hell just happened?" Samantha asked, amused but puzzled all the same. She stroked Shepard's cheek, bewildered. "I was pretty convinced you'd passed out, then you just...woke up! And your eyes, I’m sorry, but that orange is terrifying."

Shepard sniggered. "I'm 30% synthetic," she reminded her, "It doesn't take long for the Medi-gel to burn up in my system. That's the closest to sleep I can ever get though basic medical means."

"You mean that's the reason why sleeping pills and the like don't have much effect on you?" the scientific part of Samantha asked interestedly. Shepard nodded.

"I guess," she relented, "There's no scientific proof. As of yet, I'm the only person that we know of having been brought back from the dead. But I trust Dr Chakwas' judgement. She hasn't let me down yet. Miranda said the same thing and she was the one who brought me back."

"So you're... what now? Rested, rejuvenated, ready to run a marathon?" Sam asked curiously. _I can't get my head around this at all._ Shepard laughed.

"Are you kidding me? I feel like I could sleep for days."

"But your body won't let you?"

"No, it's not that," Shepard said then, all trace of laughter gone now, "Eventually my body will shut down due to severe sleep-deprivation. I'm still human like any other. It's just...I kind of...I have these...I just don't really benefit from my slumbers."

Suddenly it hit Samantha what Shepard was struggling to say. _Nightmares._ It wasn't just her body stopping her from sleeping, it was her mind too. A part of her must have been terrified to fall asleep. _Lord knows the horrors that torture her in her dreams,_ Sam thought sadly. The dark rings that had been under Shepard's eyes the night before were even darker in that moment. Samantha traced them gently with her thumb, staring down at her worriedly.

"So this is what Liara has been helping you with?" she asked, finally beginning to join the dots.

Shepard nodded. "When my insomnia kicks in, she uses her Meld to occupy my mind and ease it into a state of rest. It's...intimate. The Bonding process is usually associated with sex. I haven't told her about the dreams though, but she probably senses it when we connect. In fact, I haven't really told anyone aloud, apart from you."

Samantha gave her a little smile, understanding. "Don't worry. Your secret's safe," she promised, stroking Shepard's cheek. The Commander blinked sleepily and kissed Traynor's hand, running her fingers along her forearm playfully.

"Like I said, there's a chance Liara already knows anyway," Shepard said then, nestling her head in closer to Samantha's neck and exhaling, "About us, too."

Samantha's heart skipped a beat. _She knows? Ugh, why do I feel so weird about this?_

"Oh," she replied, not knowing what to say. "H-how? I mean, it was only last night that we..."

Shepard sniggered. "I don't mean she knows that we slept together," she continued, "Sorry, I should have specified. There's a good chance she knows how _I_ feel about _you._ The Meld goes deep. I'm sure she's seen your face floating around my mind. I've been thinking about you a lot."

Despite her concerns over Liara, Sam couldn't help but smile. "Really?"

"You sound surprised," Shepard observed.

"I guess I shouldn't be," Samantha whispered, "After all, you're in my thoughts constantly as well...But, aren't you worried about Liara? Now that Vega knows, I'm sure half the crew will by the time we reach the Citadel. I mean, shouldn't you talk to her, or something?"

"I don't need her permission, Samantha."

"I know that but...you and she were close once, were you not?"

"And she turned her back on me," Shepard replied, sounding a little heated now. "There's too much history there. We're friends now, nothing more."

"All the more reason," Samantha pressed. Shepard straightened up then, leaning on her arms and staring into Traynor's eyes, her own weary and bloodshot with exhaustion.

"Why are you pushing this all of a sudden?" she asked suspiciously, surveying her.

Samantha shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. "Because I'm going to see if she can come up and Meld with you now," she revealed, trying to swallow her guilt.

Shepard looked as though she had been slapped. "No," she replied firmly, shaking her head. "No, don't start, Samantha, please. I'm fine."

"You're knackered, darling," Samantha said gently, placing a hand on the woman's cheek. "And you're not going to get a better opportunity to sleep than this. There's nothing major to concern yourself with until we reach the Citadel. I'm calling her up."

"Samantha..." Shepard grabbed her Omni-tool arm, stopping her from dialling Liara's frequency. Feeling her tight grip, Traynor took the woman's face in her free hand and pulled her towards her, reassuring her with a long, drawn-out kiss.

"Trust me, Shepard. You need this," she whispered, when their lips had parted, knowing the Commander seen this as a slight betrayal of confidences. "Liara's the only one who can help you right now."

"You can't seriously tell me you're ok with this," Shepard countered, momentarily breathless from the kiss.

"It's not about me," Traynor replied, massaging the woman's neck comfortingly. "And I don't feel any animosity towards Dr T'Soni in the slightest. I know you two have a past, and I understand that makes it difficult. But you can't fight this war half-dead from fatigue."

She heard Shepard sigh in defeat, and felt her grip on her Omni-tool arm relinquish. _Thank God._ Samantha slipped her arm free and brought up her Omni-tool interface. As she waited for Liara to accept the call, she glanced over at Shepard, seeing her lie down on her good side and close her eyes. It was like she was willing herself to fall asleep before Liara got there.

"Specialist Traynor? How can I help you?"

"Yes, Dr T'Soni. Would you mind..." _Oh Lord, how do I put this? I hadn't thought this far ahead._ "...coming to the Commander's cabin? She needs rest."

Liara seemed to understand what this meant, despite Traynor's best attempts to make it PG. Her voice sounded as hesitant as Shepard's had.

"I...Yes, of course. Right away. Just...give me a moment."

"Thanks."

The line went dead. Samantha closed the Omni-tool, turning her attentions back to Shepard. She leaned over and traced her hands through the woman's hair. "Shepard?"

There was no answer.

"Stop pretending to be asleep, Commander. It's not going to work," Samantha laughed.

Reluctantly, Shepard opened her eyes. She threw Traynor a fleeting grin. "Worth a shot," she joked. "Are you staying with me?"

As curious as she was about the Asari Melding process, this was one thing that Samantha felt she had to draw the line at. It would be even more awkward for Liara and Shepard if she was there and she wasn't sure she would like seeing the two of them so close. _How do they even do it without having sex? No, I don’t want to know._ After the way she and Elena had broken up, seeing her legs wrapped around Ed, some of the underlying insecurities still remained.

"No," she replied, fiddling with the Commander's hair still. "I have a bog load of Comms to go through in the CIC. I may visit you later though, when Liara leaves. If you would like."

"I would," Shepard said. "Though I may not have forgiven you for this, even by then."

Sam sighed. _Balls, did I do the right thing here?_ "Get some sleep, Shepard. I'll join you later." She leaned down and kissed the woman's head before shimmying off the bed and getting to her feet. As she walked to the door, Dr T'Soni knocked lightly and opened it.

"Hi," Samantha greeted her, ignoring the squirming sensation in her stomach. "She's on her bed. I'll leave you to it."

"Yes, Specialist. I am... surprised she agreed to this again. She swore last week that it would be the final time," Liara said softly, her eyes finding Shepard lying rather stiffly on top of the covers.

"I may have convinced her," Samantha replied, following Liara's gaze. "She's bloody stubborn though."

At this Liara breathed a laugh. "Yes, she is that," she admitted. "Thank you, Traynor. It should not take more than an hour or so. I will let you know when she is asleep."

"Er...right," Samantha said, feeling rather awkward all of a sudden. _This is a weird conversation._ "I'll...leave you to it, Dr T'Soni."

In her haste to leave, she almost walked into the door frame. Sidestepping the danger, Samantha rushed to the lift as fast as was acceptable and jumped inside, pressing the button for the CIC. When it started to descend, she exhaled, leaning her head back against the wall. _God, that was even harder than I imagined._ As her conscience argued with itself she pulled herself together. _Relax, Sam, it's not like their sleeping with each other._

Just as she thought this, Traynor realised that in the next few minutes Liara would be privy to every intimate detail that she and the Commander had shared the night before. Every touch, every kiss, every cry of ecstasy. _Oh Lord, why did I suggest this?_ Placing hand on her forehead, feeling flustered, Samantha stepped out onto the CIC and walked to her terminal. She opened up her incoming traffic and beginning to work through them, all the while trying unsuccessfully to push thoughts of Shepard and Liara to the back of her mind.


	12. Chapter 12

Specialist Traynor flicked through her mountain of incoming messages, trying not to picture Liara and Shepard together. She searched for any that were important enough to forward onto the Commander, or that needed her immediate attention. She checked the time on her terminal again, flustered at the notion that she and Shepard's relationship was about to be revealed to Dr T'Soni in a very blunt fashion.

_God, she's been up there for longer than an hour. It's going on two now._

Pulling herself together, Samantha tried to remember that she was doing this to help Shepard. She continued her work, flagging incoming communications without really paying much attention. Suddenly an untitled email caught her eye. Curious, and hoping it wasn't an unpleasant (and very petty) Cerberus attack, Samantha scanned the email with her self-developed virus scanner. Nothing. She then clicked 'open' and began to read.

 

_Hayley, this is Mom... If I'm still allowed to call myself that._

_I hope I've caught you at the right comm link. Hell, it's been years! I haven't seen you since you were a pup. Yeah... Anyway. Look kid, I need to see you. The entire Galaxy's talking a lot about you, saying you're first in line to be Reaper food or something. You're a big hero now, ain't ya? Unlike your dear old mom who's still wanted by C-Sec._

_I managed to hitch a ride to the Citadel after my ship got decimated with the rest of my crew back on Noveria. Got a new ID under the name Martha Hill. Come and find me. I'll be in an apartment on the Presidium. Number 606._

_See ya kiddo._

 

Samantha froze. She read over the message again, trying to make sense of it. _Shepard's mother? God, didn't she say her mother left her father when she was really young?_ Stunned, and wondering whether or not to believe it was legit, Samantha scanned the email again, trying to find its sent location. It was encrypted. _Crap!_

"EDI, can you try to break the encryption on this file, please? I can't seem to get around it."

"Right away, Specialist Traynor."

Samantha waited impatiently, her thoughts falling on Shepard again. After their conversation on the Citadel, she had gotten the impression that the Commander and her mother hadn't been on the best of terms. An email out of the blue like this seemed suspicious. _Should I tell her about it?_ Samantha’s mind couldn’t find a conclusive answer to the pending question. It was a few minutes, but it felt like hours before EDI got back to her.

"I have broken the encryption, Specialist Traynor, but was unable to locate the source. I was prevented from going any further. It is, what I believe organics call, 'a booby trap'."

Samantha had to allow herself a giggle. _EDI said 'booby'. Ha!_ "Thanks EDI. Does it match up with any other known Cerberus links?"

"One moment... No."

"No?" Sam repeated, bewildered. She was expecting more of an answer than that. Surely this was a Cerberus ploy. Maybe they were planning something and needed a decoy. Something to occupy Commander Shepard, one of the few who could stop them.

"That is correct," EDI replied in her smooth, sensual voice. "Would you like me to cross-reference the wording with my database of common Cerberus protocol?"

"Oh, no. That's quite alright," Samantha sighed. Maybe this message really was from Shepard's mother after all. _If so, she must be an expert at keeping her location anonymous._ Suddenly Samantha's Omni-tool began to flash, signalling an incoming call from the Commander's private terminal.

"Shepard?"

"Actually, it is Liara," came the Asari's delicate tone. She sounded strange.

Samantha clutched the edge of her terminal. _Oh no. Here it comes! The big, old shit-storm I've been dreading._ "Is... everything alright, Dr T'Soni?" she asked, trying to keep her voice even. _That's right, girl. Play it cool._

"Shepard is asleep," Liara replied calmly. "Though I was... unable to Meld for long enough to keep her fully sedated. She will wake again soon. She is already a little restless."

Samantha swallowed nervously. "Oh," she replied, knowing what Liara must have seen that made her stop so abruptly. The depths of Shepard's mind held many secrets, but surely the Asari hadn't expected anything like this. "Is there... anything I can do?" It was a while before Liara replied. For a second, Traynor thought the line had gone dead. "Dr T'Soni?"

"Yes. I am still here. I...Can you meet with me in the hall just off Shepard's cabin first? There is something I would like to talk about."

Samantha's stomach dropped. "Erm, Yes, of course, Ma'am. Just... give me a moment. I'll be right up."

Hanging up, she swallowed over the dryness in her throat. Samantha took a few seconds to compose herself, leaning both hands on her terminal for support. She turned towards the elevator and climbed inside. As the lift ascended, she began to feel uneasy. _I bet she saw everything. Crap, why do I feel so bloody guilty?_ Taking a deep breath and bracing herself, Samantha stepped out onto the Commander's floor.

Liara was standing waiting for her. "Hello," she said softly, giving her a small smile.

"Hi!" Samantha greeted her awkwardly. An uncomfortable silence passed between them, neither woman knowing where to look. "How's our girl?" she asked then, unable to stand it any longer. She cringed instantly. _Our girl? Ugh, nice turn of phrase there, Samantha._

To her surprise, Liara chuckled. "She is fine, considering. Though I think much of that has to do with you, rather than me."

Traynor blushed. "I...Yes, I suppose it does," she admitted, her stomach knotted with guilt. "Look, Liara—"

"You don't need to explain, Specialist," Liara interrupted gently, giving her another smile. Clearly she didn't want to come across as jealous, but for some reason Samantha still felt like she had done something wrong. "I just... Well, I guess I do not really know _what_ my intentions were with this conversation. But after what I just saw..."

Samantha was mortified. _Oh Lord, what did she see? My naked body pressed against Shepard's? The two of us writhing in sync in the steamy mist of the shower? Christ!_ "I'm sorry," she replied, not knowing why she was apologising but feeling like it was necessary all the same.

"No, _I_ am sorry," Liara replied sadly. "Sorry I ever turned my back on her. A part of me just thought that although Shepard was angry we could... maybe work things out. That she still had feelings for me, but…"

Samantha was stunned. "I... I don't really know what to say," she breathed, taken aback. _Why is she telling me this? She’s normally so closed off._

"I will leave you be," Liara said. "Shepard was asking for you moments ago as she dreamt. Unfortunately, her sleep is already becoming restless. She may have a headache when she wakes. I… broke the Meld rather abruptly when..."

Samantha sighed. _When you saw us having sex,_ she finished in her head. "I should probably see if she's ok then," Traynor replied, eager to end this conversation before it made her feel shoddier than she already did. The look on Liara's face was actually breaking her heart.

"Of course," the Asari said , pulling herself together. "Let me know if you need me again. I will always be there for her."

"I will," Samantha said, walking past her and opening the door to the Commander's room. "And thank you. I’ll… see you later, Liara."

Liara pressed the button for the elevator. "Goodbye."

Samantha thought she heard a faint sniffle, though she could no longer see Liara’s face to be sure. The elevator doors pinged open, and Liara disappeared behind them, descending. Samantha exhaled, a little shook up by their confrontation. The Asari wasn't unpleasant, and if anything she handled it well, but Traynor couldn't help shake the feeling that Liara was trying to plant some kind of doubt in her mind, that things between her and Shepard weren't quite finished. _Or maybe it's just my insecurities talking._ Either way, she didn't think she would be calling on her again to look after the Commander, unless Shepard herself requested it.

She entered Shepard’s cabin then, and her eyes found the Commander sleeping soundly on her back in the middle of her bed. She was above the blanket, with the cover swaddled around her on either side like a baby. Samantha smiled. Her heart warmed at the sight, and all thoughts of Liara went out the airlock. She had never seen the Commander look so vulnerable. Samantha lay down beside her, fixing the ends of the blanket closer around Shepard's body. She leaned on her elbow staring down at her pretty face, running her hand gently through the woman's red hair.

_Well, aren't you cute,_ she thought, suppressing a giggle. _I bet even a Reaper would have second thoughts about waking you up right now._

The Commander's eyelids were fluttering wildly as she dreamt. She flinched every now and then, fighting the enemy even in her sleep.

"Sssh," Samantha soothed, placing a light kiss on her clammy forehead. "It's alright, darling."

The muscles in Shepard's neck were flexing. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly, making it seem like she was trapped in some kind of fever. "Stop! NO!" she moaned, thrashing her head from side to side.

Samantha's brow creased in concern as she watched the distress register on her face. _Liara wasn't kidding. She's definitely restless._ She had to fight the urge to wake Shepard up, knowing that as hard as it was to bear, she greatly needed any form of rest she could get. Instead, Samantha lay down beside her and wrapped a protective arm around her, trying to ignore the growing chill in the cabin's air. Feeling the heat of Shepard's body through the covers, seeing a faint shine of sweat on her forehead and across her chest, Samantha thought about the message she had read before coming up. If it really was Shepard’s mother contacting her, this would probably be yet another burden on top of an already troubled mind. _Or it could help her manage her affairs before the final battle with the Reapers,_ Samantha thought then. Undecided, she buried her worries, along with all knowledge of the message.

"Help!" Shepard cried, squirming under the covers as though trying to break free from a straightjacket. "No. You can't help me... Hayls, help... the fire... it burn _s_... ARRGHH!" A bloodcurdling yell tore from her throat. Shepard jerked out of her sleep with a sharp intake of breath, sitting bolt upright.

"Shepard!?" Samantha gasped, startled by her sudden movement. Shepard heaved great mouthfuls of air. She turned to her left, seeing a shocked Samantha upright beside her. Her eyes were a fiery orange, overpowering their normal green. Traynor touched her clammy face to let her know she was there, feeling the heat radiating off it. After several weary seconds, Shepard leaned in and collapsed against her bosom, exhaling with relief.

"Samantha..."

"I'm here!" Samantha whimpered, holding her close. "I've got you." Feeling her tremble, she lay back down, coaxing Shepard with her. Shepard obliged, and Samantha felt that every muscle in the woman's body on edge.

"Liara?" Shepard mumbled, unable to do much more than say her name.

"Gone," Samantha whispered, sliding her fingers through Shepard's hair affectionately. "It’s just me.”

"Good," Shepard breathed. "Don't... Don't make me do that again."

"I won't," Samantha reassured, feeling terrible for the decision she had made earlier. She kissed Shepard’s head. "I'm sorry. I won't. I promise."

Shepard exhaled in relief. After a few minutes she raised her head. As she stared, Sam noticed her eyes had thankfully returned to their normal green, thought the slight hint of orange still remained like always. Shepard didn't appear fully awake or aware. Without another word, she found Samantha's mouth and began to kiss her intensely, as though only realising that she was there. Samantha felt her breath leave her, and responded in kind. Soon they were wrapped in a passionate embrace, enthusiastically tugging at each other's clothes. There were rips and tears, with buttons popping loose. Feeling the Commander's hand slide under the open buttons of her shirt, Traynor's head began to explode. _Oh God!_ She lay her head back, allowing Shepard to kiss eagerly along her neck as she desperately tried to bury away her troubles in another's arms.

"Oh," Traynor groaned, dragging her fingers along the battle-scarred skin on Commander's bare back under her ripped tank-top. She felt Shepard’s breasts threatening to spill over the neck link, as they pressed down against hers. Suddenly Shepard froze. Samantha looked up at her. “Darling?”

Hovering above her in the semi-darkness, Shepard stared down at her as though she was a stranger.

"Shepard?" Traynor breathed, reaching up to touch her cheek. Shepard’s eyes had a hollow look. There was fear in them such as Samantha had never seen before. After several seconds of heavy breathing, the Commander sighed and rolled off her. She sat, hunched over the edge of the bed, holding her head in her hands.

Concerned, Traynor moved closer, touching her side. "Are you ok?" she whispered.

"I...I can't," Shepard panted. "Can't get it... out of my... argh...Stop!” She slapped her head over and over. “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Samantha soothed, restraining her. She realised then that Shepard definitely wasn’t awake. She was still trapped in a lurid nightmare that had taken over from Liara’s broken Meld. Holding her in a tight hug, Samantha kissed her shoulder. "It's alright, darling. It's alight. I've got you. Come here."

She pulled Shepard into a proper hug as the woman turned around wearily in her arms. Samantha eased her back down and pulled the blankets over them both. Resting Shepard's head on her chest, Samantha resumed combing her hair with her fingers. Trying to fight her own emotions, she closed her eyes, holding the broken warrior. Shepard continued to moan and mumble in her weakened, rawest state, before finally drifting off into another fitful slumber.

#

**Four Days Later**

"We have no more than 48 hours of shore leave. I want everyone back on the Normandy at 0600 hours prepared to leave, understood?"

"SIR!" The Normandy crew replied in unison. They set the time on their Omni-tools and saluted a bedraggled-looking Commander.

"Good,” Shepard said. “Vega, I'll see you later for that drink. Behave yourselves everyone. Dismissed... Specialist Traynor, a word?"

The chatter started up at once as the crew took their much needed days off, leaving Samantha and Shepard alone in the CIC. The Commander watched them depart from the ramp overlooking the Galaxy map, leaning on her arm. When it was just the two of them, she descended, wearing a pleasant smile that detracted from her exhausted appearance. She placed a light kiss on Samantha's lips, and took her hands.

"Dinner?"

Samantha giggled. "Don't you mean breakfast?" she teased. "It's 6am, Shepard."

"Fine, breakfast then. God, you sure know how to turn your nose up at a free meal," Shepard teased.

Traynor poked her in the ribs.

"Hey! Watch it!" the Commander complained, rubbing her side. "They’re still a bit tender."

"Aw toughen up, darling. How do you expect to beat a Reaper with that attitude?"

"Oh, you are dead!" Shepard bent over and scooped her up unexpectedly in a fireman's lift. Samantha yelped in surprise as she found herself face to face with the Commander's behind.

"AH! Put me _down!_ " she laughed, squirming as Shepard walked with her towards the air lock, where the others had just left.

The Commander sniggered. "What was that you were saying before?" she teased, swinging her in circles with ease. "Toughen up?"

"Yes, but not with me! I'm one of the geeks. Now you're just being a bully," Samantha chuckled, feeling the blood rush to her head as she saw the upside-down Normandy flash by.

Shepard laughed. "Well, you're the one who told me I have an attitude problem!"

"Alright I take it back! Now put me down before anyone sees."

"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me, Samantha?"

"Ha! For future reference, Ma'am, any time I enter an establishment with my arse in the air, you can be damned sure I'm going to be mortified no matter who is with me."

Shepard chuckled. "Alright, alright, I'll put you down. Just give me a second to process that mental image."

Samantha smacked her on the bum. "Down! Now!"

Shepard laughed and bent over, placing Samantha back on her feet. As she straightened up, Sam caught her in a kiss and a soft moan of longing. She heard the Commander chuckle, and felt arms wrap around her waist.

"Mm you taste good," Shepard muttered, stealing another quick peck.

"I just brushed my teeth," Samantha replied with a grin. "Cision Pro Mach 4 baby!"

"What are you, advertising for them now or something?"

"No!" Traynor scoffed. "I just have a thing for expensive toothbrushes."

"Oh yeah?" Shepard laughed. "Well, I have a thing for you."

Samantha snorted. "God, that was such a bad line, sweetheart," she giggled, making tiny ringlets with the end of Shepard's hair, staring into her eyes.

"Sorry," Shepard sniggered. "You bring out my cheesy side."

At this Traynor burst out laughing. "You don't _have_ a cheesy side!"

"Hey!" Shepard retorted, mocking offence. "I... _could_ have a cheesy side."

"Hmm, I suppose. But I'm more interested in your backside."

The Commander grinned, backing Samantha against the wall, a hungry look in her eyes. "Now _that_ was a good line, Specialist." She leaned in once more, and kissed her deeply, pinning her against the wall in a very intimate manner.

"Heh-hem!"

The two of them broke apart. Doctor Chakwas had just exited the Normandy behind them. She looked shocked, but rather unsurprised to find the two women kissing in the air lock tunnel.

"Commander," she greeted her, amused.

"What's up Doc?" Shepard grinned, scratching the back of her head shiftily.

"Your libido, apparently," the good Doctor replied with a smirk. "Funny... The tests I did on you while Liara was Melding had no results beyond the natural Melding process. I was beginning to get worried."

Shepard made a face. "Well, maybe Liara just doesn't bring out that side of me anymore. No matter how much she wishes to."

Dr Chakwas grinned. "Perhaps you're right. In any case, I'd be careful if I were you. I'll see you two later. Specialist."

"Ma'am," Traynor greeted her. They gave each other a courteous nod and a smile, before Chakwas disappeared down the tunnel. Sam pressed her face into Shepard's chest to hide her embarrassment. "Oh, did that really happen?" she groaned.

"Hey, come on. It wasn't that bad," Shepard replied, as Sam straightened up again. "She obviously approves."

"I know but... Liara," Traynor sighed sadly.

"Liara had her chance," Shepard said, caressing Samantha's cheek. "She blew it. Well I blew it. Well, I got blown up. Spaced. I... It's complicated."

Samantha giggled. "You don't say."

Shepard's green eyes peered into her brown ones, warm and inviting. "Samantha, you have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. Trust me."

"I..." Samantha exhaled, dropping her gaze. "Trust is something that I have trouble with. After Elena." She felt Shepard's warm palm trace her cheek, and looked up at her again.

"Trust me," Shepard repeated, her eyes burning brightly. After a deep breath, Samantha finally nodded. Shepard kissed her once more then took her hand. They began the tunnel descent out of the Normandy and onto the Citadel. Speaking of trust, guilt now weighed heavily on Samantha’s heart, with the untold secret Shepard's mother's message now wedged tightly between them.


	13. Chapter 13

"You know, you could have let me change into something more elegant before coming here." Samantha threw a grin across the table at Commander Shepard. They were sitting outside an intimate little restaurant in what must have been the quietest possible corner of the Citadel, away from the hustle and bustle of the war efforts and frantic refugees. With its upper class clientele, they stuck out like a sore thumb in their military regs.

The Commander sipped her glass of wine as they waited for their meal, observing Traynor over the rim of her glass. "Hey, I asked you did you want to go to the Presidium and you said no," she reminded her, placing her glass down. "After that, posh restaurants in remote locations with snooty couples are all there is."

Samantha swallowed hard, feeling guilt snake deep in the pit of her stomach. There was a good reason why she didn't want to go to the Presidium. _I know her mother is going to be there, watching, waiting for her. God, should I tell her?_ Remembering the state of the Commander when she had found her a few nights ago, seeing just how troubled her sleep was already, Samantha shuddered. This didn't go unnoticed by the Commander.

"Is everything alright?" Shepard asked, concerned. She reached across the table and took Samantha's hand in hers, "You have been a little distracted since we stepped off the Normandy."

"I..." Samantha didn't know what to say. "I'm fine," she lied. "Just... thinking."

Shepard caressed her hand. "What about?" she asked softly, green eyes peering into the depths of Traynor’s. Samantha glanced down at the Commander's scarred forearm, then squeezed her fingers gently. She realised it was time to come clean.

"Shepard I... I have something to tell you," she began awkwardly. Just at that moment, their breakfast arrived, served on silver platters. Shepard let go of her hand and leaned back, allowing the smartly dressed waiter to place them on the table. He refilled their glasses with wine before leaving them to it.

"Oh, this is what I was telling you about!" Shepard said excitedly, cutting a piece of what looked like pancakes and holding it out. Samantha leaned over and ate it off her fork.

"Mmm!" she approved. "That's gorgeous! What is it?"

"Asari pancakes with syrup and some special ingredient," Shepard said with a grin. "I tried to get Liara to tell me the recipe for years, but she never did." Samantha washed it down with a sip of wine and tried not to seem awkward at the mention of Dr T'Soni. The Commander wasn't fooled though. "Oh come on. One of us was bound to mention her eventually.”

"I know," Traynor replied quickly. "I'm sorry I just... I had an awkward conversation with her after you and she Melded that night."

Shepard's face lined in thought. "Oh, really? What about?"

Samantha squirmed in her seat, then took a bite of fancily cut toast, before helping herself to some strawberries and cream. "Er, well... You," she said truthfully. "She seemed to think there was still something between the two of you, and I got the impression she wanted me to know about it."

"She _what?_ " Shepard questioned, her voice a little high pitched. "Are you serious?"

Traynor nodded. _Oh balls, I hope she doesn't say anything._ "I'm sure it was nothing," Samantha continued quickly, trying to cover up her own insecurities. "Maybe I interpreted it wrong."

"Oh no, you didn't," Shepard said confidently, looking livid. "I'm sure she knew exactly what she was doing. Seeing the two of us together when we Melded obviously wasn't going to be easy for her. We… had another argument after you left us to it that night."

"What? I didn't know. Was it about us?"

The Commander nodded. "I told you she already knew how I felt about you," she reminded her. "I guess seeing you in my cabin like that confirmed her theory that we were seeing each other. Liara wanted me to tell her myself, but I said it was none of her business and asked her to leave."

"Why?" Samantha asked, surprised considering the entirely different response Lieutenant Vega had gotten when he asked about their relationship. "Why didn't you tell her?"

"Because she was asking me like I owed her an explanation," Shepard said angrily, "Like I needed her permission. After _she_ turned her back on _me,_ now I'm the one supposed to feel guilty."

"But she found out anyway when you Melded," Samantha said, confused.

Shepard sighed. "I know," she said quietly, poking at the pancake on her plate with her fork. "I… guess it was a bit unfair of me to let her find out in such brutal fashion, but I was angry with her. Maybe that's why the Meld didn't work.”

“It was. She all but told me that herself.”

Shepard’s jaw twitched. “I knew it was going to be hard for her. I told her I didn’t want it, but she insisted, and I was too exhausted to argue. My headache was terrible by that point. I couldn't do much to stop her."

"I know. You really don't remember waking up beside me later that evening?" Samantha asked curiously.

"No." Shepard shook her head. "I don't remember a thing."

"It took me a while to calm you down. You were pretty distraught."

She saw the Commander grimace at her words. _Maybe she doesn't want to hear this again. I already told her a little about it that morning and got the same reaction._ Samantha reached across the table and took the Shepard's hand once more, reassuring her before she could become too distant. Suddenly a little smile played on the corner of Shepard's lips.

"Tell me about how we almost had sex instead," she teased.

Samantha giggled. "Is that all you ever think about?" she joked, a glint in her eye. “You were trapped in some kind of limbo. I think part of your mind was still stuck in the painful Meld, while the other half was barely conscious.” She released the Commander's hand and took another sip of wine.

Shepard laughed. "Sue me," she shrugged, not giving a damn, "What would you rather hear? A story about fun sexy times, or a story about how pathetic you look suffering from PTSD?"

Samantha sighed, serious then. "It wasn't pathetic, Shepard," she said sympathetically, staring into the woman's eyes. _How can she think like that?_

Shepard snorted and glanced down at her plate. "Yeah, right," she scoffed, stabbing her pancake miserably and shoving a piece into her mouth.

Traynor sighed again, watching her as she tried to avoid eye contact. _God, we're supposed to be having fun, aren't we?_ Not knowing what else to do, she swung her leg out under the table and kicked Shepard's leg hard.

"Ow!" the woman exclaimed, giving her a look, "What the fuck was that for?"

Samantha laughed, hand across her mouth. "I don't know! I-I was just trying to change the subject!"

"Well then ask me how my day went or... or tell me how good I am in bed. Don't fucking... God, that was right on the shin!" she groaned, leaning down and rubbing her leg, her slight anger giving way to laughter then. Soon the rest of intimate couples in the restaurant were giving them weird looks as they giggled hysterically.

"I'm sorry," Samantha squeaked, tears of laughter filling her eyes. "I didn't mean to do it that hard. I didn't think it would hurt you!"

Shepard held her side, laughing even more. "Didn't think it would hurt?" she repeated. "I'm a woman, not a robot. I _can_ still bruise you know."

"God, I didn't know you were such a woose!”

"I am not!" Shepard protested. "I'm a fucking Spectre!"

"What, Spectre of the woose brigade?"

"Uh, says the woman who's afraid of cats," Shepard countered.

"Eh, I’m allergic actually. There’s a difference.”

"I don't think you're allergic to half the stuff you think you are, Samantha," Shepard laughed. "You're a bit of a hypochondriac."

"How the bloody hell would you know?" Samantha laughed.

"It's my job to know. I'm a Spectre," Shepard reminded her. "We have Intel about these things you know. Eyes and ears everywhere."

"Yes, I'm sure," Sam replied sceptically, rolling her eyes as the Commander grinned playfully. "You're still a bloody big woose."

Shepard growled. "Heh-hem! Let me give you a short summary of some of the shit I've done, Comm Specialist Traynor. I think you'll retract that statement."

"Try me," Sam replied, waiting.

"Number one: Saved the Citadel from Saren and his Geth."

"Woose."

"Number two: Spoke to a Reaper, and then blew it up."

"Woose."

"Three! Followed the Collectors through the Omega 4 relay and destroyed their base on a suicide mission."

"Woose!"

"FOUR! CAME BACK FROM THE FUCKING DEAD!"

"WOOOSSEE!"

Samantha wore a cheeky grin as she waited for the Commander's next move. Shepard sighed and stroked her chin, contemplating something.

"Sorry about this," she said then.

"What?" Sam asked suspiciously. Before she could move, or even try to escape, the Commander reached out and slathered a handful of whipped cream all over her face. Samantha gasped, her mouth agape.

"Oh, you bitch!" she exclaimed in shock, wiping a little with her hands so she could see, and shaking it onto the table. She could hear Shepard's satisfied laughter. Samantha grabbed the syrup spoon and flicked it at her. Golden liquid splashed across Shepard's face, wiping the smile away instantly.

"Ugh, sticky!" she complained, trying to lick some away. It was Samantha's turn to laugh now. Suddenly they began tossing the food on the table at each other, giggling and dodging the other's throws.

"What are you—GET OUT!" the owner yelled, rushing towards them, appalled at their behaviour. "GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!"

Laughing, Shepard got to her feet and dragged Samantha away, snatching her glass of wine of the table. They ran out of the restaurant, chased all the way to the nearest elevator by the French owner brandishing a baguette over his head, screaming in blinding rage.

Shepard pressed the button in the lift as Sam leaned on her legs, trying to catch her breath. "God, I thought he was going to kill us!" Traynor laughed, wiping the whipped cream off her face with her sleeve.

"I guess we won't be going back there again," Shepard chuckled, taking a gulp of wine she had stolen. "Man, you fight dirty. I've got syrup in my fucking hair!"

"Eh, look at my face!" Samantha gestured to the remaining cream covered portion around her mouth and chin.

Shepard laughed. "I got it." She pinned Samantha back against the wall, who gave into her sudden dominance. Shepard, still holding the glass of wine in one hand, leaned in and began to kiss along her neck, clearing up the whipped cream as she went.

"Oh God," Samantha moaned, feeling herself go weak in the knees. Shepard sure knew how to get a reaction from her. Before she knew it, their lips met. Samantha became lost in a passionate trace, cajoled into obedience by the Commander's wondrous tongue. Her arousal was building rapidly. She ran her hands down Shepard's back and rested them on her behind, only becoming aware of the Commander's fingers, massaging between her legs through her trousers. For a few moments they had almost forgotten where they were. That was until-

_Bing!_

The lift stopped prematurely. Traynor opened her eyes and looked over the Commander's shoulder, finding herself face to face with around ten or so people, all staring open-mouthed. "Eh, Shepard?"

Shepard stopped kissing her neck and turned around. She sniggered, clearly not embarrassed in the slightest. "Why don't you get the next one, guys? This one's full." She reached over before they could respond and pressed the button, closing the doors on the stunned crowd of people and turning back to Samantha.

Sam chuckled. _She's unbelievable._ She found the woman's lips once more, amazed as ever at how Shepard seemed to stroll through life, causing havoc, making up her own rules as she went.

It wasn’t long before the elevator binged open again. Samantha rearranged her clothing when it did, still riding the waves of her quick orgasm. "The Presidium?" she asked then, realising where they had stopped.

"Yeah, why?" Shepard asked, waiting for her to exit the elevator. Samantha hovered at the doors. Shepard was staring at her questioningly, holding out her hand, wondering why she wouldn't take it. Traynor bit her lip.

"Can't we go somewhere else?" she asked, grimacing. _Crap, I really should have told her about her mother's message before now. We're definitely going to bang into her here._

Shepard's eyebrows narrowed. "Ok, something’s definitely going on with you today? What are you so afraid of coming here?"

"I'm not afraid," Samantha replied quickly. "I'm just—"

"Samantha," Shepard interrupted softly, walking back towards her and cradling her face in her hands. She placed a quick, gentle kiss on her lips then gave her a reassuring smile. "Whatever it is, it'll be fine. We're just going for a walk, nothing's going to happen. Liara's not even here."

Traynor swallowed. _God, she thinks this is about Liara._ She found it hard to say no when Shepard looked at her like that. Finally she sighed in defeat. "All right."

"Good."

Reluctantly, she allowed the Commander to take her hand and lead the way. They walked along the pantry together, arm in arm, gazing out at the wonderful scenery which was marred only slightly by the Cerberus coup. Every few minutes Sam glanced over her shoulder, looking for any sign of Shepard's mother. _What does she even look like though? I wonder if they look alike._

They passed Tali arguing with a Turian diplomat, and settled in the far corner of the Presidium. Shepard hovered behind Samantha, an arm resting either side of her, holding onto the rail. Their cheeks pressed together as she leaned her chin on Samantha’s shoulder. Silently, they watched C-Sec officers in the distance repair the damages that had blemished the never-ending beauty of the Presidium.

"It's gorgeous here," Samantha breathed, enjoying the warmth of the woman pressed against her back. She smiled as Shepard placed a light kiss on her cheek.

"It's not bad," the Commander muttered in her ear. "I could think of better places to take you once this war is over though."

Sam looked back at her. "Oooo," she swooned. "That sounds serious."

"Well, maybe it is," Shepard grinned, kissing her again. "When all this bullshit’s over I'd love to get away for a bit. Somewhere where there's no Organics and no Synthetics. Somewhere remote, sunny, peaceful. Somewhere just to get away from the rest of the Galaxy, and... relax."

Samantha heard the longing in her voice. "God, that sounds amazing," she whispered, imagining it in her head. They both fell silent then, knowing the chances of it happening were very slim; impossible almost.

"Samantha, I've... never felt this way about anyone before," Shepard admitted, sounding as though she was frightened at the prospect. Samantha redirected Shepard’s hands from their fierce grip on the rail, and brought the Commander's arms around her.

"I know," she replied, watching the flowers in the Presidium garden sway gently. "I feel it too." Somehow this was easier to say when they weren't looking at each other, when they weren't able to see the sadness in the other's eyes at the fact that no matter how much they loved each other this war was going to tear them apart eventually. Every second spent together was precious, as they tried to cram what would have been a lifetime of happiness into a short window.

"I just wish we could have had more time," Shepard lamented. Sam turned around then, resting her arms around the Commander's shoulders.

"Don't talk like that," she pled, trying to ignore how much it hurt.

"Do you think we would have been good together?" Shepard asked, smiling.

Sam grinned. "I think we'd drive each other up the walls, darling."

They both chuckled.

"I'm not that hard to live with, am I?" Shepard teased.

"Not at all. Not unless you like being shot at everywhere you go, chucked out of posh restaurants, exploding vehicles, dead bodies and angry diplomats. You know... that sort of thing. Apart from that you're fine."

Shepard sniggered. "Well, you certainly know how to make a girl feel wanted. Why do you think I want to go somewhere remote? I spend all my time fixing everyone else's messes. I think I'd like to make some of my own. Isn't that what holidays are for?"

"Aww sweetness, you've never been on a holiday before have you?" Samantha teased, feeling sorry for her.

Shepard laughed. "Actually, no."

"I guess I'll have to come with you then, show you how it's done,” Samantha said. “Shoot, I'll have to get the passport system on my Omni-tool renewed though. It's been years since I've travelled anywhere on Earth."

"I was going to stick you in my suitcase anyway," the Commander joked. "Besides, once I kick Reaper ass they're bound to name a country after me or something. I'll just get Joker to fly you in on the Normandy and no one will be any the wiser."

Samantha giggled. "You're insane," she said affectionately, caressing Shepard's cheek.

The Commander laughed. "Tell me something I don't know."

At this, Sam faltered. She knew the time had come to tell Shepard the truth. The guilt of her secret had caught up with her, yet a part of her was still reluctant to break up this happy, intimate moment between them. Shepard seemed to guess something was on her mind.

"Samantha?" she said worriedly. "You have that look again. What's going on? You know I'm only kidding about this whole—"

"It's not about this, Shepard," Samantha interrupted. _Aww, she thinks I'm freaking out about our future together._ She sighed. "There's just something I have to tell you. Something I should have told you days ago."

"Let me guess. You're pregnant."

Samantha chucked despite herself. "Very funny. Can you stop joking for two seconds? Please? This is serious."

The Commander eyed her warily. "O...k," she replied, wondering where this was going. "This isn't 'the talk' is it? Because I'm going to feel like a right idiot after everything I've just said."

"No! Oh, good Lord, it's nothing like that," Samantha exclaimed, wanting to clear that up right off the bat. _She thought I was breaking up with her? That would be the cruellest break up in history!_

The Commander seemed to relax a little then. She exhaled in relief. "Alright, so what's going on? You've been a little off all day."

"Sorry, I guess I'm just... feeling guilty," Samantha muttered. "I don't even know if I've done the right thing and... and it wasn't even my call to make."

"Hey, it's alright," Shepard reassured, rubbing her sides. "Talk to me, Samantha. I'm going crazy over here."

Sam took a deep breath, trying to steel herself. "A few days ago, when I was waiting for Liara to finish your Meld... I found an untitled message at my terminal."

Shepard's expression was one of confusion. "Great, so what'd it say?"

Sam swallowed over the lump in her throat. She had no idea why this was so hard to tell her but she had a feeling that Shepard would be angry with her and had no desire to be on her bad side. _Oh God, I bet her bad side is bloody terrifying!_ "Well," she continued. "It was... It was for you."

_Oh come on, Samantha. Spit it out! Get it over with!_

Shepard seemed to be putting two and two together now. "And I didn't get it," she realised, helping her along.

Traynor bit her lip nervously, and shook her head. "I didn't forward it to you like I usually do," she admitted, ashamed.

Shepard released her slowly then, eyeing her warily. "Ok," she said stiffly. "Why not?"

"Well. it was someone asking you to meet."

"Let me guess," Shepard prompted, starting at their surroundings. "On the Presidium?" Traynor nodded. The Commander sighed, her jaw tightening. "Alright, so who was it from, this mysterious message?"

Samantha stayed quiet. An image of Commander Shepard thrashing around in her sleep entered her brain again. She wished she had of kept it a secret. _I was only trying to protect her. Maybe this wasn't the best way though. But it's going to sound worse me telling her now! Oh God, what do I do?_

"Traynor, that was an order," Shepard said firmly. "Who sent me that message, and what did it say?"

_Tell her, you idiot! You're making it worse!_ Before Samantha could open her mouth they were interrupted.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the hero on everyone's lips!"

Samantha saw the Commander's eyes widen, and shock register on her face. They both turned to face a dark-haired, heavily tattooed woman standing a few feet away. Her arms were folded, and she held a lit cigarette in her hand. She was wearing a smirk that so resembled her daughter’s. Despite her gaunt face, Samantha realised that she was still very attractive. She had passed her looks onto her only child, though Shepard wore them better, even with the numerous scars she sported. The woman facing them had her fair share of scars too. They were etched up her arms, visible due to the leather biker vest she wore, accompanied by a pair of ripped jeans and black, high-heeled boots. She looked like she'd just stepped out of a rock concert.

_Good Lord,_ that's _her mother?_ Samantha glanced from Shepard to the woman and back again, afraid to speak.

"You!?" the Commander growled, orange flashing dangerously in her green eyes.

Her mother laughed, exhaling a plume of smoke. "Hey, kiddo. It's been a while."


	14. Chapter 14

"What the fuck do you want?"

Shepard's voice was full of venom, her eyes on fire as she observed the middle-aged woman before her. Although they looked alike, the Commander's eyes still held a kind of warmth, whereas her mother's were completely devoid of sentiment. Ringed with black eye-shadow, they started at their only child, seemingly amused by her reaction, like this was something to be expected.

Samantha glanced from the Commander to her mother, waiting for her response. Her mother’s cackle of laughter brought chills to her spine.

"Now, now, kid! Is that any way to talk to your Momma?" she mocked in her Southern drawl, taking a draw of her cigarette. She blew smoke through the corner of her mouth. Samantha waved it away with a cough.

"I wouldn't know. She wasn't around long enough for it to matter," Shepard replied coldly.

"Touché! Some things never change. I see you've still got that smart mouth and nasty temper on you."

"What, you mean since the last time you saw me? That was almost twenty years ago, you sack of shit. What's dragged you out of the woodwork now, I wonder? Whatever it is, you can deal with it on your own. I’m out of here."

At this, her mother's expression became serious. "Look kiddo I... I need your help," she said awkwardly, flicking her cigarette butt into the Presidium flowers that Samantha had been admiring moments before.

_Eugh! Litterbug!_

Now it was the Commander's turn to laugh. Samantha watched her shake her head in disbelief. Chuckling humourlessly, she turned away, gripping the rail of the Presidium’s edge, staring out at the miraculous view. "Unbelievable," Shepard breathed with a forced smile. "I should have known."

Her mother moved in beside her, desperation oozing from her body language. Clearly she wasn't against begging if the situation called for it. "Hayls," she said gruffly, clutching her arm. "Do this one thing for me, please. I've missed you all these years, ya know?"

Samantha jumped, startled by Shepard’s violent flinch away from the woman's touch, like it awoke some unpleasant memories in her. The smile seeped off her face, replaced with a dangerous snarl. "Don't fucking touch me, Amanda! Or whatever name you go by these days. And no one calls me Hayls anymore."

"Why not? Too many painful memories?"

"Of you?" Shepard scoffed. "There aren't _enough_ memories of you to begin with.”

"God, kid, are you ever going to get over that? You're a grown woman for Christ's sake. You didn't need a mother then and you don't need one now, so what's the problem, huh?"

"What's the problem?" Shepard echoed. "Are you fucking kidding me? You don't see any problem with how you've lived your life?"

Amanda scoffed. "Why the fuck would I? I stayed true to myself. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and let nobody stand in my way! Aren't you doing the same damn thing? We're not all that different, Hayls."

"I'm nothing like you!" Shepard snarled viciously. "I don't use people then discard them like they mean nothing to me. Now I’m leaving. I swore to myself I wouldn’t waste any more time on you, and I meant it."

Shepard turned away from them both and began her departure.

"Hey, don't try and fool me!” Amanda called after her. “I saw that vid of you gunning down your old partner!”

The Commander froze mid-step. Samantha’s stomach dropped. _And… triggered._

Amanda, seeming oblivious to the pending danger, or rather inviting it, took a few steps closer. “That Spectre dude, Kai—something,” she continued. A jeer crossed her lips, as she stared at Shepard’s back. “Ain’t that the little bitch you used to fuck on the side?”

Shepard’s fists balled. Samantha noticed she was physically shaking with rage. “Don’t mention his name,” came Shepard’s gritted response.

“Hell, I don’t blame you. Ooo wee, he was a looker! He must have been pretty good in the sack to tame your wild ways.”

“Shut it.“

“Of course, I know you like to swing both ways. This little caramel noggin here another notch in your bedpost?” She nodded her head at Traynor.

Shepard grasped the rail again for support. “I said, shut your mouth.”

Unable to see her face, Samantha was wondering why she hadn’t reacted, but then it struck her. _She’s traumatised. This woman seems to have some kind of hold over her, like a pattern of abuse that has reignited._

“Why do you think I contacted you?" Amanda pressed on, sounding almost proud. "Why do you think I got in touch after all this time, huh? After everything I've done to claim the skies, and my own daughter comes out as top pirate instead, captaining one of the most notorious frigates of all time! You're a living legend, Hayley. You put that old partner of yours down like the cold-hearted bitch you are!"

At this, Shepard finally snapped. She spun and grabbed Amanda by the scruff of her leather jacket, radiating orange. She pressed her back against the rail. "You think I'm a fucking pirate? Like you? I work for the Goddamn Alliance. I don't sail the skies raiding helpless ships as they pass."

"Aw, come on, we all have our covers," her mother laughed, displaying a golden veneer. "You don't take orders from anyone, Spectre. You're a law unto yourself. I can respect that. Hell, I envy you!"

Shepard shook her one last time and released her. "I didn't want to kill Kaidan. He was my friend. Believe me I took no pleasure in it. He was just... doing his duty. And I was doing mine."

"Ah, whatever!" her mother replied, straightening her dishevelled leather. "Look I don't really give a damn about all that. You came to see me, and that's all that matters."

"Actually, I didn’t," Shepard said. "It seems I was tricked."

Samantha gulped as Shepard stared her way.

"But you're here, ain’t ya?" Amanda continued. "And I've got a big proposition for ya, kiddo. You ain't gon wanna miss it."

"What? Emancipation? Did I officially stop being your daughter?" Shepard joked bitterly. "Because that'd be the best fucking thing I've heard in years."

"Hey, your father was the reason you never had a mother, so—"

"Don't you _dare_ blame him!"

Feeling awkward and intrusive in a reunion that should have been private, Samantha cleared her throat. "Well, I'll... just be going then," she said lightly, pointing in a few different directions, not caring where she was heading, but knowing that she had to get away. Before she could move, Commander Shepard reached out and grabbed her arm, vice-like and firm.

"Don't move!" she ordered harshly, her eyes wild with fury. "I haven't finished with you.”

Terrified, Samantha remained rooted to the spot. There was a coldness in Shepard’s tone that had never been directed her way before. Berating herself inwardly, Samantha gave a shaky nod. "Y-yes, Ma'am," she whimpered.

"Oh, let the little skank go!" Amanda interjected. "She has nothing to do with this!"

Shepard released Samantha and turned in a flash, grabbing Amanda by the throat this time, almost lifting her off her feet. "Keep your fucking nose out of my business, or I swear I'll-"

"You'll what?" her mother retorted, unafraid despite the fact that there could have been steam rising from Shepard's ears. Angering the most fearsome fighter in her Galaxy didn't seem to faze her in the slightest. "You gonna hit me?” she egged. “Wouldn't be the first time."

"I was twelve!" Shepard protested. "And you fucking deserved it! My father let you walk all over him, and I couldn't stand it anymore!"

"Your father was pathetic. Why do you think I left him in the first place? Oh, Jack thought he could change me. He wanted to play house and turn me into something I wasn't, so I left. Sue me! Don't act like you wouldn't do the same damn thing in my shoes."

"Not if I had a one-year-old child!" Shepard yelled, heavy with emotion now. Her grip around her mother’s throat tightened. "Then you had the balls to come waltzing back, eleven years later. You pretended you'd changed and we welcomed you back with open arms. But you just stole from us! You left us with nothing but the clothes on our backs and an empty apartment, then took off on you ship with your scumbag crew—“

"And you haven't seen me since," her mother finished, unsympathetic, rolling her eyes. She released herself from Shepard’s grip, before her windpipe was crushed. "Yeah, yeah, the abandoned child routine. Heard it all before, Hayls... But, I'm here now, ain't I? So just chill the fuck out."

"Only because you want something. Why the fuck would I help you after everything you've done? You didn't even come back for the memorial service!” Shepard’s eyes shone with tears. “I had to watch my father burn to death then bury him without a body, alone on Earth because you gave a damn about no one but yourself. You didn't see what happened on Mindoir."

"Forget about that, will you?"

"Forget about it!?" Shepard shrieked, cracking her knuckles. "I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I was sixteen! I can't get it out of my head! I watched it fucking burn! All of it! So don't you dare tell me to 'forget about it'! You have no idea what it was like!"

Samantha could feel her eyes fill with tears. A silence fell between them, and she realised the agony she had put Shepard through by bringing her here. She understood now why Shepard had kept everything under wraps, not letting her exterior crack when she still had a war to fight. _And I’ve broken it when she least expected it. What if she never forgives me?_ Amanda sighed, glancing at Traynor before continuing, trying to re-route the conversation with a gentler tone of voice. Even she seemed to realise that she had gone too far.

"Look, I'm sorry, kiddo. You’re right. I wasn’t there... But despite what you may think of me I'm still your momma. And I don't want you to die fighting these Reapers," she said, watching the glowing orange eyes of Shepard flash dangerously. "What I'm asking you to do now will benefit both of us. I'll give you my crew and assets for the war effort to do as you see fit. If you really hate me that much then send me into fucking battle with them! Just hear me out before you pull a Jack, and turn your nose up at anything unorthodox."

"Don't talk about him like—"

Samantha couldn't take any more. _This is horrible._ Shepard laid into her mother again with almost twenty years of pent up aggression having been coaxed out of her. Traynor took a deep breath and turned away, seeing her moment to escape.

She was shaking from head to foot by the time she reached the Normandy and climbed aboard. Thankfully everyone, apart from a few servicemen, was on the Citadel, still enjoying their shore leave. Samantha paced the CIC, fighting the urge to cry. How was Commander Shepard going to react to her betrayal? The idea of keeping the message a secret from her seemed silly and juvenile now. _And I lied to her the whole day,_ Sam relented, berating herself for her stupidity _. I shouldn't have gotten involved. I should have just told her the truth and let her handle it herself, then been there for her if it went tits up._

Wondering why she didn't think of that in the first place, Traynor grabbed a handful of her hair. She groaned, closing her eyes for a moment to think of how she could make this up to her.

#

 

A few hours later, Traynor was perched on the bottom of Shepard's bed, holding a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy with a small purple ribbon tied around it in a bow. As soon as she heard the elevator doors ping open, signalling Shepard's arrival, her heart began to thump wildly in anticipation. The Commander opened the door and stepped inside. She rested her back against it, closing her eyes, not realising that she wasn't alone.

"Hi," Samantha said awkwardly, getting to her feet to announce her presence.

Shepard jolted awake. She searched the cabin, her tired eyes meeting Samantha's apologising brown ones. After a seconds paused, the Commander straightened away from the door, embarrassed at having been caught stealing a private moment to herself. Slowly, she descended the stairs in her cabin, determinedly not looking in Samantha’s direction. She began to take off the outer half of her Alliance uniform.

"What are you doing here?"

Shepard’s voice was cold and distant. She tossed her blue jacket aside, revealing a black tank top that clung to her muscled torso. Samantha took a deep breath and walked towards her, as Shepard sat down in the elegant lounge, and started untying her boots.

"I...I just wanted to see if you were alright,” she began in a small voice. Shepard didn’t reply. “I got this for you."

Samantha held the brandy out to her. The Commander ignored it, pulling off her boots and getting to her feet. She walked past Samantha as though she wasn't there, and began to rifle through the mountain of datapads on her desk, her dog tags swinging back and forth. Samantha sighed, and placed the bottle of brandy on the table instead. "Shepard I... I'd like to apologise for earlier," she said cautiously, seeing a muscle in the Commander's jaw twitch. "I-I should have told you about that message."

"Yeah, no shit," Shepard replied dryly, still not looking at her.

"I wanted to, I did!" Samantha pressed on, stumbling over her words. "I just thought... Well, I just thought it was best not to. You already have enough trouble sleeping, and—" She recoiled as Shepard fired the pile of datapads at the wall, breaking them into pieces.

"Damn it!" Shepard gasped, holding her head with a shaky hand. She lowered herself onto the nearest chair, breathing heavily as though fighting against succumbing to her overflowing emotions. Even in front of someone close to her, she couldn’t let go completely. Samantha bent down beside her, placing a hand on her leg. "Don't!" Shepard snapped, brushing her away as though she had no urge to be close to her. "Just... don't."

"I'm sorry," Samantha apologised, unable to express just how much it were so. "I was just trying to protect you. I-I know it was stupid, but-"

"You had no right!" Shepard replied, her anger flaring up again. She jumped to her feet and walked away. "You had no right to keep that message from me," she said, turning back to Sam who was close to tears now.

"I was going to tell you, but I just didn't know how," Traynor replied, straightening up and standing rather helplessly with her arms by her side. "For the last few days I've been wrecking my brain, trying to figure out what to do. I didn’t want to hurt you."

"So you just lied about it?" Shepard asked in disbelief, looking more upset than Traynor had ever seen her. "Jesus Christ, Samantha, I was worried sick about you the entire day because I knew something was bothering you. I thought you were having second thoughts about us, that Liara had said something to put you off or... or something bad had fucking happened to you. And all that time it was this!?"

"I know, I know! I made a mistake!" Samantha cried, unable to stop her tears from falling now. She felt mortified for weeping in front of her when she was the one in the wrong, but she couldn’t hold it in any longer. "I had no idea what you mother was like," she said. "If I had, I—"

"You'd what?" Shepard yelled. "I told you how much I hated that bitch, and you walked me right into her fucking trap. She was horrible to me growing up, and that’s whenever she was actually around. You knew she was waiting for me this whole time. If you had of came clean in the first place, I'd never have set foot there!"

"I...I couldn't find the right moment," Samantha answered lamely, grasping at straws.

"Don’t give me that. I gave you so many opportunities to be straight with me today, Samantha, and you continued to lie through your teeth," Shepard said, shaking her head as though seeing her in a different light.

"I thought it'd be alright in the end!” Samantha said. “That's why I gave in and allowed you to go. I thought I was re-writing my original mistake of not telling you.” Hearing herself say it aloud, she heard how ridiculous her reasoning sounded. "I had no idea just how angry she'd make you."

"Get a good gloat, did you?" Shepard asked. "Get a good laugh at my expense? My dear old mother always did know how to put on a show. I bet you think I'm the fucking bad guy after seeing me lay hands on her.”

"No! Shepard, of course I don't!" Sam replied, taking a step towards her. "I don't blame you in the slightest for reacting the way you did. She's... She's... W-What did she want in the end?"

A moment of tense silence passed between them.

"For me to get Commander Bailey to clear her criminal record so she could operate within Citadel-Controlled Space again," Shepard said finally, sounding ashamed. "Typical! The whole Galaxy going to ruin around her, and she's still thinking of no one but herself… And you know the worst part? I fucking did it! She always did have good connections, and her crew have been terrorising the Galaxy for years, running half the Terminus Systems. They have more advanced equipment than most armies. The war effort could use them dearly," Her hands balled up into fists. "God, this fucking war is making me sell my very soul! I can't do this anymore!"

Her voice cracked. She lashed out at the lamp on the bedside table in frustration, knocking it to the floor along with the framed display of her old dog tags. Hearing it smash, Samantha flinched. Shepard leaned over her desk with both hands, her head bowed. She looked broken and battered, a shell of the woman she had been. It was only then, that Samantha fully understood exactly what this war must have been doing to her. She was being forced to go against her morals and everything she stood by just to try and get a slight upper-hand against a hopeless cause. And it was killing her as sure as the Reapers were.

"I can’t imagine what I’ve put you through," Traynor said softly. “She must have hurt you deeply.”

Shepard snorted. "Yeah," she sighed, kicking the remains of the lamp aside with her toe and collapsing onto the end of her bed beside her pillow. "And she's not the only one..."

At this, Samantha's guilt squirmed in her stomach. She felt sickened for all the secrecy. _Five days. Five days I had to tell her about this and I didn't! God, I'm such an idiot._ Unable to stay away from her, she sat by Shepard’s side, wondering what she could do to try and show the woman just how sorry she was. She reached out, attempting to take her hand. The Commander shook her off, though not as forcefully this time.

"Shepard," Samantha pled, wishing desperately that she would look at her. “Tell me what I can do to make this right? I can’t bear it.”

"I... I think you should leave," Shepard muttered, staring down at her hands. she fidgeted with them to avoid making eye contact.

Traynor’s heart broke. "W-what?" she sniffled.

Shepard exhaled. "You disobeyed a direct order, Samantha." Her words were barely a whisper, but she may as well have shouted for the effect they had.

"You… You're not going to… to fire me are you?" Samantha gasped.

Shepard sighed. "I couldn't, even if I wanted to."

"Shepard, I didn't mean to hurt you!" She cried, grabbing her arm. "I was j-just..."

"I know," Shepard replied sadly. "Just... leave me alone, Samantha... I can't even look at you right now."

Samantha stared at her for several seconds, letting her tears fall. Reluctantly, she got to her feet. _Oh god. This can't be._ As she reached the door she looked back, seeing Shepard slide onto the floor among the mess she had made. She wrapped her arms around her knees, trying to keep herself from falling apart. Wiping her running mascara, Samantha turned and exited the cabin, walking into the elevator. She pressed the button to the Crew Deck and, as soon as the doors had closed, broke down into huge, heaving sobs.


	15. Chapter 15

"Tray, are you even listening to me?"

Samantha jolted out of her sombre mood having realised she had completely zoned out of the conversation she and Vega were having again. The two of them were sitting around the poker table in the Normandy's lounge, waiting for last minute checks before leaving dry dock. They had drinks resting in front of them among the coloured chips and cards.

"Hm?"

Seeing Samantha's vacant expression yet again, James sighed. " _Mierda_ , can you stop thinking about Shepard for five seconds?"

Traynor's expression turned sad, and she tossed her cards back onto the table, not feeling like playing anymore. "No," she replied truthfully, shaking her head and staring down into her martini, swirling the olive around by its stick.

Vega seemed taken aback by her honesty. "Really? Not at all?"

Sam brought a hand to her face and closed her eyes. "Honestly, I can't get her out of my head, James. What if she never speaks to me again?"

"She will, trust me," James soothed. Samantha had filed him in on as little information as possible, hoping to keep the Commander's business private while still confiding in her friend and getting some much needed advice. "Shepard's not like that. She's not going to leave you hanging out to dry for much longer. Just give her some time."

"But she's been avoiding me the last day and a half! Shore leave was so dull without her," Samantha groaned, looking at him helplessly. "Hasn't anyone seen her?"

"EDI said she left to go visit the Asari Councillor about an hour ago," Vega informed her, chucking his cards away too, realising there was no hope of them continuing their game. "That's the first anyone's heard from her since... well... since I found you huddled in the corner of the CIC, crying your eyes out."

"Oh God, please don't bring it up again," Samantha pled, feeling her cheeks burn. She had been sobbing silently at her terminal after Shepard had asked her to leave her cabin, trying to busy herself with some Quantum Mechanics revision. "I feel like a bloody idiot."

"Chill out! Your secret's safe with me, _chica_. I know how much you care about her," James replied kindly.

"You've only seen us together the once," Sam said, half-amused, half-confused by his words.

James chuckled. "That you know of!" As Samantha made a face, he realised his mistake. "Wait... that came out wrong. Ha, fuck! What I meant was, I knew all along you had a bit of a thing for her. I've seen the way you look at her. To be honest, that was the real reason I knew your sexuality that first time we had a drink on the Citadel."

"You mean, when you said you saw me check out more ladies than you... you meant you saw me checking out Shepard?" Samantha asked, surprised. She had thought she had been subtle about her growing attraction to the woman. _Obviously not._

Vega chuckled. "Yeah, I mean I saw you give a few other women the eye here and there too, but I was right, wasn't I?" he teased, wearing a satisfied grin, "When I left you at the bar, who showed up? None other than the legend herself. BOOM! I am always right! Sexy and smart. Check. Me. OUT! BAM! BAM!" He flexed his muscles in her face, giving her different poses every few seconds.

At this Samantha allowed herself a giggle. It was the first time she had cracked a smile since her argument with the Commander and it felt a little strange, what with the uncomfortable weight still resting on her heart. James seemed to have a knack for bringing out her good side though, whether she felt like being happy or not. For such a fearsome soldier, he really was a warm-hearted, down to Earth kind of guy. _Aw, if only I were straight,_ she joked silently.

"Wey! Look at that! You finally cracked a smile," he laughed, holding up his glass in toast. Sam reluctantly lifted hers and clinked it against his, the clear liquid sloshing over the side slightly.

"I'll crack you one in a minute," she joked, showing him her fist. The Lieutenant threw back his head in laughter and got to his feet.

"Oh, you wanna go?" he coaxed, beginning to sway like a boxer with his fists in front of his face. "Come on, Tray. Put 'em up! Let's see what you got."

Sam drained the last of her drink and jumped up, sliding out from behind the table and beginning to spar with him.

**Jab, jab, straight! Jab, straight, hook!**

"Nice!" James approved, having been forced back to the door to flee her well-aimed combination of punches. "You've been holding out on me, girl. Come on! Get that anger out. I know you wanna hit me!"

Traynor laughed and aimed a few more digs at his head, watching him dodge them with ease as they danced around the lounge together like it was a make-shift ring. Suddenly the door slid open.

"Oh, great! I was getting sick and tired of Poker," Garrus approved. He, Cortez, Liara, and Joker entered the Port Observation Lounge. "This is much more interesting. My creds are on Traynor! 100-1."

"Hell, I'll take that bet! Get ready to see James wipe the floor with her," Joker chipped in excitedly. Liara and Cortez chuckled and settled themselves on the stools at the mini bar. Samantha and James grinned as they continued to box.

"First blood?" Sam asked, avoiding Vega's deliberately slow punches. He was going easy on her.

James looked wary. "Are you fucking kidding me, girl?"

"What's the matter, Jay? Are you scared?" she teased wickedly. The rest of the crew whooped and cheered.

"Ouch, that's fighting talk, that is!" Joker laughed. "Ok, I've changed my mind. I've changed my mind... 200-1 Traynor breaks Vega's nose."

"Oh, I like those odds," Liara giggled. "Count me in, Joker. Get him, Specialist Traynor!"

"Ah, hell!" James shouted, dodging a few more of Samantha's combinations. "This ain't fair! I don't wanna hit a girl!"

"Neither do I," Traynor mocked. The Lieutenant growled.

"This isn't the time to be a gentleman, Vega!" Cortez yelled, mixing himself and Liara a drink. "I've got your back _, amigo_! 200 creds! Take her out!"

The crew laughed and jeered as Vega continued to circle Samantha, unwilling to get close for more than a few seconds.

Traynor chuckled. "Come on, you big sissy. I can take it," she said, breathing heavily.

James snorted, covering his face as she laid a few more punches on him. "Sissy? Hold up, you went through basic military training with the Alliance right?"

Samantha frowned. "Yes," **Jab, jab, hook**! "Why, do you ask?"

The Marine laughed then, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Good, that's all I needed to know. You're going down, _Chiquita_!"

Suddenly Samantha's reflexes brought her out of harm's way, as an onslaught of punches almost took her head off. Their audience cheered loudly as Vega won back the upper hand. He had clearly been holding back before.

_Aw crap, I'm for it now!_

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Cortez yelled, punching the air. "Get ready to pay up, guys!"

Samantha swung for James hard then, and grazed the side of his face. He flinched, taken aback and felt his cheek. "Aw, come on, Tray. That was pitiful!" he mocked, snorting like a bull.

"Oh shut up, I'm a tiny little woman," she laughed, dodging a few more of his haymakers. "Ah, CRAP!" Her head flung back as one of James' flying fists accidentally caught her left eye. A momentary flash of red in her sight told her she had lost the fight. As she staggered James' chiselled arms caught her, and he was immediately checking to see if she was alright.

"Traynor? Can you hear me? Look up," he said worriedly, cradling her face in his hands and tilting it up into the light. The others stopped cheering for Vega and crowded around to see the damage.

"It's just a scratch," Samantha winced, a little as James brought the end of his t-shirt to her face to stop the blood flow. "Good fight, Vega. I almost had you for a second though."

The others laughed and went back to their seats, seeing she was ok. James helped her onto the nearest chair. "Are you sure you're alright, man?" he asked concerned, having not meant to hit her that hard. "I was still going easy on you. I didn’t mean for you to get clocked."

Traynor laughed. She placed a little kiss on his forehead as his face creased with guilt. Vega wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. "I'm fine," she muttered in his ear, slapping him on the back. "Stop fussing! Thanks for the distraction. I needed it."

As they pulled apart, Cortez handed her a drink, and the banter started at once. Garrus and Liara reluctantly handed over their creds to Cortez and Joker and Sam discussed the fight with James, receiving defence lessons from him and learning a few of his moves. As the crew were on their second drinks, EDI's voice silenced them.

"Commander Shepard is now aboard. XO Vega has been relieved."

Everyone turned to James. He looked just as confused as they did.

"XO?" he repeated, confused.

"Not a good way to start your second-in-command role, hitting one of your subordinates," Garrus teased. The others chuckled.

"With a mouth like that you'll be next, Vakarian," Vega joked. He placed his drink down and got to his feet. "Shit, I gotta go talk to Shepard about this!" He kissed the top of Samantha's head in passing, apologising again, and high-fived her before walking to the door.

Just as he reached it, it sprung open to reveal none other than Commander Shepard herself. Her red hair was dishevelled and she was wearing a tight grey tank top, black military pants and blood-stained boots. Samantha’s heart lurched. She instantly ducked, staring at the floor, afraid to meet her eyes. _Oh Lord! And with the crew here to witness it._

"Having a party without me?" Shepard teased, looking around at them all. When her eyes found Samantha, her smile faded and she quickly looked away. "Where's Tali? I thought she'd be here."

"Working on the Normandy's drive core with Adams," Garrus informed her. "Apparently they're having some problems."

"Yeah, no shit. I just got a message from Hackett. Seems we're unable to leave dry dock until the Normandy gets a few repairs done. Looks like we're stuck here for another day or two. He's... advised us to take some proper shore leave," the Commander said, not sounding too happy about it.

"For real?" Vega asked, surprised. "Hell, I was looking forward to getting back out there."

"Yeah, you and me both, Lieutenant," Shepard said, irritated. She walked to the bar to fix herself a drink. "I got in a fight with a fucking Krogan on my way here. He mistook me for someone else...Thought I owed him money. Now I owe him new teeth."

Everyone laughed apart from Samantha, who managed only a smile. _So that's where the blood on her shoes came from._

"More shore leave's probably a good thing though,” Shepard continued, plopping a chopped lime into her glass. “The Asari Councillor's gone AWOL for the time being, so I didn't even get to meet her to see what she wanted. I gather Thessia's not fairing much better than Earth at the minute. I'd rather we risked leaving now."

"Yeah, but that's a Reaper infested area, Commander. The Normandy getting some work done beforehand could be the difference between life and death," Cortez said wisely.

"I imagine that's what Hackett thought too," Shepard relented, taking a sip of whiskey. "Orders are orders. We're staying put for now."

"Do you think the Asari Councillor wants our help fighting the Reapers on Thessia?" Liara asked.

Shepard nodded. "I'm sure of it, though judging by her message there's something else she wants to tell us. Why else would I have to meet her in person? I hope to God it's something that will actually help us defeat the fucking Reapers for good."

"Here, here!" Joker said, raising his glass. "Well, on that note I better head back up to EDI. I've left her in the cockpit by herself, and I just know she's gonna do something with my chair again. Did I tell you she left a whoopee cushion on it a couple of days ago? I thought I'd inherited my dad's bowel problems for a second."

Everyone laughed.

"I should go too actually, and see if I can dig up any information on Thessia's status," Liara said worriedly, following him out the door.

"Good idea. Let me know if you find anything," Shepard said. She patted her arm as she passed, and giving her a small smile. Samantha sighed, hoping this wasn't a sign that the Commander and Asari were getting closer again after she had screwed up.

_Oh God, Samantha, get over yourself. It was just a comforting pat on the arm._

She kept her head down, lost in thought, not realising only Vega remained as the rest of the crew filed out. He was talking to Shepard about his new position aboard the Normandy.

"Seriously, Shepard? XO? Me?"

Shepard looked confused. "Yeah, didn't I tell you? After Kaidan... well... you were really the only logical choice. You've more than earned it, Lieutenant. I really didn't tell you?"

Vega shook his head, bewildered. "I think I'd remember, don't you?"

The Commander looked confused. "I suppose. Sorry," she said, shaking her head and bringing a hand to iron out the creak in her neck. "I've... had a lot on my mind recently. Must have forgotten."

"Don't worry about it, man.” He shook her hand. "Thanks, Shepard. I won't let you down, I swear."

The Commander smiled. "You could never do that, James."

" _Gracias_. Look, I'll see you later, Lola. We'll have a drink on the Citadel to celebrate, yeah? May as well take advantage of this shore leave bullshit when we have the chance." Vega smacked her on the shoulder affectionately then turned to leave. He looked over at Sam, who was staring down miserably into the depths of her drink. "Later, Tray."

Traynor glanced up and gave him a little wave, receiving a thumbs up with a nod towards the Commander that clearly meant 'talk to her'. Before Samantha could protest at being left alone with Shepard, the door slid shut and Vega tactfully disappeared. The room was instantly plunged into a tense, uneasy silence, with neither woman having foreseen this predicament when the lounge had been so full of people only moments ago. They hadn't been alone together since their fight, and neither knew how to respond.

Samantha continued staring into her glass, swirling the martini around inside, before placing it back on the poker table. She could sense Shepard's eyes on her, making her nervous. _God, is this is? Is she going to break up with me? I don't think I could handle that. Oh please make this quick. I can't—_

The Commander cleared her throat awkwardly, distracting Samantha from her morbid thoughts. Shepard opened her mouth to speak, then seeming to think better of it, began to walk towards the door.

"Shepard, wait!" The words escaped Traynor’s mouth before she could stop herself. All she knew was that she couldn't just sit there and let the woman she loved walk away from her again.

Shepard turned reluctantly. Her cold expression changed instantaneously as she took in Samantha's face. "Jesus Christ!" She slid her glass onto the counter, rushing towards her. She bent down in front of a stunned Samantha, taking her face in her hands and tilting it towards the light, examining the dark bruise that was forming under her left eye. "Samantha! What the hell happened? Who did this to you!?"

Seeing the frantic worry in Shepard's eyes as she inspected the cut that the bruise encircled, and feeling the softness of her touch, Samantha was momentary breathless. She stared into the woman's green eyes as they scanned her face, still mesmerized by their beauty as much as the first time. _Oh God, I can't help but fall in love with her all over again._ For a second she was blinded by the light of the Commander's Omni-tool, as Shepard traced it carefully and precisely over the split in her skin that Vega's knuckle had made. She applied a thin layer of pre-prepared Medi-gel. Samantha winced and jerked away a little, a slight moan of discomfort escaping her.

"Sorry," Shepard soothed, tracing her cheek with her thumb. "There. That should stop the swelling a little. How does it feel?"

"It... it's alright," Samantha groaned, closing her eyes as they began to water. _I can't cry in front of her again._ "I'll be fine, Ma'am."

"I think it's going to scar," Shepard rued, not listening to her feeble attempts at bravery. She held up her first finger. "Look here." Sam did as she was told, following Shepard's finger from side to side and up and down as she checked her alertness, looking for any deviations after such a whack. "Your vitals look alright. Any nausea? Dizziness?"

"A little," Samantha replied honestly. "But I'll be fine, really. It's not as bad as it looks. Vega didn’t mean to hit me.”

"Vega did this?" Shepard yelled furiously. "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to murder him!"

"No, don't!" Samantha exclaimed, jumping to her feet and grabbing Shepard's arm as she went to storm off in a rage. Suddenly a wave of nausea overcame Traynor. Her head went light. She stumbled as her legs turned to jelly and buckled underneath her. Before she hit the floor, a strong pair of arms reached out to catch her.

"Samantha?" Shepard gasped, her fury evaporating, replaced with alarm. "I've got you. You’re ok. Come here..." Traynor's head lolled against the Commander's chest, resting on her bosom. Shepard carried her over to the sofa under the lounge's huge observation window. Sam felt soft hands tuck her legs up onto the chair, and then lower her head onto the cushion.

"Sorry," she moaned, mortified, as her head rested on the comfy little pillow Shepard had placed under her for support. _And yet again I embarrass myself in her presence. Good Lord, is this ever going to get easier? I'm such a klutz!_

"It's alright," Shepard whispered, laughing under her breath as she saw a faint pink flush of embarrassment cross Samantha's cheeks. "You'd be surprised how many pretty girls have fallen for me over the years... Open your eyes, love. Don't fall asleep."

Reluctantly, Samantha raised her eyelids, remembering it was dangerous to sleep immediately after a blow to the head. They felt very heavy now. She could actually see her own eyelashes. The room was hazy and blurred, spinning and swirling, before the Commander's pretty face came into focus, hovering over her. Concern radiated from every crease and orifice. She had sat herself on the edge of the chair beside where Samantha lay, resting a hand on her side. Shepard then prodded around the edge of wound on Sam's face, fixing the bits of Medi-gel that had dislodged, rubbing off onto her vest after she caught her.

"I'm gonna kick Vega's ass next time I see him," Shepard grunted, a muscle in her jaw twitching in anger. "Jesus, what the hell was he thinking?"

"We were just sparring," Samantha replied weakly. "The others had a bet on. It was a game, Commander."

"Still, he shouldn't have hit you," Shepard said, scolding her as though she were a child. "Are you crazy? What were you doing sparring with him anyway? You could have been seriously injured! You're not a fucking soldier, Samantha!"

"I know!" Sam replied bitterly then. "If I was, then you might have spoken to me before now, right?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

At this, Shepard blanched. Her hand dropped from Sam's cheek. She stared down into her reproachful brown eyes, seeing the hurt in them. "Is that what you think?" She tucked her fingers under Samantha's chin, making sure she met her gaze whether she wanted to or not. "You think I don't give a damn about you because you're not one of my fucking soldiers? I thought you knew by now, you mean so much more to me than that."

"Do I?" Sam countered, beginning to get upset. Her eyes filled with more tears. She was growing more and more unsure the longer they spent apart. Her bottom lip began to tremble. "If o-one of your legendary soldiers disobeyed orders they wouldn't be hung out to dry like I've been, would they? I mean, V-Vega crashed the shuttle on Mars and got a pat on the back! And Kaidan—"

"Don't bring him into this," Shepard growled, her frown deepening.

Sam was immediately ashamed of herself. "Sorry," she gasped "God, I'm so sorry! This is coming out all wrong." She massaged her forehead, feeling a migraine coming on.

"It's... alright," Shepard said stiffly, understanding. "That must have been some punch Vega gave you. I remember you being a lot subtler than this."

"He didn't want to do it. I egged him on," Samantha muttered, irritated by her pressing of the matter. "Just let it go, Commander."

Shepard exhaled. "Fine," she sighed in defeat, shaking her head. Samantha could almost hear her thinking ‘God, I can't do anything right’. She felt guilty, knowing the Commander was just worried about her.

Shepard leaned back, staring in the opposite direction. Sam raised herself off the sofa as best she could, observing her closely. She scanned the smooth, muscular arm of Shepard's bicep before she noticed a few new scars along the woman's jaw that hadn't been there during their previous argument a day and a half ago. The synthetic implants underneath were glowing ominously, ringed with dried blood and roaring red skin as though the wounds were still fresh _. Christ, they look painful. She's not going to have a face left at this rate._

Without thinking, Sam reached out and ran her finger over one curiously, feeling the jagged roughness. Shepard recoiled and threw a scowl at her, wondering what the hell she was doing. Their eyes met then, wary and foreign now after the last day or so of distance, despite the deep intimacy they had shared before.

"I've... been worried about you, you know," Sam said softly. "Since..." Her voice trailed off and she broke from their gaze, staring down at the chair and running her hand over the plush cream leather. Shepard got to her feet and massaged her temples, walking over to the bar to grab her drink again. An awkward silence fell over them as the emotional distance grew. "How have you been?"

"Alright," Shepard replied, leaning over the counter with her back to Samantha. Traynor wasn't fooled.

"I guess I'm not the only one who can lie," she muttered.

The Commander didn't reply.

Slowly, and carefully this time, Samantha raised herself off the chair. Ignoring the renewed feeling of nausea, she crossed the lounge and approached the tense Commander, warily placing a comforting hand on the woman's back, hoping not to get another rejection.

Shepard closed her eyes and sighed at her touch. "Samantha, don't..."

"Don't what?" Sam whispered back, trickling her touch down along the Commander's spine, feeling the inviting warmth of her skin through her thin tank top. Realising she wasn't wearing a bra, Sam glanced down at the shape of the woman's nipples protruding through the front of the fabric, her magnificent pale breasts having been released from their normal restrictions. Traynor's mouth watered in anticipation. Her arousal grew then and she longed to get closer, to feel that electrifying spark between them once more. Unable to resist, she leaned down and grazed the taut skin of Shepard's bare shoulder with her lips. Shepard seemed to sense the game she was playing.

"I'm still mad at you," she said pointedly, not giving in.

Samantha sighed in defeat. "I know," she said, fiddling with the frayed ends of Shepard's top then, trying to fight the urge to pull it up over her head and bury her face in the glorious crevice between the woman's breasts where her silver dog tags dangled. "And with good reason. I haven't been able to think about anything else for days, Shepard. Don't you... I mean, have you changed your mind about me now?"

"What?" Shepard whispered, turning her body to face her fully. She moved closer, running a hand through Traynor's dark hair, then stroked her cheek. "Is that really what you think?" Traynor simply shrugged. Shepard sighed. "God, I was just angry! I don't know. Maybe I was too hard on you. I'm sorry if I was, I'm just... under a lot of stress and I... I just don't know how to fucking deal with it anymore." Shepard took a deep breath then, trying to steady herself.

“Then let it out,” Samantha told her. “You don’t have to keep everything in, Shepard.”

“I do.”

“Why?” Samantha breathed. She yearned to understand, but she just couldn’t.

“You don’t get it,” Shepard’s head dropped, and she fidgeted again. It seemed to be a nervous habit of hers.

“Then help me to!” The Commander sank onto the stool beside the minibar, and shook her head. Samantha took Shepard’s face in her hands. "You don't have to do this all alone, darling," she continued. "Stop trying to be so bloody strong all the time, and let someone in for a change.”

“I can’t!” Shepard snapped, pulling away from her in frustration. “You don’t get it, Samantha! One crack! One lapse! One weak moment, and the Reapers have already won. I can’t allow myself to do that. There’s always another mission, another mess for me to clean up. How the hell am I supposed to lead us in this war if I break down? I’m hanging on by a thread, and once that fucking thread snaps, I’m going to go off the rails and not be there to take that final blow that wins this thing.”

Her words cut into Traynor, who leaned on the minibar for support. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“I have to. It’s kept me alive this long.” Shepard sighed. “Sam, we both know I’m not coming back from this fight-“

“Shepard-“

“No, listen to me!” Shepard persisted mercilessly, gripping the front of Samantha’s uniform. She looked deranged, staring up at her with wild eyes. “You need to know this. I can’t let you go in blind, believing that we will have some glorious life together in a post-war Galaxy. Because even if I do win this war for us… I… I’m never going to see it.” Samantha felt tears rolling down her check. “So let’s…” Shepard hid her face in Samantha’s abdomen, losing her words. “Let’s just make the most of what little time we have together. I can’t give you all of me, I’m sorry. I can only give you what’s left. The Reapers already have the rest.”

Samantha stroked Shepard’s hair, and wiped her watering eyes with the back of her free hand. “I love you,” she sobbed. She buried a kiss in Shepard’s hair. “God, Shepard, I don’t want to lose you.”

“You haven’t,” came Shepard’s muffled reply. “Yet.”

"So you're... you're not going to b-break up with me?" Samantha stammered, her heart swelling.

At this, Shepard chuckled under her breath. She looked up, and wiped away another tear that streamed down Sam's olive cheek. "Don't be silly!" she soothed, caressing the Traynor's bicep through her military uniform. "I just needed some space for a bit. My mother always had a knack for getting under my skin, and I fully laid into her on the Citadel. Seeing her again so unexpectedly, I...I just couldn't hold back.”

She felt Shepard's warm hand cover hers then, squeezing it gently. Their eyes met and Sam threw her a shy smile, embarrassed at how insecure she had been acting. She hoped that she was forgiven for the mess she had caused with Amanda. “Touch me,” she whispered through her tears. “Please.”

After a few seconds, Shepard got to her feet, guiding Samantha’s lips towards hers. She pinned Samantha back against the mini-bar, cupping her face in a slow, sensual kiss. Samantha could feel Shepard’s longing to bury herself away in another’s arms, could feel her release as their tongues met. She quickly obliged, holding her body against the Commander’s. Soon, they were tearing each other’s clothes off, writhing against the counter, knocking various things over in their eagerness. She helped Shepard out of her vest, and clutched at her scarred spine. With each thrust of Shepard’s hips, Samantha spiralled into a hypnotic euphoria that she never wanted to leave. She’d never experienced such a mix of emotions; both sad and happy. All she knew in that moment, as Shepard’s hand slipped under the waist band of her trousers, was an inexplicable desire to be ravished by her.


End file.
